Lately

I am doing really good. I am feeling good. I am totally happy. And for once I am feeling healthy. As healthy as a cancer patient can be. I have lots I need to catch you up on. I've been so busy packing and shopping around for things we need for the house that I have once again been neglecting my blog. Oops.
Like B Davis would say,

"Someone once said, 

It's the good girls who keep diaries. 

The bad girls never have the time. 

Me, I just want to live a life I'm gonna remember. 

Even if I don't write it down."

One of my favorite quotes! Packing is coming along great. I never really knew how much crap we really had in this tiny apartment. I thought it was going to be a lot easier than it really is. I haven't had much help, not even from Danny because he has been working all week. So I do what I can and he lifts everything because I am so weak. :/ It's been good for me to be doing something other than just sitting around or even sleeping. I am so happy that I have had a long feel good week. It seems like chemo is getting a lot easier. Knock on wood. I am down for five days at the most and then I am feeling okay for the rest of the time. I have noticed that I am a lot more tired than I've ever been. After a long day of packing and moving I am so ready for bed that I have no trouble falling asleep. Now I know what it's like to be exhausted and to sleep well. In a month I will be in remission forever. I can't wait. I am so close I almost can't believe it. Just yesterday it feels like I was sitting in the clinic with my grandma finding out that there was something in the xray. Now I am 3 away from my new life! I am so happy. Last night I got to see Emilie and Cody. I was so happy to see them. My mom does glitter toes so they came and got their's done. They turned out really cute. We got to talk about things. I don't know much about them even though we graduated together and it makes me sad that we weren't friends in high school. But at least now we can be. Pretty soon I hope to start having bachelor parties on Monday night. I also want to throw a little house warming party once I am all moved in. I think that would be fun. I will definitely be throwing a cancer free party! That is what I am most excited for. I think I am ready to start working again. Once I am through with chemo I can't wait to get back in the routine of working. I am mostly excited because the money I make will be mine. And not spent on bills or dumb things like that. Now I can buy things for myself and the house. It's exciting. I owe a huge thank you to Kendra. Lately she is who I go to when I am in need of some reassurance. Mainly because we are so much alike. She definitely knows what to say and when. I love that. It's crazy because we were once enemies, but we were also dumb immature high schoolers. I am so happy that we were able to put the past aside and start fresh. It's a big breath of fresh air to be able to do that with others. I have been juggling between Clearfield and Ogden lately and let me just say that I absolutely love Ogden. I never thought I could actually see myself ever living there but now I don't want to leave. It's so close to everything. It's city life but not too much city like Salt Lake. I've come to the mind set that cancer won't be back anytime soon. And if it somehow does come back, I will kick butt just like I have in the past. I am tired of living in fear. I want to be happy in mind and body. The only way I can truly be that is to take a breath and not worry what the future will bring. I am not there yet. I am here. So I am going to be blissful when I am healthy, also blissful when I am not. I hope that I can keep my mind in a peaceful place. It's work but it's worth working on. I hope to be back to blogging at least once a day once I am done packing and moving and we are stable at our new place. I've missed it. Thanks for listening. Have a great weekend!

"If you can't handle me at my worst..

then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."

Day 20 - My dream guy. Does it need an explanation? 

My dream guy has never had to look a certain way. 

I've always found that it's much more than just looks. 

I've always wanted a guy to be:

selfless, 

loyal, 

kind, 

funny,

generous, 

patient, 

loving, 

understanding, 

strong, 

independent.

I know this list may sound like a lot of qualities. I don't expect every guy to fit these but I have found someone who is closer than I ever imagined to these. He has seen me at my absolute worst and is still here. I adore him more than anyone I have ever met. I am very lucky to be able to call him mine. He is very special to me.

The Book Of Awakening

Rachael recommended this book to me and I am so happy she did. I am only on the second day and I love it already. This is a book where you read a page a day. It starts with January 1st so I am a few days behind but I will have no problem catching up. 
January 2nd it talks about trying to open a door with things in your hands, we all do this. 
"It's such a simple thing, but in a moment of ego we refuse to put down what we carry in order to open the door. Time and time again, we are offered the chance to truly learn this: We cannot hold onto things and enter. We must put down what we carry, open the door, and then take up only what we need to bring inside."

"Gather, prepare, put down, enter."

My boggled mind

Sometimes I think I need more inspiration than most people do. I'm constantly looking for inspiration in anything, a song, a letter, a comment, a conversation. Is this a bad thing? I see others living their lives to an extent that I don't think I have reached yet. I know everyone is different and that everyone is on a different page, but sometimes I wish I was on the same page as most. I am content where I'm at, but I want to be further in life.. I hate wishing my life away but I can't help it. I find it hard to live in the moment because I am too worried about my future. I need to remember that good things don't some easy, they take time. 

I have the worst case of anxiety and this is something I never knew until Danny pointed it out, like a flaw. I hated it, no one wants their lover pointing out flaws you have. It took me awhile to come to the realization that yeah I do have anxiety. That is why I freak out about being on time, or I have to make sure the door is locked multiple times a day so I don't get "robbed." It's almost like I try to prevent things from happening to me. Anxiety is something I actually like about myself in some ways, not all. Some days it's so bad, I wish I could turn something off in my head and go back to sleep. I can't wait to talk to a doctor about this once I am done with chemotherapy. I might be able to take some kind of medication now but I think my body has enough medicine in it that I don't want to overwhelm it. 

My mind is always running, nonstop, all day. I come up with the most amazing things in my head. This is something that I love about myself. I think this is why I am not a good listener. I start off focusing on what someone says but then I find myself thinking about what they said at the beginning in great detail that I forget that they are still talking.. I wish I could turn off my brain, not just by sleeping. I wish there were another way. I can't even enjoy the beat to a song because I am too busy listening to the lyrics, finding the meaning and applying it to my life. I am emotional. I would love for someone to totally understand me and get me. I would love for someone to analyze me and why I do the things I do. If this is what therapists do, maybe it would be nice to get one. I wonder if I am "normal" or close to it. I don't believe in normal, that is why I quote it. 

Have you ever spent the day with someone who is exactly like you, I mean down to the pin point. I have. Today I spent most of my day with my dad. I wonder if it's awkward that I find myself so much like him. Good or bad thing? You tell me. I loved spending today with him. Anything I say to him he agrees and always adds something that I agree with. I love talking with him because of how much he gets me. He used to take me everywhere when I was little and I miss going to dumb stores with him. I am kind of mad at myself for not knowing how much alike we are until now. I grew up in the same house with him for 18 years. You'd think I would have known how alike we are but then I think maybe I wasn't the same person growing up. Maybe that is why we didn't get along and butted heads so much. I have changed, a lot but I think it was for the better. I have a closer relationship with my family, I think that is important. Time isn't lost. I still have time to do more things with my family. I mean why not, life is short. Who knows how much time is left. 

I came across this quote today by a guy named Steve Jobs, thought I'd share. "Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma-which is living with the results of other peoples thinking. Don't let the noise of others opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary."

Diamond

On The Talk today Julie said something that I fell in love with. She said, 

"Marriage is like the shape of a diamond. You start at the top and then as you start spending more time together you start growing apart. If you can get through the widest part of the diamond, you will eventually come back together."

Changes for 2011

2011

This year I will be turning twenty and I'm starting to get excited. This year is probably going to be my favorite year of my life so far. Soon I will be in remission. I've been diagnosed with cancer for 107 days, exactly. As you can imagine it's been the most life changing, and eye opening experience that I hope I only get once in life because once was all I needed. I am happy to be living in a way that most people never live. Everyone is given one life, short or long doesn't matter, it matters what you do in that time. I find this to be true. 2011 is going to bring, remission, NO MORE CANCER. Better yet, NO MORE CHEMOTHERAPY. It's going to bring my future with Danny, hopefully engagement, maybe even marriage. In 2011 I will be living my life my way, FINALLY. I will be 100% healthy in body and mind. My mind for once feels healthy. The toxins of what I used to think life was have vanished and my mind now knows how to live a happy and fulfilled life. Being at this state of mind is weight being lifted off my shoulders. I can breathe. I feel successful in my state of mind. I've always dreamed of being here.

I've made a bunch of new year resolutions that I hope to achieve;

* Start eating healthy.

* Improve education.

* Exercise hopefully everyday.

* Use less salt and butter.

* Get a better understanding of Danny.

* Watch less TV.

* Get organized.

* Stop swearing.

* Go to bed at a decent hour.

* Take Soph and Luke for a walk 3 times a week.

* Spend less money on unnecessary things. 

* Help others more.

* Keep my house clean.

* Be a better friend.

* Be a better "other half."

* Tell the ones I love, "I love you" more.

* Run a 8 minute mile.

