OTH

One more quick thing. Danny got me One Tree Hill season 6&7 for my birthday.
I am SO excited. I cannot wait to watch them. (:

Em, I will let you borrow them after I am done watching them.

xoxox

Lately

I am doing really good. I am feeling good. I am totally happy. And for once I am feeling healthy. As healthy as a cancer patient can be. I have lots I need to catch you up on. I've been so busy packing and shopping around for things we need for the house that I have once again been neglecting my blog. Oops.
Like B Davis would say,

"Someone once said, 

It's the good girls who keep diaries. 

The bad girls never have the time. 

Me, I just want to live a life I'm gonna remember. 

Even if I don't write it down."

One of my favorite quotes! Packing is coming along great. I never really knew how much crap we really had in this tiny apartment. I thought it was going to be a lot easier than it really is. I haven't had much help, not even from Danny because he has been working all week. So I do what I can and he lifts everything because I am so weak. :/ It's been good for me to be doing something other than just sitting around or even sleeping. I am so happy that I have had a long feel good week. It seems like chemo is getting a lot easier. Knock on wood. I am down for five days at the most and then I am feeling okay for the rest of the time. I have noticed that I am a lot more tired than I've ever been. After a long day of packing and moving I am so ready for bed that I have no trouble falling asleep. Now I know what it's like to be exhausted and to sleep well. In a month I will be in remission forever. I can't wait. I am so close I almost can't believe it. Just yesterday it feels like I was sitting in the clinic with my grandma finding out that there was something in the xray. Now I am 3 away from my new life! I am so happy. Last night I got to see Emilie and Cody. I was so happy to see them. My mom does glitter toes so they came and got their's done. They turned out really cute. We got to talk about things. I don't know much about them even though we graduated together and it makes me sad that we weren't friends in high school. But at least now we can be. Pretty soon I hope to start having bachelor parties on Monday night. I also want to throw a little house warming party once I am all moved in. I think that would be fun. I will definitely be throwing a cancer free party! That is what I am most excited for. I think I am ready to start working again. Once I am through with chemo I can't wait to get back in the routine of working. I am mostly excited because the money I make will be mine. And not spent on bills or dumb things like that. Now I can buy things for myself and the house. It's exciting. I owe a huge thank you to Kendra. Lately she is who I go to when I am in need of some reassurance. Mainly because we are so much alike. She definitely knows what to say and when. I love that. It's crazy because we were once enemies, but we were also dumb immature high schoolers. I am so happy that we were able to put the past aside and start fresh. It's a big breath of fresh air to be able to do that with others. I have been juggling between Clearfield and Ogden lately and let me just say that I absolutely love Ogden. I never thought I could actually see myself ever living there but now I don't want to leave. It's so close to everything. It's city life but not too much city like Salt Lake. I've come to the mind set that cancer won't be back anytime soon. And if it somehow does come back, I will kick butt just like I have in the past. I am tired of living in fear. I want to be happy in mind and body. The only way I can truly be that is to take a breath and not worry what the future will bring. I am not there yet. I am here. So I am going to be blissful when I am healthy, also blissful when I am not. I hope that I can keep my mind in a peaceful place. It's work but it's worth working on. I hope to be back to blogging at least once a day once I am done packing and moving and we are stable at our new place. I've missed it. Thanks for listening. Have a great weekend!

happiness.

Day 21 - Happiness. A picture of something that makes me happy.

Brucas

Sophia Bush is one of my idols. She is classy, smart, beautiful. I have never been disappointed by her and the things she does, the choices she makes. Chad Micheal Murray is probably my number one on cutest guys. His smile, voice, and attitude I find very sexy. I have been IN LOVE with this couple ever since One Tree Hill, and once I found out that the both of them were actually getting married in real life, you can only imagine what I felt. Happiness. Brooke and Lucas were always my favorite couple. I found myself exactly like Brooke, and I always wanted to find me a Lucas. I am still a little pissed off at Mark Schwahn for putting Peyton and Lucas together but there is nothing I can do about this. After hearing rumors that Chad was "unfaithful" to Sophia, I will never look at him the same. He is now on the bottom of my sexy guy list. Any guy who is unfaithful is someone I probably won't give the time of day. Who could do that to beautiful Sophia. I wish her the best and hope someday soon she finds her special someone, and I hope he treats her the way every women should be treated. I am sure you are wondering why this couple makes me happy.. that is still a little unknown to me but I will do my best to share why. I feel that, they both look really happy in this picture. They had a kind of love that I've always dreamed of finding. Their relationship gave me hope and confidence that one day I will find my special someone. They've taught me a lot through the characters that they've played. I am not sure I could of got through high school without them. This picture makes me happy whenever I see it. I still wish they were married. I thought they were perfect together. I also give Sophia a lot of respect for ending their marriage, most women aren't strong enough to move on. They think that they can change but in reality, probably never will. It says a lot about her, she is very strong and independent, and doesn't need a man to be happy in life. I love that.

