To say I am struggling..

would be an understatement.
I don't even know where to begin. 2019 has been the worst year of my life.
The main reasons are losing the ones I love the most.
I have been very fortunate for 28 years to not have to deal with any deaths.
I am not only grieving their loss, but the loss of myself.
I feel like a piece of me has gone with them.

I feel lost. numb. broken. alone. scared. out of control.
Every negative emotion you can think of, I feel it.
Daily lately.

Now I have always struggled with depression, but over the years I have learned how to shake it.
To feel it and then release myself from it. But this year, it has been different.

I have no complaints in my little families life. My girls are thriving. Danny and I are as good as we can be (it is my fault we are not, because of what I am going through.) We just bought a house in sunny Florida. No surgeries in sight. So what is the problem?

I wish I knew the answer.

Tomorrow I will be calling to set up an appointment with a therapist. I should have done this sooner. But I thought I would be able to get myself out of this rut I am in. But it is easier said than done. And I can't. And that is okay.

Love Always,
Kristin

One Month Down

I've been waiting to write this when it was "the right time" or when it got "easier" to but then I realized, this will never get any easier..

My Auntie is one of the greatest people I know. She shared with me her love for friends, relationships, animals, a good book, the ocean, cooking, picture taking, memory making, scrap booking, and a million other things that mattered. She loved to feel.

I always felt like her daughter. We look alike! We've gone through LOTS of the same things. We each have a high school sweetheart named Danny, we both had a form of Lymphoma 💚💜 we've been bald & gone through chemo around the same age. We have similarities.. We have always wanted a farm. We LOVE the ocean more than words. 🌊 Lance Bass is our favorite Nsync member. Quotes and sayings are life. Music is good for the soul. We always believed you're only as happy as you let yourself be. And only you are in charge of that happiness.

There are a few things I can no longer do without losing it completely. I can't listen to the song 'Senorita' by Shawn Mendes or 'Shallow' by Lady Gaga let alone watch the movie A Star Is Born. 'Fill Me In' by Craig David (that was our song) still stops my breath but is becoming more tolerable.

The happy things.. Charlie has your middle name and initials CJ! ❤ The movie "Shag" brings a smile to my face. Whenever I am at the beach, I think of you. That monarch butterfly is always you 🦋 I hope she knows how much I love her! I will forever cherish the memories I was so lucky to make with her. She will always be in my heart. And for the rest of my life I will search for moments of you.

The regrets I have are small and will leave with time.. The last picture I took on my phone was supposed to go to her but never got sent. I had the feeling to call that weekend, but forgot and didn't. I recently watched A Star Is Born, one of her favs, but never got to talk to her about it.

I think the message being, if you think of someone or miss them.. send the text, make the call, the email, the snap, the dm. Tell them. Because life is TOO short! ❤

Please zoom in to read & please share her freaking awesome obituary she wrote. YOU'RE MY HERO! 💚

Back to life

I haven't been on FB or Twitter for a week now, at first it was hard to pull myself away from it just because I am so used to getting on there whenever I am on my computer. And all the time on my phone. I uninstalled the apps from my phone so I don't get notifications or have to urge just to check it. I love life without those two things. I feel not apart of the social world right now and it feels great. I can't believe I have gone a week but its so worth it. I want to go even longer. I took up Foursquare, which is a social network, but since no one really has it.. yet, I enjoy it. It's fun. I am also so addicted to Words With Friends. I got Danny, Ian, and Tawnee addicted so I am happy that I have people who are literally playing me all through out the day.
Tomorrow I have my petscan. I am so happy and nervous all at the same time. It's weird that I won't be going to chemo tomorrow but I think I will be fine without it. I hope I am in remission. I can't wait to hear what Dr. Hansen thinks. I want to know where I go from here.
Maddy's vet appointment went really well yesterday. They think she might have type 3 diabetes which basically means that the diabetes might have went away. They never talk about type 3 because it is so rare. Our vet has only seen it in one other dog, which was a yellow lab like Mad. It would be crazy if Mad was one in a million. We are kinda hoping for this because insulin, syringes, and her diabetic dog food is REALLY expensive. It would be nice to use that money for others things. Either way, I just want her healthy. They are supposed to call me today with the news.
I am scheduled to work next week. I am so excited. I am started to get really bored being home all the time. Especially now that I am feeling great all day everyday. It's exciting to get back to my normal life. I am also really scared though because I don't know what I want to do about school. It's really stressing me out lately.

