To say I am struggling..

would be an understatement.
I don't even know where to begin. 2019 has been the worst year of my life.
The main reasons are losing the ones I love the most.
I have been very fortunate for 28 years to not have to deal with any deaths.
I am not only grieving their loss, but the loss of myself.
I feel like a piece of me has gone with them.

I feel lost. numb. broken. alone. scared. out of control.
Every negative emotion you can think of, I feel it.
Daily lately.

Now I have always struggled with depression, but over the years I have learned how to shake it.
To feel it and then release myself from it. But this year, it has been different.

I have no complaints in my little families life. My girls are thriving. Danny and I are as good as we can be (it is my fault we are not, because of what I am going through.) We just bought a house in sunny Florida. No surgeries in sight. So what is the problem?

I wish I knew the answer.

Tomorrow I will be calling to set up an appointment with a therapist. I should have done this sooner. But I thought I would be able to get myself out of this rut I am in. But it is easier said than done. And I can't. And that is okay.

Love Always,
Kristin

one more thing to add to the list

Roughly a month ago I had my pet scan. You know the one that showed the terrific news about my cancer cells shrinking. Well there was something else that showed up on that scan as well.. I've been told it's "not that big of a deal" and "not to worry about it".. but hello, I am miss anxiety! How can I not. The reason I am even blogging about this is because lately it's been a concern of mine. They found a cyst on my left ovary and lately it's been giving me a lot of pain. This is something I brought up with Dr. Hansen as soon as I found out. He told me that once chemotherapy is over we will look more into it, unless it is giving me pain now, which at the time I was having little pain and always wondered what it was and now it makes total sense. Well now that it is giving me more frequent pain I am thinking I should tell him so he can tell me what he thinks we should do. I hate being the paranoid patient but why shouldn't I be. I want my body as healthy as possible. Like I said it's probably nothing but I worry, back to I worry about having children. I feel like sometimes life is giving me every doubt that I will not be able to get pregnant. This has a lot to do with my anxiety. I am a firm believer in thoughts become things so I hate thinking negative things but honestly I can't help it. I've tried. I've thought about this all day and it hasn't left my mind. Now that I am blogging about it I'm hoping it will leave my mind so I can actually take a break and get some rest. I can't wait to talk to Dr. Hansen for some advice on what the hell is going on in my body. Like I said, he always eases my mind.

take caution before reading

Why I say this is because I want to go into detail of how I have been feeling after my fourth chemo treatment. I wanted to warn you all because it isn't pretty. People have been telling me what not to blog about during my fight but then I wonder what the point of my blog would be if I couldn't be honest. This is my experience that I never want to forget. So if I want to blog about how crappy I feel, I am going to. I don't sugar coat everything, I'd rather be brutally honest. I am not going to tell you it's not that bad when really, it sort of is. I don't have a normal sleeping pattern. I wake up randomly in the middle of the night wide awake. I am constantly constipated. My stomach hurts, like really bad cramps. I randomly throw up. I am always nauseous. I don't have an appetite. My first meal is usually around 2pm when I have to force myself to eat something. I am probably the only person gaining weight on chemo. I have crazy mood swings. No energy. I have a constant headache. My hair is thinning. There is hair everywhere. I am not ready to shave it, but I really wish I were. I feel like the most negative person. I should be thankful that my cancer is disappearing but it's hard to stay positive when I am constantly feeling like crap. I am only human. I think I have the right to be upset. I have the right to not be happy all the time right? I can have bad days. I keep telling myself it's okay to show other emotions. That I don't have to be happy all the time. I can't wait until I no longer feel these symptoms! I am so ready for my good days! Please come soon and stay!

xoxox

Day 16: Someone or something you definitely could live without.

Negativity

Gaining Weight

Hatred

Abuse is all it's forms.

Sadness

Celebrity Gossip

Lies

Illnesses

Headaches

Tragedies

Nausea

Drugs

War

Mosquitoes

Cancer

Just to name a few..

Some of these I think make us who we are and teach us very valuable lessons.

Such as being sick, we wouldn't be as grateful for our healthy days.

Gaining weight, gives us the motivation to eat healthy and exercise.

I think sadness in a way is beautiful, if there was no such thing we wouldn't have any emotion.

Tragedies, make us all come together.

Cancer has changed my life, for the better. I have a new outlook on life.

I am truly grateful for the things that make me feel emotions.

Without these things, I'd be numb. I wouldn't feel.

xoxox

Black Ops?

So if you haven't heard or didn't know, Call of Duty Black Ops came out yesterday. This was something Danny wanted, badly. We would see the commercials for it and he would absolutely go nuts. So I pre-ordered it for his late birthday present. Not sure why because I lose my boyfriend to this game but I did it because I am nice and knew he wanted it. (: Well it arrived in the mail yesterday. After sushi we came home and he wasn't sure if he wanted to play it because then he would want to stay up all night and beat it. But I told him that I wanted to watch him play it. Which never happens! I always leave the room when he plays it, and now I remember why. I have never been so disappointed.. so sick to my stomach, so angry. I thought maybe this was just my opinion because I am a typical girl. I hate gory things, I hate violence, I hate hurting someone. After watching Danny play for a few minutes I tell him to pause it. He does, I look at him and say, "If we had kids, you would not be playing this!" He replied, "Oh, I know!" So I was happy that he agreed with how horrible this game really is. I feel like a nagging mom. But how could I not? I am very mature and grown up and I don't think this game benefits anyone in anyway. It scares me that kids around the world have this game and play it on a regular basis. It also scares me that when I have my own kids, video games will be even more advanced and gory. I will admit that this game looks and feels amazingly real. It feels like you are in the game. But after watching Danny beat a few levels, I was mad and disgusted. People are beating the crap out of people with sticks, you watch bullets go through people's head, you watch people's head's get blown off, you hear people screaming til they die. I am actually mad at myself for ordering that game. I can't watch Danny play it anymore. Maybe I am just a baby. Cause I am sure a lot of people say "It's just a game" but how is it just a game when it looks so real. I wanted to blog about this mainly because I want people to see how horrible it really is. If you ever get the chance to watch someone play, I suggest you do because that is the only way you will see my side. I wonder too if anyone else feels this way? Thanks for listening. (: