One Month Down

I've been waiting to write this when it was "the right time" or when it got "easier" to but then I realized, this will never get any easier..

My Auntie is one of the greatest people I know. She shared with me her love for friends, relationships, animals, a good book, the ocean, cooking, picture taking, memory making, scrap booking, and a million other things that mattered. She loved to feel.

I always felt like her daughter. We look alike! We've gone through LOTS of the same things. We each have a high school sweetheart named Danny, we both had a form of Lymphoma 💚💜 we've been bald & gone through chemo around the same age. We have similarities.. We have always wanted a farm. We LOVE the ocean more than words. 🌊 Lance Bass is our favorite Nsync member. Quotes and sayings are life. Music is good for the soul. We always believed you're only as happy as you let yourself be. And only you are in charge of that happiness.

There are a few things I can no longer do without losing it completely. I can't listen to the song 'Senorita' by Shawn Mendes or 'Shallow' by Lady Gaga let alone watch the movie A Star Is Born. 'Fill Me In' by Craig David (that was our song) still stops my breath but is becoming more tolerable.

The happy things.. Charlie has your middle name and initials CJ! ❤ The movie "Shag" brings a smile to my face. Whenever I am at the beach, I think of you. That monarch butterfly is always you 🦋 I hope she knows how much I love her! I will forever cherish the memories I was so lucky to make with her. She will always be in my heart. And for the rest of my life I will search for moments of you.

The regrets I have are small and will leave with time.. The last picture I took on my phone was supposed to go to her but never got sent. I had the feeling to call that weekend, but forgot and didn't. I recently watched A Star Is Born, one of her favs, but never got to talk to her about it.

I think the message being, if you think of someone or miss them.. send the text, make the call, the email, the snap, the dm. Tell them. Because life is TOO short! ❤

Please zoom in to read & please share her freaking awesome obituary she wrote. YOU'RE MY HERO! 💚

One year

Today for some odd reason I felt like blogging. Lately it hasn't been something I've been needing or even wanting to do. I honestly don't even know how to blog anymore. I haven't been very open with the emotions I have been feeling, and I am not sure why. Maybe I am trying not to face them. I've been putting on a front and acting like everything is okay.
A year ago yesterday I found out I had Hodgkin's Lymphoma. It's a day I will never forget as much as I would like too. This year has flown by. Today I am happy and healthy. My hair is coming back curly which is crazy because it was so straight before. I am feeling great. One thing I think is really crazy is that half of this year was a complete blur. Going through chemotherapy is something I hardly remember. I chose to forget about it and never go back to that situation to feel the pain I was in then. My mind has done a terrific job forgetting about it totally. I am so happy for that.
I haven't been very thankful for everything I have and how truly lucky I am. I am working on trying to be a better person for myself and everyone I am close with. Sometimes I take things for granted. I want to start  appreciating the things that I have rather than wishing or hoping for more. To be honest I am one of the lucky ones. 

cancer sucks

One thing I dislike is revolving my life around chemotherapy. 

I have to plan things and get things done on the few days I feel good and I don't like it. Mostly because I exhaust myself trying to do the things I need to do. I mean I could try and do things on the days I don't feel good but I don't think I would get very much done. I am very happy that I have my good days, I wish I had a few more but as long as the chemotherapy is working I am the happiest girl alive. I would be devastated if it weren't. I consider myself so lucky. I am not sure how okay I would be if my doctor told me there was nothing they could do to treat my cancer. Or I could undergo chemo but there is a huge percentage that my body won't respond. I've been thinking about it a lot lately. I have been hearing stories, amazing stories about people who were told there was nothing they could do to fight off the cancer but they never lost hope. Even though all the odds were against them, they wanted to try chemo. They wanted to put up a fight. Most of them ended up living. It's crazy because it's really all about your mind set, your attitude. Instead of asking "why me?" ask yourself "why not me?" Once you lose hope, you could possibly lose your life. I am amazed by people. If I was told there was nothing they could do for my cancer I never thought I would undergo chemo. I wouldn't want to die sick and unhappy but hearing these stories gives me hope. They have changed my point of view on things and now there is no way I would ever give up. Even if I had to undergo things that would totally suck. You just never know what the outcome could be. Even with our technology, doctors never can tell. I just want a cure for cancer. I am so sick of hearing and seeing all the people with cancer. It's a horrible disease and I want nothing more than a cure. One day, I keep telling myself. One day soon.. Never lose hope.