Do you ever..

Just drive with the intentions of going nowhere. It's sorta like I am trying to escape reality, but in reality, there is no where to go other than back.
Also, whenever I am driving, I am always wondering where everyone is going. Sometimes I will look at people and cars and try to guess where they are headed.

Love Always, Kristin

Random thought

I never knew bunnies pooped so much..

I never knew you could have so much in common with your nail lady..

I never knew true love until my relationship with Danny..

And I never thought I could actually be a morning person..

It's surreal that I will be in remission so soon..

Ogden Athletic Club is so nice. My new home..

too good to be true

Now that my "chemo brain" is finally gone I can stop neglecting my blog. I am starting to feel better, still just a little tired and beat up but before you know it I will be back to normal. 9 down 3 more to go! I can't even tell you how excited I am to be done. It's almost too good to be true. I was reading Self Matters last night and I was reading about anxiety and how it can take off 10 years or more of your life. This worries me because my anxiety is very bad and cancer is already taking off years of my life so I keep thinking I'll be lucky if I make it to 40! Really, I could be terribly wrong but what if I'm not. I hate having to worry over everything. I am going to try to get my mind to work in other ways. Better ways that aren't a waste of my time. I am in need of healthy thinking. This is going to be hard and will probably take some time. But I am going to stick with it and stop exhausting my brain and put it to better use. Hopefully this isn't too much to ask. I think I can do it. Hopefully.
random thoughts;
*I am loving this snow.
*14 days til I turn 20!
*Happy 40th Auntie! I love you!
*Missing my Cali family already.
*Really craving a nutty coconut sundae from Baskin Robins.
*3 more 3 more 3 more!
*I love Valentines Day!
*Something I learned recently, there is nothing to be afraid of.

Me myself and I

Day 16 - A picture of myself and a random thought.

"Where would I be if I wasn't with D.

and would I be truly happy?"

Just some thoughts

I am finally reading again, thank goodness. I go through fazes, sometimes I am constantly reading and other times I never read. When I am not reading I don't feel as smart as I feel when I do read. Right now I am reading three books, The Book Of Awakening, Marley & Me, and a book all about chihuahuas. I love each one..
*The Book Of Awakening, is amazing. I find myself wanting to read ahead, but I don't because it's supposed to be a page a day. It's hard to stop myself from reading on. Thanks again Rachael!
*Marley & Me, I have been wanting to read for awhile now. I love the movie, I always cry. I like how it is written by a man. I like that John Grogan is so honest and smart enough to write a story about his dog. It shows me that men actually do have feelings.
*The Chihuahua, I am reading because my two chihuahuas are little shits. I want a better understanding of them and tips on training them. The main thing I need to do is socialization. I take them places all the time but they still bark no matter what. It's annoying to me and I am sure others. Hopefully I can get them a little more behaved this year. I think not living in an apartment will help things a lot. All they know is this apartment. I think having a backyard will be a huge change for them.  
Tomorrow I have my 8th chemotherapy. I am not excited or even anxious. It sucks. I hate the attitude I have built towards going to chemo, I used to love it. It's just everything about that place makes me nauseous. The smells especially. It's weird. I will never be able to explain. Last chemo I slept the whole time. It made the time fly by but I remember always wondering how people could sleep because I never could. But now I understand why most people are sleeping. I am sick of my port-a-cath, especially being poked there. It's always itchy. I can't wait to get it taken out. Which probably won't be for awhile, but still. I keep telling myself after this only 4 more! 4 more! It sounds like hardly any and it is. I just wish I could speed up time. I need to stay positive, I know and I've been trying it's just hard. But I know I can do it, I have to. I am happy to see Dr. Hansen so he can check my lymph nodes and tell me he doesn't feel any. That always makes me happy. Seeing that the chemo is actually doing it's job and not just making me sick. It's hard for me to even enjoy my last feel good day because I am too worried about tomorrow. 
D was able to get the rest of my chemo days off, which I am really happy about. He said something the other day that made me happy. He said, "I hated the thought that you were at chemo and I wasn't there with you." This made me smile and realize how much he does care. D isn't a wear your feelings on your sleeve kind of guy. I can count on one hand how many times I've seen him cry. Not sure if this is a good or bad thing. I've considered it good because I do enough crying for the both of us.
I'm going to try and enjoy the rest of my day that I have left.

