To say I am struggling..

would be an understatement.
I don't even know where to begin. 2019 has been the worst year of my life.
The main reasons are losing the ones I love the most.
I have been very fortunate for 28 years to not have to deal with any deaths.
I am not only grieving their loss, but the loss of myself.
I feel like a piece of me has gone with them.

I feel lost. numb. broken. alone. scared. out of control.
Every negative emotion you can think of, I feel it.
Daily lately.

Now I have always struggled with depression, but over the years I have learned how to shake it.
To feel it and then release myself from it. But this year, it has been different.

I have no complaints in my little families life. My girls are thriving. Danny and I are as good as we can be (it is my fault we are not, because of what I am going through.) We just bought a house in sunny Florida. No surgeries in sight. So what is the problem?

I wish I knew the answer.

Tomorrow I will be calling to set up an appointment with a therapist. I should have done this sooner. But I thought I would be able to get myself out of this rut I am in. But it is easier said than done. And I can't. And that is okay.

Love Always,
Kristin

let it out.

You know what is hard? Feeling.

It is been months since I felt like me. Looking back now I don't even remember what it is like to even be myself, my true self, the person I long for yet hardly know.

I keep looking for signs to point me to where I need to go.
They have yet to find me.

Ever since I can remember I have ALWAYS been inside my head. The only feelings I ever show to the world are happy ones. Positive ones. On the outside I seem to have it all figured out, I am happy, and I hide every other feeling inside.. WHY?! Why why why! Your guess is as good as mine. If you for some reason know why this to be true, please enlighten me!

I am going to get real deep here so bare with me.
I came across this quote today and it hit me. This is me.

"Sometimes you can get so busy being everyone else's anchor 

that you don't realize you are actually drowning."

Why do I always feel like I need to help everyone else but myself? Seriously. Since becoming a mom and wife, I have lost my total identity. Now please don't think that I hate being both of those things because I don't. I absolutely love it. It isn't even fair that I have to make that a point but for some reason I feel like I need to clarify that. I love my family more than anything and if it wasn't for them, I would be even more lost than I am now. 

I have heard that showing your emotions is a sign of strength so how can I get myself there? How can I teach myself this? I am almost 27 years old. I have been living this way my whole life. Old habits die hard. 

My soul is deep. I feel a million different emotions all at once. Most of the time they are un-explainable. Deep down I feel like I have this purpose but I can't put a finger on what that purpose is. And because I have no idea what my purpose is, I question everything about myself and situation. 

Why this ..

Why that.. 

What if..

I think that is my anxiety talking. I have learned to deal with my anxiety all my life until recently. It has gotten so bad that I don't even want to leave the house. All the what if's.. This is no way to live. I feel for everyone who has been here or struggled with any kind of mental illness. 

I come to this blog when I am struggling the most in life. Once I let this all out I feel like I can breathe again. As if I have been holding my breath this whole time.

Love Always,

Kristin