* Stay focused in school.

* Be happy with the way I look. 

New Year, New Life, New Me. 

"Cheers to a new year and another chance for us to get it right."

Historical inspiration

day 8

Walter Elias Disney; I find him an inspiration because of his rare imagination. It's amazing the  Disney movies he's came up with. I wish there was someone today that was at least similar to him. He was a brilliant man.

"All our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them."

the holiday

"I've found almost everything ever written about love to be true. Shakespeare said “Journeys end in lovers meeting.” What an extraordinary thought. Personally, I have not experienced anything remotely close to that, but I am more than willing to believe Shakespeare had. I suppose I think about love more than anyone really should. I am constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives. It was Shakespeare who also said “love is blind”. Now that is something I know to be true. For some quite inexplicably, love fades; for others love is simply lost. But then of course love can also be found, even if just for the night. And then, there’s another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. It's called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space! Yes, you are looking at one such individual. And I have willingly loved that man for over three miserable years! The absolute worst years of my life! The worst Christmas’, the worst Birthday’s, New Years Eve’s brought in by tears and valium. These years that I have been in love have been the darkest days of my life. All because I’ve been cursed by being in love with a man who does not and will not love me back. Oh god, just the sight of him! Heart pounding! Throat thickening! Absolutely can’t swallow! All the usual symptoms."

"A dog has no use for fancy cars, big homes, or designer clothes. A water log stick will do just fine. A dog doesn't care if your rich or poor, clever or dull, smart or dumb. Give him your heart and he'll give you his. How many people can you say that about? How many people can make you feel rare, pure, and special? How many people can make you feel extraordinary?"

-Marley&Me

It's you.

Follow your bliss,

Exactly what I'm doing (:

Sarah Dessen

"There is never a time or place for true love. It happens accidentally, in a heartbeat, in a single flashing, throbbing moment."

— Sarah Dessen (The Truth About Forever)

"Life is an awful, ugly place to not have a best friend."

— Sarah Dessen (Someone Like You)

"Love is needing someone. Love is putting up with someone's bad qualities because they somehow complete you."

— Sarah Dessen (This Lullaby)

"Don't think or judge, just listen."

— Sarah Dessen (Just Listen)

"No relationship is perfect, ever. There are always some ways you have to bend, to compromise, to give something up in order to gain something greater...The love we have for each other is bigger than these small differences. And that's the key. It's like a big pie chart, and the love in a relationship has to be the biggest piece. Love can make up for a lot."

— Sarah Dessen (This Lullaby)

"It's just that...I just think that some things are meant to be broken. Imperfect. Chaotic. It's the universe's way of providing contrast, you know? There have to be a few holes in the road. It's how life is."

— Sarah Dessen (The Truth About Forever)

"It's a lot easier to be lost than found. It's the reason we're always searching and rarely discovered--so many locks not enough keys."

— Sarah Dessen (Lock and Key)

"It's all in the view. That's what I mean about forever, too. For any one of us our forever could end in an hour, or a hundred years from now. You never know for sure, so you'd better make every second count."

— Sarah Dessen (The Truth About Forever)

"You know, when it works, love is pretty amazing. It's not overrated. There's a reason for all those songs."

— Sarah Dessen (This Lullaby)

"I knew, in the silence that followed, that anything could happen here. It might be too late: again, I might have missed my chance. But I would at least know I tried, that I took my heart and extended my hand, whatever the outcome. "Okay," he said. He took a breath. "What would you do, if you could do anything?" I took a step toward him, closing the space between us. "This," I said. And then I kissed him."

— Sarah Dessen (The Truth About Forever)

"You should never be surprised when someone treats you with respect, you should expect it."

— Sarah Dessen (Keeping The Moon)

"It was just one of those things," I said, "You know, that just happen. You don't think or plan. You just do it."

— Sarah Dessen (The Truth About Forever)

"Holding people away from you, and denying yourself love, that doesn't make you strong. if anything, it makes you weaker. Because you're doing it out of fear."

— Sarah Dessen (This Lullaby)

"What did it feel like, I wondered, to love someone that much? So much that you couldn't even control yourself when they came close, as if you might just break free of whatever was holding you and throw yourself at them with enough force to easily overwhelm you both."

— Sarah Dessen (This Lullaby)

"That was the thing. You never got used to it, the idea of someone being gone. Just when you think it's reconciled, accepted, someone points it out to you, and it just hits you all over again, that shocking."