Thanks for listening.

It's the most wonderful time of the year?

It's Christmas Eve, and although I still have a lot of shopping to do I am finding time to blog because I haven't in awhile and I miss it. These past two days I volunteered and The Salvation Army. And I have to admit that this is something I will be doing every year. I came home after the first night in such bliss I probably glowed. I talked D's ear off for the rest of the night. I was touched, sad, happy, mad, inspired.. I was every emotion you could possibly be. I was happy to go down and help out although there is something that bothers me. We had I would say about 30 volunteers all day. Which was enough but in my eyes not enough. Sometimes I think Christmas is the worst time of the year for the people who are more worried about receiving gifts then giving them. This year all I wanted was my Hope chest, I got it and that is probably the only thing I will get. And for once, I am happy. I need nothing more. I was disappointed. All the people in Utah and their were only 30 volunteers. Why weren't there more I kept asking myself. Because people don't care? This is what I think. But then I looked around at all the toys that were donated and I quickly remembered that people donated this stuff. D and I picked a little boy from the tree and bought him toys. My mom and I also but together packages for parents who have to stay in the hospital with their sick children who have cancer. I am also working on my packages for the american cancer society. I bought a bunch of wrapping paper and tape to take with me yesterday because people can't afford to even wrap their gifts. I have spent more money on people that I don't know then for myself or my own family. But I think that is the point of Christmas. Giving. I wish more people would realize this. I asked D the other night, think of one thing we absolutely need right now to live. Other than his job, we couldn't think of anything. We are perfectly stable with lots of things anyone would be happy to have. I look around my little apartment at everything and we look wealthy. Some families it's hard for them to put food on the table. They can't afford gifts for their children. It breaks my heart. Handing families those gifts for the kids, some would tear up. I remember one mom saying, I really need a coat for my son. She repeated this. When I looked in the bag there was a coat! I was so happy and so was she. She kept telling me God Bless you. She was so happy for that coat that she couldn't afford. Then there were some families who were greedy and this I hated. I handed the lady her bags for her kids. They all got scooters and lots of good things but she was unhappy because one of the kids wanted a bike.. Now lady I don't just have a bike for everyone. Do I look like Oprah? Your kid got a scooter so be thankful he even got that! Sheesh. There was a bunch of used bikes that people donated and I told her she could pick one from there but that wasn't good enough. She wanted a new one. I wanted to take all her gifts back and give them to children that would be happy to get them but I am too nice I told her she was out of luck and that I was sorry. So she left. Also I noticed people who came in and for the most part looked like they could afford their own gifts. I saw a lady wearing Ugg boots, bleach blonde hair, nails done, makeup on, nice jeans.. Like really lady. Quick getting your nails done for a year and that money will add up and you could purchase your own gifts. That made me mad. For the most part, a lot of these people were thankful and I was thankful that their were charities that did this for those kind of people. One thing I really liked about this was if one kid didn't get any toys but lots of clothes, I mean clothes are great because they probably really need that the most but what kid wants clothes for Christmas? I know I didn't. But because we had enough donations we had like our own little store so I was able to look at the age and go pick a cool toy for them. I loved being able to do that. I was known as the shopper. I just wanted every kid to be happy Christmas day. We were to the point where we were almost out of everything! And still had a line out the door. It was heartbreaking that I couldn't do anything about it. Luckily we received more donations the next day. So next year because I know what we ran out of this year I will be sure to buy things we really need. We were really good on toys and baby clothes. But what we need more of is Clothes for older children. Especially Boys! We need more boy everything, shoes, clothes, toys. We need clothes and shoes more than toys. Also more wrapping paper and tape. Diapers and wipes were a big one. Everyone make a mental note of this. (: I will be saving things throughout the year for next Christmas. I can hardly wait. I hope everyone has a wonderful Christmas. I've learned it's truly better to give then get!

p.s. Me, Cass, my Aunt, Grandma, Grandpa, and My grandmas neighbor are in this video (:

xoxox

Lately, I haven't had really anything to blog about.

