Bad vibes

I had my pet scan today, I was happy and excited going there but once I got there it felt like everything was going wrong. After I drank that yucky dye I was relaxing for about an hour and the nurse came in and said that the computers were down so it was going to be another 30 minutes. By this time I had to pee really bad and I knew I wouldn't be able to go until after the scan. Finally another hour goes by they are ready so as I am in the machine my head starts to hurt really bad. I thought my brain was going to explode. I started getting nervous and anxious. I started sweating and getting really hot. (I am very claustrophobic) Finally after 40 minutes it was over. I ran into the hospital to pee then back into my car when I started feeling sick. Luckily I had a chick fil a cup in there, I puked my guts out for 10 minutes. For some reason every time after I get a pet scan I get sick. I hate it because its literally the worst feeling ever. I got myself home and laid in bed until Danny came home for lunch, and left and now I am here blogging about my horrible day.
I was happy to see that Kendra posted something new so I read it and fell in love because I love the way she writes. I can relate to her, I love that the most. She totally understands me and I understand her. I can't wait to see her tomorrow!
Danny is leaving tomorrow with his brother and dad, not sure where really. I am going to miss him but I feel like I am ready to just hang out with my girlfriends for once. Last weekend was a lot of fun that I just want to do it again.

Due

I'm due for a venting session. I am going mad broke. I need to start working again. I am starting to have to rely on Danny's paycheck and I hate that because he deserves his money even though we consider it our money. I know he is happy to help but I feel too dependent on someone. I hate that feeling. Almost done with chemotherapy, thank goodness because I NEED to get back on my own two feet and be stable again. I've been thinking about going on a trip somewhere once I am done with chemo. Somewhere warm and relaxing but also cheap and something we can afford. I need to get away, clear my head, and relax. I need some mental stability. I am due for a vacation with Danny. Lately I have been worried about school. I know I want to go back in the fall but I still have no idea what I want to do. I think about it every day and I still don't have an answer. I haven't really found something I am that passionate about, that I can see myself doing every day for the rest of my life. I am due for some advice. I feel like the possibilities are endless now that I won't have chemotherapy anymore. I am starting to get anxious about getting married and starting a family. I know Danny is going to pop the question sometime before the fall. I hope he does. I am due for some lecturing. I know I need to get a career and finish school before I become a mother. It would be the smartest thing. But why do I have to wait for the things I want most. I can't shake the thought that life is short. Especially with all that has been going on with me and my body. Once I hit that one year mark in remission I want to have a baby. What if the cancer does come back. I will have to wait another two years. And I don't think I can wait that long to see if it's possible that I can get pregnant. I feel kinda of depressed when people tell me I need to wait to have a baby because I feel like they are saying I won't make a good mother yet. It's my life and I feel ready. I am more selfless than I have ever been. I need to stop listening to other people's opinions. I am a big girl and so is Danny. We will always make the right decisions for us and our future family. Shouldn't that be enough for people. I am really due for some advice. Soon I want to see a doctor about my anxiety. I need some medication and some kind of talking to. I need a way of coping. I am settling with too many things in life and I don't know why. Don't I deserve the best, I am sick of settling. I feel a little different today. Anyway, thanks for listening. 

Bipolar

I had big plans for today. I was going to go grocery shopping. I wanted to finish packing. I have a lot I need to catch up on. I am behind in my books. Looks like that is all going to have to wait.. because when I woke up this morning I was nauseous and felt sick to my stomach. I hurried and took a anti nausea pill but it was too late by then. I threw up and let me just say that I will never eat Chili's boneless buffalo bites again. :( I am sad about because they used to be my favorite. On our way to the house last night we ordered Chili's to go, I picked it up and met Danny at the house. We are there and he put together my new desk I bought. It's beautiful I will post pictures soon. Our house is starting to look more and more like ours. Anyway waking up this morning with the worst heartburn got me to thinking why is this happening. I ate Chili's last night. My body should have already digested it. WRONG! I have been sick all morning leaving me pretty pissed and upset. I have lots to do in so little time. Please body, just work with me! I am waiting for some Samsung person to come and fix our TV last thing I wanted to do this morning. I need to be in bed. Sweet Danny tried to call and reschedule it so I could go back to bed but there would be a $75 dollar cancellation fee. Now I am sorry but that is a little ridiculous. Come on shit happens. I am going through chemo, and to be honest I never really know how my days are gonna be. I can't believe it would cost that much money to have someone come on another day. I hate Samsung right now! Make better crap so I can watch my favorite shows and be sick in bed. Oops now I kinda feel bad talking all this crap because the Samsung guy just showed up and he is so nice and cute. I love old people (:  As you can tell I am very bipolar. Poor Danny is the one who has to put up with me every day. :/ Enough complaining already so I will talk about something I love. This house. I can't even tell you how excited and happy I am. I love change and this house is a huge change. This is something I have only thought about and now it's happening in real life. I am thrilled. The thing is the house need A LOT of work. But I like that, I have things I can fix and tinker with. Everything isn't perfect and I like that. I am happy and I will be even happier once everything is moved in there. Yay! (:

My boggled mind

Sometimes I think I need more inspiration than most people do. I'm constantly looking for inspiration in anything, a song, a letter, a comment, a conversation. Is this a bad thing? I see others living their lives to an extent that I don't think I have reached yet. I know everyone is different and that everyone is on a different page, but sometimes I wish I was on the same page as most. I am content where I'm at, but I want to be further in life.. I hate wishing my life away but I can't help it. I find it hard to live in the moment because I am too worried about my future. I need to remember that good things don't some easy, they take time. 