Some quotes by Sophia Bush

"This is a difficult and unfortunate situation. 

I am glad this is being resolved sooner rather than later."

"The hardest situation to stay happy in, I think, 
is when you're trying to find love, and yourself 
at the same time. It just doesn't seem to fit well."

"When you realize the good people in your life, you're so lucky."

"Marriage is not about age, it's about finding the right person."

It's you.

To you:

Day 24: Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs.

"It's In Your Blood" By: Lydia, Got me through losing someone special.

"Torn" By: Natalie Imbruglia, Reminds me of Danny.

"Rock Your Soul" By: Elisa, Spiritual. Inspiring.

"For Blue Skies" By: Strays Don't Sleep, reminds me of One Tree Hill. Brucas.

"23" By: Jimmy Eat World, Also reminds me One Tree Hill.

"Breathe Me" By: Sia, Reminds me of Casey, dancing.

"So I Thought" By: Flyleaf, Realizing it wasn't what you thought.

"Existentialism on Prom Night" By: Straylight Run, Senior Prom.

"Kissed By a Rose" By: Seal, Magic from a kiss.

"Be My Escape" By: Relient K, Needing someone to escape life with.

"Smother Me" By: The Used, Longed for someone to sing this to me.

"All Hail The Heartbreaker" By: The Spill Canvas, Realized someone special is a heartbreaker.

"Discovering the Waterfront" By: Silverstein, Realizing it's not meant to be.

"The Quiet Things No One Ever Knows" By: Brand New, Lies. Secrets.

"Who Knew" By: Pink, How I felt about Danny when he wasn't mine.

"Jesus Christ" By: Brand New, How I feel about Christ.

"Escape" By: Enrique Iglesias, Mine and Danny's song from Sophomore year.

"Make Tonight" By: Emanuel, Too personal to share. (:

"When The Sun Sleeps" By: Underoath, Gave me hope in a lost love.

"Your Own Disaster" By: Taking Back Sunday, Got me through never feeling "good enough."

"New American Classic" By: Taking Back Sunday, Gave me a piece of mind.

"Lost and Found" By: Taking Back Sunday, Young lost love.

"Bloody Romance" By: Senses Fail, From the moment you left I knew something wasn't right.

"She Will Be Loved" By: Maroon 5, Danny once told me this was about me.

"No Such Thing" By: John Mayer, Got me through High School.

"Iris" By: The Goo Goo Dolls, Reminds me of being in love.

"Not Ready To Make Nice" By: Dixie Chicks, Reminds me of Mckennah, singing.

"Pretty Girl" By: Sugarcult, How I felt through High School.

"Fast Car" By: Tracy Chapman, Beautiful, Uplifting.

"Free Fallin" By: Tom Petty, Being free.

"Meet Virginia" By: Trian, Me in every single way!

"Who's To Say" By: Vanessa Carlton, Words of wisdom.

"White Houses" By: Vanessa Carlton, Life being in love.

"Niki FM" By: Hawthorne Heights, Wanted a boy outside my window.

I wasn't planning on naming this many but I couldn't leave any of these off this list. These songs got me through some of the hardest times. Breakups, Love, Loneliness, Sadness, Happiness, Inspirations. I recommend them to anyone who needs some guidance in their lives. In a way music saved my life. I am without a doubt, a lyric girl.

"You know, I’ve got this theory; There are two kinds of people in the world. There are lyric people and music people. You know, the lyric people tend to be analytical. They know, all about the meaning of the song. They’re the ones you see with the CD insert out like five minutes after buying it, pouring over the lyrics, interpreting the hell out of everything. Then there’s the music people.. who could care less for the lyrics as long as it's just got like, a good beat and you could dance to it. I don’t know, sometimes it might be easier to be a music girl and not a lyric girl. But since I’m not, let me just say this: Sometimes things find you when you need them to find you. I believe that. And for me, it’s usually song lyrics."

-Peyton Sawyer

November 3rd

Is a good day. Mainly because Danny was born! He is now 20, it makes me sad he is no longer a teenager. He is an adult with a lot of responsibilities. Soon I will be 20 and I am not sure if I am excited about it or not. I feel 20 is a big step. I know I will really have to grow up. Which is a good thing but I will be officially done with my teenage years and that scares me because it's all I've known for the past seven years. I am so happy Danny has today off. I feel lucky to be spending his birthday with him. I have never met anyone so sweet, so smart, so genuine, so caring, so loving, so patient, so kind, so secure, so mature. This boy is my world. I can't wait to see what our future has in store. I can't wait to face and overcome everything together. I am truly the luckiest girl in the entire world. Happy Birthday Daniel Frank Moyes! I love you so much!