I had a great Thanksgiving.

Danny and I had a long, lazy, cozy weekend.

We rearranged our apartment.

We cleaned out our closet.

And cleaned out all our cabinets.

My sister won her tournament in Vegas.

There is only one thing left to do..Grocery Shopping.

The thing I dislike most.

I am feeling good. I am sad Danny has to go back to work tomorrow.

Thursday is chemotherapy.

I have a petscan December 9th..

I am very excited to see how much my Cancer has gone down.

Anxious to see what Dr. Hansen says.

Ready to know how many more times of chemotherapy I need.

My hair is super thin. It's hard to hide.

I can't wear it down anymore unless I want hair everywhere.

It's weird, I am emotionally attached to my hair. Even me.

And even though I have always hated it, I am attached.

It's hard to explain. It's hard to let go. Blah.

xoxox

take caution before reading

Why I say this is because I want to go into detail of how I have been feeling after my fourth chemo treatment. I wanted to warn you all because it isn't pretty. People have been telling me what not to blog about during my fight but then I wonder what the point of my blog would be if I couldn't be honest. This is my experience that I never want to forget. So if I want to blog about how crappy I feel, I am going to. I don't sugar coat everything, I'd rather be brutally honest. I am not going to tell you it's not that bad when really, it sort of is. I don't have a normal sleeping pattern. I wake up randomly in the middle of the night wide awake. I am constantly constipated. My stomach hurts, like really bad cramps. I randomly throw up. I am always nauseous. I don't have an appetite. My first meal is usually around 2pm when I have to force myself to eat something. I am probably the only person gaining weight on chemo. I have crazy mood swings. No energy. I have a constant headache. My hair is thinning. There is hair everywhere. I am not ready to shave it, but I really wish I were. I feel like the most negative person. I should be thankful that my cancer is disappearing but it's hard to stay positive when I am constantly feeling like crap. I am only human. I think I have the right to be upset. I have the right to not be happy all the time right? I can have bad days. I keep telling myself it's okay to show other emotions. That I don't have to be happy all the time. I can't wait until I no longer feel these symptoms! I am so ready for my good days! Please come soon and stay!

xoxox

Some things I love about to today;

Today I love that Danny is off. (:

I am reading a good book. Go Ask Alice. I can't put it down.

I love the cold fresh air outside.

I am going shopping today.

Sophie is sleeping in my lap.

I love sleeping in.

Tomorrow is Sushi Tuesday.

I love my comfy cozy apartment.

I am starting to feel amazing.

Black Ops?

So if you haven't heard or didn't know, Call of Duty Black Ops came out yesterday. This was something Danny wanted, badly. We would see the commercials for it and he would absolutely go nuts. So I pre-ordered it for his late birthday present. Not sure why because I lose my boyfriend to this game but I did it because I am nice and knew he wanted it. (: Well it arrived in the mail yesterday. After sushi we came home and he wasn't sure if he wanted to play it because then he would want to stay up all night and beat it. But I told him that I wanted to watch him play it. Which never happens! I always leave the room when he plays it, and now I remember why. I have never been so disappointed.. so sick to my stomach, so angry. I thought maybe this was just my opinion because I am a typical girl. I hate gory things, I hate violence, I hate hurting someone. After watching Danny play for a few minutes I tell him to pause it. He does, I look at him and say, "If we had kids, you would not be playing this!" He replied, "Oh, I know!" So I was happy that he agreed with how horrible this game really is. I feel like a nagging mom. But how could I not? I am very mature and grown up and I don't think this game benefits anyone in anyway. It scares me that kids around the world have this game and play it on a regular basis. It also scares me that when I have my own kids, video games will be even more advanced and gory. I will admit that this game looks and feels amazingly real. It feels like you are in the game. But after watching Danny beat a few levels, I was mad and disgusted. People are beating the crap out of people with sticks, you watch bullets go through people's head, you watch people's head's get blown off, you hear people screaming til they die. I am actually mad at myself for ordering that game. I can't watch Danny play it anymore. Maybe I am just a baby. Cause I am sure a lot of people say "It's just a game" but how is it just a game when it looks so real. I wanted to blog about this mainly because I want people to see how horrible it really is. If you ever get the chance to watch someone play, I suggest you do because that is the only way you will see my side. I wonder too if anyone else feels this way? Thanks for listening. (:

Day 14: A hero that has let you down.

I don't believe in heroes. People always let you down.

Cancer is a word, not a sentence.

So I have officially overcome my first chemotherapy experience! It feels great, I feel great. Bring on the next one! I had a doctor's appointment this morning. I have been having some MILD pains near my heart. Which I didn't think were a big deal, but you can never be too safe so I called and Dr. Hansen wanted me to come in today to have a look at things. Got my finger poked, and all my blood cells are normal, which is a good thing. Dr. Hansen listened to my heart and lungs, everything sounded good. Also, the lymphnodes in my neck have gone down rapidly. All from just one chemotherapy. It is truly amazing that I am already having such amazing results. I am so thankful to hear good news. I was happy to go in this morning. I feel lost not having a doctor's appointment everyday! Love being there. I have been considering going to school to do something in the hospital. I have had the best experience so far with all my nurses and doctor and I just figure maybe I can make someone else's experience just as great! We will see.

I'm grateful for every new, healthy day I have.

Lance Armstrong is my new hero..
"If children have the ability to ignore all odds and percentages, then maybe we can all learn from them. When you think about it, what other choice is there but to hope? We have two options, medically and emotionally: give up, or Fight Like Hell." -Lance Armstrong

my kindle; I am IN LOVE with! My sweet Uncle Ray and Aunt Shiryn bought one for me and sent it to me. I wasn't at all expecting it. So when I opened it, I was in shock! It really is so convenient to have. It is amazing what such a little thing can do. First book I bought was A Walk to Remember. It is on my list of books I want to read. I love the movie so much but the book is even better! It's a lot different then the movie. I love Nicholas Sparks.

Went to lunch with Casey today. It was good seeing her and catching up on life. Laughing about all the fun times in high school. It was just what I needed. We have both come along way. She seems a lot more happier than she was in high school. As am I! Which is great because we know we both deserve it (:

I am so thankful to be where I am. I couldn't imagine being anywhere else. I love my life.

Finally! I know what is going on inside that body of mine. Hodgkin's Lymphoma, stage 3! So happy I know what is going on. I start my chemotherapy next Thursday. I am anxious. Anxious to get it over with and move on with my life. I will have chemo every two weeks. I am just very curious to know how I am going to feel during my sessions. Hopefully not too bad.

I think it is crazy how okay I am with all of this. I am not scared, not worried. I hope that isn't a bad thing. I was talking with my mom today. She was saying how she would never be able to go through something like this. She has to leave the room every time I get an IV. (not sure how you spell that) Anyway I told her, maybe that is why god didn't give you something like this to go through. Because you wouldn't be able to handle it. She totally agreed. I agree to. I believe that is why I am going through this. Because I can handle it. I am okay with that.

I went to Barnes and Noble today. And I have to say that I love that store. I was kinda looking for a book or biography on cancer or someone who went through cancer. I am curious to hear others point of view. I didn't find anything :/ I doubt I was looking in the right place. So I ended up with a planner, go ask alice, and men are from mars, women are from venus. (: I have always wanted to read that one. I would love to get a better understanding about what goes on in Danny's little head! And since I have lots of time to myself, there couldn't be a better time to do so.

Today is a good day. I started cleaning my whole apartment (and I mean deep cleaning) I am trying to get everything done before Tuesday. So I can come home to a nice clean apartment and relax. Once I start my chemo, my immune system will be out of whack so I need a clean house, because I am more likely to be getting sick, which is the last thing I need. My cute mom, dad, and sister came over to help me clean. Then they took me to lunch (: My aunt took me shopping yesterday for lounge wear (: my favorite kinda clothes! I am so excited, I am going to be so comfy. She is so cute. She told me she wanted to take me to get some pajamas. So I was thinking like 3 pairs ya know.. Nope, I pretty much own all the pajamas they carry at Kohl's. She is so sweet. Then she took me to Olive Garden. It was so yummy. I am so thankful for my family.