I have the worst case of anxiety and this is something I never knew until Danny pointed it out, like a flaw. I hated it, no one wants their lover pointing out flaws you have. It took me awhile to come to the realization that yeah I do have anxiety. That is why I freak out about being on time, or I have to make sure the door is locked multiple times a day so I don't get "robbed." It's almost like I try to prevent things from happening to me. Anxiety is something I actually like about myself in some ways, not all. Some days it's so bad, I wish I could turn something off in my head and go back to sleep. I can't wait to talk to a doctor about this once I am done with chemotherapy. I might be able to take some kind of medication now but I think my body has enough medicine in it that I don't want to overwhelm it. 

My mind is always running, nonstop, all day. I come up with the most amazing things in my head. This is something that I love about myself. I think this is why I am not a good listener. I start off focusing on what someone says but then I find myself thinking about what they said at the beginning in great detail that I forget that they are still talking.. I wish I could turn off my brain, not just by sleeping. I wish there were another way. I can't even enjoy the beat to a song because I am too busy listening to the lyrics, finding the meaning and applying it to my life. I am emotional. I would love for someone to totally understand me and get me. I would love for someone to analyze me and why I do the things I do. If this is what therapists do, maybe it would be nice to get one. I wonder if I am "normal" or close to it. I don't believe in normal, that is why I quote it. 

Have you ever spent the day with someone who is exactly like you, I mean down to the pin point. I have. Today I spent most of my day with my dad. I wonder if it's awkward that I find myself so much like him. Good or bad thing? You tell me. I loved spending today with him. Anything I say to him he agrees and always adds something that I agree with. I love talking with him because of how much he gets me. He used to take me everywhere when I was little and I miss going to dumb stores with him. I am kind of mad at myself for not knowing how much alike we are until now. I grew up in the same house with him for 18 years. You'd think I would have known how alike we are but then I think maybe I wasn't the same person growing up. Maybe that is why we didn't get along and butted heads so much. I have changed, a lot but I think it was for the better. I have a closer relationship with my family, I think that is important. Time isn't lost. I still have time to do more things with my family. I mean why not, life is short. Who knows how much time is left. 

I came across this quote today by a guy named Steve Jobs, thought I'd share. "Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma-which is living with the results of other peoples thinking. Don't let the noise of others opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary."

I don't want to go to chemo tomorrow. 
I know I am being a baby, but I feel so great, 
I don't want to go back. I am so lucky to have chemotherapy working. 
I could be like someone else and not have it work. I am so happy it's working but I still do not want to go back. 
I hear people tell me, "It's down hill from here Kristin." "Only 6 more to go." "You are so lucky." "You think you've got it bad.." 
Now all these things are true. But I can feel how I feel. I don't want to go. 
It's easier said then done. You aren't the one sitting in that chair letting poisons invade your body. So you have no room to talk. My dad and sister are taking me to chemo tomorrow. I am happy for them to come. This will be my sisters first time coming to chemo. 
I am sad that D will be missing this one, he has to work. I told him it doesn't bother me, but it sort of does. 


I feel better venting.
Sorry for all the negativity.
xoxox

Is it possible to be so jealous of someone and the life they live? Even though I have the most amazing life that anyone could ever want?

I think it is. I envy the lives people live.

But I am so thankful for the one I have.
I couldn't ask for anything more.
I have an amazing love, an amazing family, and amazing friends!

I think that people base their lives on the people they love, when that isn't how life should be at all, You live your life for yourself, no one else. You do the things that make you happy, the things you wish to accomplish. I believe you only get this one life to live. So live it as you would want to remember. Live so amazingly that you won't regret not doing one thing.

One of my favorite quotes is: "Unless it's mad, passionate, extraordinary love, it's a waste of your time. There are too many mediocre things in life and love shouldn't be one of them.." Meaning if your love isn't real, it's okay to fail at it, because there are too many things in life to fail at and love should not be one of them. I truly believe that.

When you are constantly looking for something, you will probably never get it. It is when you are not expecting it that you will find the things you truly want. I believe that.

Recently I have got to know someone that will live how they want, and be truly satisfied by what they have chosen. That is when you will be truly happy<3

sarcasm.

I really love when people take out their bad mood on me.. Sorry you are mad about something but really, why are you taking it out on me? Douche.

Glad I got that off my chest..
But I ain't lettin it bring me down! (:

Thirsty Thursday, glad I got tomorrow off. Time to clean!

Abortion.

Girls who get abortions are heartless.
They do not deserve to live themselves.

Harsh? Well it's the truth.

If they are mature enough to have sex, they
are mature enough to deal with the consequences.

Happy Birthday Danny :) 19! WOW.. We are getting old! :( I am mad you have to work on your birthday. Tomorrow will be fun though! Can't wait.
So as me and Danny were driving today I realized something, something that really bugs me. I notice I talk about it all the time. Danny told me to blog about it and I think I will. Here it goes.. It really bugs me when you are stopped at a light turning left and there are a few people in front of you and when we get a green arrow those people take their sweet old time! They are not the only people that want to make it through the light. They are not the only people trying to get somewhere.. Ugh it just bugs me alot.