One year

Today for some odd reason I felt like blogging. Lately it hasn't been something I've been needing or even wanting to do. I honestly don't even know how to blog anymore. I haven't been very open with the emotions I have been feeling, and I am not sure why. Maybe I am trying not to face them. I've been putting on a front and acting like everything is okay.
A year ago yesterday I found out I had Hodgkin's Lymphoma. It's a day I will never forget as much as I would like too. This year has flown by. Today I am happy and healthy. My hair is coming back curly which is crazy because it was so straight before. I am feeling great. One thing I think is really crazy is that half of this year was a complete blur. Going through chemotherapy is something I hardly remember. I chose to forget about it and never go back to that situation to feel the pain I was in then. My mind has done a terrific job forgetting about it totally. I am so happy for that.
I haven't been very thankful for everything I have and how truly lucky I am. I am working on trying to be a better person for myself and everyone I am close with. Sometimes I take things for granted. I want to start  appreciating the things that I have rather than wishing or hoping for more. To be honest I am one of the lucky ones. 

3 down, 13 to go..

I had my 3rd chemo treatment Thursday. It was nice seeing all my chemo friends. They are always so sweet and ask how I am doing. There was a new guy in there who had Hodgkin's Lymphoma 10 years ago and now he has Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma. That scared me. For his and my sake. Maybe I am getting a little ahead of myself but I can't help it. I hope and pray I only have to do this once. I am feeling a little angry today. Not because I have to go through this, but because so many people have to. It's not fair in my mind. It's unreal. I wish there were something I could do. I wish I could fight everyone's cancer for them. I know I am strong and I don't think it's fair so many people have to go through this yucky feeling. I admire everyone and their strength. Before this, I never really knew anything about Cancer. I knew my aunt went through it at 21 but to truly understand what she went through, I am going through. That is in my mind the only way anyone could ever possibly know how it feels. I also feel lucky to have this experience. I never knew I could be so strong.

Every muscle in my body is sore. The worst is my throat. It's so sore that I can't swallow. The only craving I have is for sushi. Shrimp was the new craving today. Not sure why. I wonder if other cancer patients crave certain things. I have a hard time sleeping at night. Last night I was up at 3am and couldn't fall asleep until 7am. Then I slept until 12pm. Thank goodness Danny comes home for lunch so he can take my babies potty. I also feel bad for their sake. I know they are just dogs but all they do is lay with me all day. I feel bad I don't have the energy to take them for a walk. I hope they understand. Luke is oblivious but Soph knows. She knows when I am sad and not feeling well. She will come cheer me up and lick my tears. I love it. She is so smart. It's truly amazing how nurturing animals really are. I am lucky to have them. My hair is still thinning. No chunks coming out yet. I am sort of ready to lose it just because when I don't feel good, the last thing I want to do is do my hair. Everyone thinks that losing your hair is the worst part about cancer. But in all honesty, why? It's just hair. It will come back. This post has been an outburst of all the feelings I have been feeling. This is why I love my blog so much.. To get it all out. Now I can breathe.

PURPLE!

Is the color of Hodgkin's Lymphoma Awareness!

Which is crazy because that is my favorite color. Must mean something!

I found this cute website today www.thehodgeshop.com

I just might have to buy a few things. (:

Finally! I know what is going on inside that body of mine. Hodgkin's Lymphoma, stage 3! So happy I know what is going on. I start my chemotherapy next Thursday. I am anxious. Anxious to get it over with and move on with my life. I will have chemo every two weeks. I am just very curious to know how I am going to feel during my sessions. Hopefully not too bad.

I think it is crazy how okay I am with all of this. I am not scared, not worried. I hope that isn't a bad thing. I was talking with my mom today. She was saying how she would never be able to go through something like this. She has to leave the room every time I get an IV. (not sure how you spell that) Anyway I told her, maybe that is why god didn't give you something like this to go through. Because you wouldn't be able to handle it. She totally agreed. I agree to. I believe that is why I am going through this. Because I can handle it. I am okay with that.

I went to Barnes and Noble today. And I have to say that I love that store. I was kinda looking for a book or biography on cancer or someone who went through cancer. I am curious to hear others point of view. I didn't find anything :/ I doubt I was looking in the right place. So I ended up with a planner, go ask alice, and men are from mars, women are from venus. (: I have always wanted to read that one. I would love to get a better understanding about what goes on in Danny's little head! And since I have lots of time to myself, there couldn't be a better time to do so.

thoughts..

Would it be weird to say that I knew this would happen to me? I can't say that I ever wished it would or wanted it to. But I knew. I do not know whether to be scared, happy, nervous, sad, angry, upset, confused, lost. I can't put into words what I am feeling. I am more scared then anything. I am not good with change. I am scared of the unknown. I am not sure how my body is going to react. I wish I knew the outcome of it all. I have a long journey ahead of me. I am not quite sure where this is going to take me. All I know is where I want to go. I know the things I want to do. I know where I want to be once this is all over. I need strength. I need to be positive and strong. That is the only way I will survive.. Lymphoma, you will NEVER be the death of me.

I have the most amazing family ever. I couldn't ask for anything more than the things they do for me. I am so blessed to have them by my side. I wouldn't be able to overcome this challenge without their love.

I have been blessed with this amazing life. Now it is my turn to overcome this challenge I am being faced with. I pray to God to give me the strength I need.