I may be crazy but I am not even scared or sad anymore. I am not sure if that is a good or bad thing. I am able to talk and communicate about what is going on without getting sad or upset. I am just so ready to get this going. I am ready to get this done and over with and move on with my life. God only gives you what you can handle, and I truly believe that. I think if it has to be anyone to go through something like this. Then why not me? I am perfect for this. I am ready. I recently came across this quote, "The future you see is the future you get." I fell in love with it. It is so true. Love my quotes. Sometimes I get tired of writing in my quote book so I had a bright idea to start a blog with all my favorite quotes. If you are interested, you can find them at kbcquotes.blogspot.com

I get to work tonight and I am so excited. Usually I wouldn't be. But I know once I can't, I am going to miss working and seeing everyone. I want to work as much as I can while I still feel good.

I can't thank everyone enough for all their prayers and blessings. I am truly blessed to have each and every one of you in my life. Thank you, thank you (:

This whole experience is life changing. There are so many things that I take for granted. Things I complain about that really do not even matter. This experience is making me realize so much. It's kind of what I needed.

I met my Oncologist yesterday, he is this cute sweet old man. That I already adore. He was so reassuring. Right now he is thinking my condition is Hodgkin's lymphoma. They will not be 100% sure until Tuesday. Tuesday my surgeon Victor, he is a cute young doctor, that I love.. Tuesday I will go in for surgery so they can do a biopsy. They will be taking a little bit of tissue from my lymph node so they can test it and be exactly sure what it is. Also they will be inserting a port-a-cath for my chemo. Which is nice so I won't have to go through two surgery's. (: It makes it so nice when you have great Doctor's that you love and are positive they know what they are doing. I feel that I am in good hands. I am very anxious, almost excited to get this going. I am 100% ready to be on the road to recovery.

My cute little Danny.. Tuesday when we found out that I have cancer, right when we got home he asked me, "Do you want me to bring the big TV in our room with the DVR?" and I was like, "Yes!" So he moves everything in there for me. We both love it even though we are more lazy and our living room is so plain. Ha! Also I have been wanting a snuggie FOREVER, everytime I see one I want it but Danny somehow always talks me out of it! And the other day Danny was like, lets go get you a present. Wasn't sure what he was meaning but he said yeah lets go get you a snuggie! So cute! It is just the little things that he does that makes me so happy! He is my rock. My family has been freaking out, which is fine because they have every right to. But when people freak out and worry.. It makes me worry. But Danny is so sure and so positive. It is good that when I am home, he makes everything feel better and I am back to my positivity. My family is great though. Very supportive. Same with all my friends. All I really need is support. My family is spoiling me, and I am not hating it (: It's nice not having to worry about making dinner. Every night this week me and danny are over at someone's house eating. It's nice! I told Danny last night, "I didn't know so many people liked me" Ha that might be a horrible thing to say but it is nice to have people contacting me and letting me know. I feel so lucky.

Yesterday I had to go into my work and break the news to my boss. I wasn't quite sure how he would react to the news. Me and my parents went in and told him. Lets just say that I have never seen that side of him. He was so shocked and sad. And it made me sad. But it made me happy to know how much he cares and how much he was going to work with me. It was a relief. I love my job! I am just a waitress at a restraunt. But I love it. Mostly because of all the people. I do not think there is one person there that I do not love. They are all so supportive and caring. They mean so much to me. I don't know what I would do without all of them. They are amazing people.

I feel like there are a lot of things I want to do. So many things, but so little time! I can't fit everything in. It's mind blowing. Because if it wasn't for that swollen little lymphnode. I still today would have no idea. I mean I feel normal. I feel great. It is crazy how your body is. You just never know!

I just want to thank all of you for your support and love. It means so much to me. I would never be able to go through this without any of you. I will try to update my blog everyday! To keep you all posted on what is happening. It is alot easier for me to put everything here. My thoughts, my emotions, my stories!

Xoxox

thoughts..

Would it be weird to say that I knew this would happen to me? I can't say that I ever wished it would or wanted it to. But I knew. I do not know whether to be scared, happy, nervous, sad, angry, upset, confused, lost. I can't put into words what I am feeling. I am more scared then anything. I am not good with change. I am scared of the unknown. I am not sure how my body is going to react. I wish I knew the outcome of it all. I have a long journey ahead of me. I am not quite sure where this is going to take me. All I know is where I want to go. I know the things I want to do. I know where I want to be once this is all over. I need strength. I need to be positive and strong. That is the only way I will survive.. Lymphoma, you will NEVER be the death of me.

I have the most amazing family ever. I couldn't ask for anything more than the things they do for me. I am so blessed to have them by my side. I wouldn't be able to overcome this challenge without their love.

I have been blessed with this amazing life. Now it is my turn to overcome this challenge I am being faced with. I pray to God to give me the strength I need.

curiosity kills the cat

This is a true saying. And I have a question for all you.. When are people going to learn? Most of you may be mad at me for writing this blog and for how honest I am going to be, but that is your problem not mine. This is my opinion. My blog. If you don't like it, don't read it. Lately I have been wondering why young people these days are so into drugs. And I mean hardcore drugs. It seems each year younger and younger teens are so curious about this. Which is fine because I was dumb once. I have been there. I tried a drug once. Curiosity is normal. We all are curious about things. But usually the things we are curious about aren't good for us in any way. I strongly believe in trying new things. But if you are trying something that is harmful to your body, be aware that good things probably will not come of it. Trying something once is fine, that is you being curious. But more than once, you are just being stupid. Because once you have tried it, the next time you will most likely do more.. Instead of taking one pill, I am going to take two this time. Think twice before you act because honestly, is it really worth it? We live once. If you don't wake up the next day, would you be happy with the decision you made the night before? I highly doubt it. Death is a sad, scary thing that happens all over the world everyday. But doing drugs, driving drunk, being dumb, is not the way I want to go. In my mind. It isn't worth it. I have a little story that I am going to share about my experience with drugs. My senior year I went to a little rave called get freaky. I am sure you all know about raves and how dumb they really are. I went because I was curious. wanted to see what they were all about. So me and Tyler got tickets. It was both of our first time going to a rave. We were both really scared and excited. But I was more scared ha well when we arrived, I was just looking around at all these skank gross people dancing, (this was before I took my pill) I remember just looking around and being like, I do not want to stay here all night. Tyler took her ecstasy pill and I did the same. A few minutes later it started to kick in. Never doing this before made me really nervous. I always think the worst of things, thought I was gonna die, you know. Wasn't sure if I was making the right decision but it was too late to go back. Once it kicked in, I felt good. I liked it. The music was amazing, I was constantly dancing. and I love to dance. Later that night when it was over, I ended up going home with you know who.. Danny ha figures. We weren't together at the time. But I wouldn't of wanted to go home with anyone else but him. He always makes sure I am safe. I love that feeling, knowing I am safe. We made it home okay. Went to bed because we were exhausted. I remember waking up the next day feeling so shitty. Like a really bad hangover. It sucked. But I remember telling Danny that I loved it so much and that I was going to every single rave. He looked at me and said no, you can't. It is not good for you. At this time I wasn't listening. I didn't care. A month later the next rave was coming up, I bought my ticket. But once it started getting closer I just didn't want to go anymore. I knew how stupid I would be if I went again. I told myself, only once I would go. So I sold my ticket. best thing I ever did. I still wanted to go because Danny was going but I didn't. I look back at this now and I am so proud of myself. We think we are invincible. Once we do something we think that if we do it again nothing will happen. Well that isn't true. A few years ago I remember someone close to me dying from an overdose. I see how many lives it affected. How much it affected me. Still people never learn.

I just feel sad about this topic. Because if people were more educated on harmful drugs, maybe they could be saved. It is a shame so many people die this way. I just wish people would realize how valuable life really is. One bad decision. You could be gone, forever<3