— Sarah Dessen (The Truth About Forever)

"Shoulda, coulda, woulda. It's so easy in the past tense. "

— Sarah Dessen (The Truth About Forever)

"What you need, what you deserve, is a guy who adores you for what you are. Who doesn't see you as a project, but a prize. you know?"

— Sarah Dessen (The Truth About Forever)

"But I'd long ago learned not to be picky in farewells. They weren't guaranteed or promised.

You were lucky, more than blessed, if you got a good-bye at all."

— Sarah Dessen (The Truth About Forever)

On a good note

Last night I woke up in the middle of the night and finished The Guardian.

I thought this book was amazing. I loved it so much. One of my favorites for sure.

It touched me. I cried. I don't want to ruin it to people who haven't read it yet

but I wanted to share part of it. The part that inspired me. Gave me the chills.

Dogs are a true blessing. Their instincts. Their courage. We should

be more thankful then we are for them. They are something special.

"And like a dream, from the corner of her eye

she saw a vision cresting over the dune,

her guardian charging through the darkness."

To you:

Day 24: Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs.

"It's In Your Blood" By: Lydia, Got me through losing someone special.

"Torn" By: Natalie Imbruglia, Reminds me of Danny.

"Rock Your Soul" By: Elisa, Spiritual. Inspiring.

"For Blue Skies" By: Strays Don't Sleep, reminds me of One Tree Hill. Brucas.

"23" By: Jimmy Eat World, Also reminds me One Tree Hill.

"Breathe Me" By: Sia, Reminds me of Casey, dancing.

"So I Thought" By: Flyleaf, Realizing it wasn't what you thought.

"Existentialism on Prom Night" By: Straylight Run, Senior Prom.

"Kissed By a Rose" By: Seal, Magic from a kiss.

"Be My Escape" By: Relient K, Needing someone to escape life with.

"Smother Me" By: The Used, Longed for someone to sing this to me.

"All Hail The Heartbreaker" By: The Spill Canvas, Realized someone special is a heartbreaker.

"Discovering the Waterfront" By: Silverstein, Realizing it's not meant to be.

"The Quiet Things No One Ever Knows" By: Brand New, Lies. Secrets.

"Who Knew" By: Pink, How I felt about Danny when he wasn't mine.

"Jesus Christ" By: Brand New, How I feel about Christ.

"Escape" By: Enrique Iglesias, Mine and Danny's song from Sophomore year.

"Make Tonight" By: Emanuel, Too personal to share. (:

"When The Sun Sleeps" By: Underoath, Gave me hope in a lost love.

"Your Own Disaster" By: Taking Back Sunday, Got me through never feeling "good enough."

"New American Classic" By: Taking Back Sunday, Gave me a piece of mind.

"Lost and Found" By: Taking Back Sunday, Young lost love.

"Bloody Romance" By: Senses Fail, From the moment you left I knew something wasn't right.

"She Will Be Loved" By: Maroon 5, Danny once told me this was about me.

"No Such Thing" By: John Mayer, Got me through High School.

"Iris" By: The Goo Goo Dolls, Reminds me of being in love.

"Not Ready To Make Nice" By: Dixie Chicks, Reminds me of Mckennah, singing.

"Pretty Girl" By: Sugarcult, How I felt through High School.

"Fast Car" By: Tracy Chapman, Beautiful, Uplifting.

"Free Fallin" By: Tom Petty, Being free.

"Meet Virginia" By: Trian, Me in every single way!

"Who's To Say" By: Vanessa Carlton, Words of wisdom.

"White Houses" By: Vanessa Carlton, Life being in love.

"Niki FM" By: Hawthorne Heights, Wanted a boy outside my window.

I wasn't planning on naming this many but I couldn't leave any of these off this list. These songs got me through some of the hardest times. Breakups, Love, Loneliness, Sadness, Happiness, Inspirations. I recommend them to anyone who needs some guidance in their lives. In a way music saved my life. I am without a doubt, a lyric girl.

"You know, I’ve got this theory; There are two kinds of people in the world. There are lyric people and music people. You know, the lyric people tend to be analytical. They know, all about the meaning of the song. They’re the ones you see with the CD insert out like five minutes after buying it, pouring over the lyrics, interpreting the hell out of everything. Then there’s the music people.. who could care less for the lyrics as long as it's just got like, a good beat and you could dance to it. I don’t know, sometimes it might be easier to be a music girl and not a lyric girl. But since I’m not, let me just say this: Sometimes things find you when you need them to find you. I believe that. And for me, it’s usually song lyrics."