Imagine a future moment in your life where all

your dreams come true. You

know, it's the

greatest moment of your life and you get

to experience it with one person.

Who's standing next to you..

My fundraiser:

Last night I had my fundraiser at Boston's where I work. Let me just say it was a lot to take in, it was very overwhelming but in such an amazing way. The restaurant was packed! PACKED! The place was filled of family, friends, friends of friends, etc. It was an all around good vibe. Everyone was very patient in getting a table and very generous. Ian sold all of his shirts and has many more to make for the people that didn't get one because they were sold out. Our raffle went really good, thanks to Anna, Madison, Ashley! I am so thankful to all my wonderful co-workers who worked their butt's off! It was a lot of fun. And I hope everyone who came had fun as well. It was good seeing friends from school that I hadn't seen in forever. An amazing turn out! I am so happy and so blessed to be as loved as I am. I am a lucky girl. Thanks to everyone who made this possible and thank you to everyone who came out and showed your love. I really appreciate it. I will be posting pictures soon! I need to steal them from my aunt!

Tomorrow:

Thursday, you know what that means. Time for another round of chemo.. I am happy Danny gets to take me. I am excited to see Dr. Hansen and all the nurses. And of course all the patients! I have an early appointment thankfully so I won't have to wait for a chair to open up. I am happy I go this week just so I can get it over with. But it sucks because once I start feeling great, I have to go back. But I know it's just one step closer to where I want to be. Last time I noticed my hair thinning. This time I am told it will start coming out in chunks. So when that happens it's gone! I am sorta scared for this to happen. I think it's going to be a mix of emotions. But I am excited for the experience.

Day 8: Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like poo.

As I was thinking about this question, I wasn't sure if I could think of someone who has made my life hell. But someone just came to mind that I think fits the criteria pretty well. Although I haven't thought of this person at all since high school until now. Probably because I could care less about this person. I don't want to bad mouth her just because that is the kind of person I am but if I were ever to see her this day, I would simply ask her, why? Why was she so rude. Why was she so jealous. Why was she so insecure. Why was she such a bully. Why did she hate me so much. Why was I such a threat to her. She didn't really make my life hell because I never let her get to me but I simply always wondered these questions. She was very snotty and mean towards me and I never fully got it. I never did anything to her. I am glad that high school ended for that reason.. Drama.

Xoxox

"I'm just doing you what you wanted."

"What i wanted? I wanted you to fight for me. I wanted you to say there

is no one else that you could ever be with, and that you'd rather be alone than without me.

I wanted the Lucas Scott from the beach that night telling the world that he's the one for me."

"How was I supposed to know that?"

"You just are."

Everyone needs to invest in a quote book. I have had mine quite some time now, whenever I hear or come across a quote that I like I write it in this book I have. I am coming pretty far with it. It is a lot of writing and does take some time but whenever I am sad, lonely, down, confused, lost, etc.. I read it. And all the wonderful quotes that I have forgot about. They do their job again, and bring me back to the bliss. I love being inspired. That is just one of the ways I breathe and become sane. So many of my quotes are from this amazing TV series, One Tree Hill. And honestly if you haven't watched the first 4 seasons you are missing out on life. I promise! One Tree Hill and my quote book got me through ALL of high school. That is when I can truly say my life was the hardest. I think it is inspiration that keeps me going. Those two things I cannot live without.

Also today in the shower, (during the incident of my 6 month old baby Luke eating boneless buffalo bites.. Yes ate them all and didn't even get sick. Not sure how he couldn't with his little belly.) Anyway during my shower today I was thinking a lot about myself and my life. And how much happier I am when I let things go, when I forgive. I just think about how short my life is and I don't want to spend one day angry at something that doesn't even deserve my time. When I look back on my life I want to believe that I did the right thing, in every situation I come across. Spending my life angry and upset about something isn't the way I want to live it. If I spend my life angry at the world, I will die angry at the world. When I am the farthest thing from angry at this beautiful life I have. I am truly blessed. I think about it everyday, how much worse things could be. But they aren't I am so lucky to be living in this small one bedroom apartment with everything I could ever imagine wanting. I have the best family anyone could ask for. I cannot thank god enough.

So I am not much of a, I guess you could say religious person. I was baptized and brought up Mormon but once I finally found myself and knew the things I believed and wanted I figured out it just wasn't for me. This may be horrible of me to say, but I like to be honest with myself or it drives me crazy. But I do believe in god. And I do believe that when I am married, temple or not, I will be with Danny forever. I strongly believe in that. I guess there is no right or wrong thing to believe in. All we can do is believe right? I follow my heart. It gets me through the day.

Standards. This is my next subject. I may say some pretty harsh things about Danny so please forgive me baby, I will say nothing but the truth! And he will forgive me because he is so forgiving (: Love him. Anyway, I met Danny my Sophomore year, through some friends. From the moment I saw him, I always had a little bit of a crush on him. Yeah he was cute, funny but totally not my type. He was kinda a perve, you know those kinda boys and I was a really sweet innocent girl, still very active in the church. Boys! I guess is what you could call it! He was a young little boy. Heard some rumors of him in junior high. At the time we met he was dating a girl and I was sorta dating someone else. I have a point to all this, I promise. If you have read this far I give you props because I ramble and never really get to the point. I guess you could say I HATE paying attention. Ask Danny, I never listen, I am horrible! Anyway I remember this one night, the girl he was dating wasn't there and same for me. We were hungry and he had just gotten his license which I thought was so cool since my birthday wasn't til February. Well we were going to get something to eat, and he let me drive his car, sounds corny but I was happy.. even though Wendy's was right down the street. Well that night driving his car, I realized something about him. Everything I had heard was nothing but a lie. He was a sweet little boy that I (from one night) had already had this liking to. Yeah we talked a little before but this was the first night we really talked! And from there it escalated. We started hanging out more and more. He would give me rides home from school (: Cute little fairytale. Then we finally made it official. I remember the first time he had ever met my parents was at a Young Womens basketball game that I was playing in, He came and watched. My parents, well my mom thought he was cute. We were together for short 3 months. But those three months we were constantly together! I mean ALWAYS. and really that isn't normal for a 15 year old. But I thought it was the greatest thing. I am going to be a little vague here but Danny was the first boy I had ever.. Did the deed with and he was the last. Little did I know that then.. Not too much later we broke up a little before summer started. I thought I would never live without him, I soon learned that wasn't true. That summer we still had the same friends but for some reasons his friends weren't really friends to him anymore so he started making friends with different people, and lets just say these people weren't the ideal people I thought he would of ended up being close with. Nothing bad about these people, they were just different from everything I knew. But for some reason still, I loved this boy. He went down I guess you could say not really the right path but life is all about trying new things. He began to drink, smoke, doing some drugs. I knew then that wasn't the path I wanted to head..yet! Our Junior year we barely talked. I mean we would see each other often and say hi but that was strictly it. I still loved him. And it was weird because he was changing. When we would talk I knew this wasn't the Danny I was in love with.. It all happened Senior year, That was the first time I would start to drink. My best friend at the time, Kylee was sorta talking to Danny's best friend Mike. So me and Danny sorta started talking again. Little did we know that we were both still in love with each other. And we would try this many times before it finally worked. But it was always his friends, weed, or parties before me. And I knew that wasn't what I wanted. Back to standards.. I wanted the real Danny. The Danny that I fell in love with. The Danny that cared, appreciated, and made me first. This took Almost ALL senior year for him to realize, Which is fine because it was worth the wait. There was this one party that changed his and mine perspectives on life. His friends really weren't his friends.. He turned to me, and of course I would be there for him. He realized he was headed down the wrong path and that in 3 months I would be leaving Layton going to Dixie with all my friends. He knew he had little time to make things right, but he did it. Within that summer I knew he was finally starting to figure out what he wanted, and he was working hard at it. How could I leave him in a month? I couldn't, I didn't. Casey was pretty upset with me. But I just could not leave him. As much as I wanted to go with Case, I didn't. I think that was the best decision I ever made. Because if I would have gone, I wouldn't have him, I wouldn't have Sophie or Lucas. And those three are my world. I have standards and if he wouldn't of met them that one summer we would not be together today. I appreciate him and everything he has been through. I guess I forgave him, for everything. He put me through so much hell, always leading me on and making me believe he had changed. But it wasn't til he knew he would lose me for good. I am so thankful that things have worked out the way I prayed they would. I am truly happy. Now he has this great full time job with great pay and benefits. He has grown up more than anyone I know and in such short time. He is an amazing man that I have loved for years. Thank you baby for doing such great things. I can't wait to see what tomorrow brings!

Xoxox

There are moments in our lives when we find ourselves at crossroads, afraid, confused, without a road map. The choices we make in those moments can define the rest of our days. Of course when faced with the unknown, most of us prefer to turn around and go back.

Do you wonder how long it takes to change your life? What measure of time is enough to be life altering? Is it 4 years like high school? One year? Can your life change in a month, or a week, or a single day? We're always in a hurry to grow up, to go places, to get ahead. And when your young, one hour can change everything. -OTH

23

by Jimmy Eat World, is probably my favorite song.
Reminds me of One Tree Hill.

If you haven't heard this song before, you should.
It is amazing. It makes me think. Makes me remember that part of my life.
It's life, It's real.