-Peyton Sawyer

The wonderful thing about the internet is I can always find something that fits my mood. Something I need to hear to make me strong again. Inspired. Here are some things I wanted to share..

"Cancer I did not give you the right,

To invade my body and take a bite.

This is my body and with all my might,

I will prevail with one hell of a fight.

To the cancer inside, I will battle and kill.

For that is my body's God given will.

To my cancer, these words I do send.

Your life is short and near the end."

Life is what happens while you're making other plans. -John Lennon

It’s that ‘we’re not responsible for our cancer; we’re responsible to our cancer.

Surround yourself with those who believe in you and open your heart to all the gifts you will receive. Never allow previous problems to overcome you- chemotherapy time is only for healing. Remember, there are lots of survivors.

"The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more,

that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds.

And that's what you've given me. That's what I'd hoped to give you forever."

I love this.

"Whatever you do in life will be insignificant.

But it's very important that you do it."

-Gandhi

November 3rd

Is a good day. Mainly because Danny was born! He is now 20, it makes me sad he is no longer a teenager. He is an adult with a lot of responsibilities. Soon I will be 20 and I am not sure if I am excited about it or not. I feel 20 is a big step. I know I will really have to grow up. Which is a good thing but I will be officially done with my teenage years and that scares me because it's all I've known for the past seven years. I am so happy Danny has today off. I feel lucky to be spending his birthday with him. I have never met anyone so sweet, so smart, so genuine, so caring, so loving, so patient, so kind, so secure, so mature. This boy is my world. I can't wait to see what our future has in store. I can't wait to face and overcome everything together. I am truly the luckiest girl in the entire world. Happy Birthday Daniel Frank Moyes! I love you so much!

Imagine a future moment in your life where all

your dreams come true. You

know, it's the

greatest moment of your life and you get

to experience it with one person.

Who's standing next to you..

My fundraiser:

Last night I had my fundraiser at Boston's where I work. Let me just say it was a lot to take in, it was very overwhelming but in such an amazing way. The restaurant was packed! PACKED! The place was filled of family, friends, friends of friends, etc. It was an all around good vibe. Everyone was very patient in getting a table and very generous. Ian sold all of his shirts and has many more to make for the people that didn't get one because they were sold out. Our raffle went really good, thanks to Anna, Madison, Ashley! I am so thankful to all my wonderful co-workers who worked their butt's off! It was a lot of fun. And I hope everyone who came had fun as well. It was good seeing friends from school that I hadn't seen in forever. An amazing turn out! I am so happy and so blessed to be as loved as I am. I am a lucky girl. Thanks to everyone who made this possible and thank you to everyone who came out and showed your love. I really appreciate it. I will be posting pictures soon! I need to steal them from my aunt!

Tomorrow:

Thursday, you know what that means. Time for another round of chemo.. I am happy Danny gets to take me. I am excited to see Dr. Hansen and all the nurses. And of course all the patients! I have an early appointment thankfully so I won't have to wait for a chair to open up. I am happy I go this week just so I can get it over with. But it sucks because once I start feeling great, I have to go back. But I know it's just one step closer to where I want to be. Last time I noticed my hair thinning. This time I am told it will start coming out in chunks. So when that happens it's gone! I am sorta scared for this to happen. I think it's going to be a mix of emotions. But I am excited for the experience.

Day 8: Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like poo.

As I was thinking about this question, I wasn't sure if I could think of someone who has made my life hell. But someone just came to mind that I think fits the criteria pretty well. Although I haven't thought of this person at all since high school until now. Probably because I could care less about this person. I don't want to bad mouth her just because that is the kind of person I am but if I were ever to see her this day, I would simply ask her, why? Why was she so rude. Why was she so jealous. Why was she so insecure. Why was she such a bully. Why did she hate me so much. Why was I such a threat to her. She didn't really make my life hell because I never let her get to me but I simply always wondered these questions. She was very snotty and mean towards me and I never fully got it. I never did anything to her. I am glad that high school ended for that reason.. Drama.

Xoxox

"I'm just doing you what you wanted."

"What i wanted? I wanted you to fight for me. I wanted you to say there

is no one else that you could ever be with, and that you'd rather be alone than without me.

I wanted the Lucas Scott from the beach that night telling the world that he's the one for me."

"How was I supposed to know that?"

"You just are."