xoxox

a miracle:

I have some amazing news.. there is no more Cancer in my spleen. No more Cancer in my neck. The mass in my chest has gone from a 12.3 to a 4.1. This is news I have been waiting for. Now I know, I understand why I have been going through all this yucky chemotherapy to get here! I need more good news like this all the time to get me through the rest of chemotherapy. I am so happy. I am so blessed. Thank you all for your prayers and positive thoughts, they are working! I learned something new today.. Never lose hope. Never. You will get to where you want to be.. It's all in your mind and hope will get you through it.

Hopefulness

I've worked up the courage to shave my head. Once I start to feel better, it's gone. This week, it's gone. I am not really sure how I have kept it so long. I am to the point where I don't even want to do my hair. I hardly want to take a shower because it's constantly falling out, everywhere. It's going to be a relieve once it's gone. I can hardly wait now that I have made up my mind. Chemotherapy number five has been, not a piece of cake. I can tell that each treatment is only going to get worse from here. I'm literally exhausted. I am constantly nauseous. That is what I hate the most. But I have some good news.. Thursday I have my petscan and Dr. Hansen is expecting the cancer to be totally gone. GONE! Back to normal. (: I hope he is right. I will still continue to do seven more chemotherapy's, to hopefully get rid of the cancer forever..

I hope. I pray.

I hope I only have to do this once. Please please! Once is enough, right. I'm ready to get back to my normal life. I can't wait to wake up healthy again. Normal. It's exciting to think about. Something I always used to take for granted; my health. I would wake up and complain about something I had to do that day but why? I should be waking up thankful to be alive. To be healthy. I've learned my lesson. I can't wait to wake up healthy.

xoxox

Day 6: Something you hope you never have to do.

I hope I never have to bury my kids.

I hope I never have to go through something paralyzing.

I hope I never have to live a day without Danny.

I hope I never have to go through a divorce.

I hope I never become unhappy.

Day 5: Something you hope to do in your life.

There are so many things I hope to do in my life. Get married. Find a career I enjoy. Buy a house. Travel. etc. But I have a number one. Something that is a must do. I hope one day I am lucky enough to be a mom. It's my dream. Always has been and always will be. I've always had what I call, "baby fever." I see babies and I am in awe. I am so jealous of all the mom's out there. They are truly blessed. I just think that a baby is so pure. It's a piece of me that I get to watch grow. I get to face every decision with that baby. It will drastically change my life, but I think it will change it in such a positive way. I can't wait until further in my life when I get this opportunity. I can't wait to witness a true miracle.

I'm heaven sent, don't you dare forget.

Everything starts tomorrow.. I feel like tomorrow I will start a new life. A different life. I am not quite sure how different it's going to be. I hope it is a life I love and admire, which I am sure it will be. I hope on the days I am not feeling my best I remember how lucky and strong I am. I hope I can stay positive and happy through the hard times. The last thing I want is to be upset, sad, and angry. I know I will have my good and bad days. But on those bad days, no matter what, I need to stay positive. I can't let this get the best of me. That is how I will lose this battle. I can't wait to overcome this disease. I can't wait to hear the doctor's say, "You've beat this! You have overcome this! You are healthy!" One day I hope to hear this amazing news! My life has changed so drastically this past month I can hardly believe it. I am lucky to have found out sooner rather than later. Being so young you'd think I'd be weak. But that isn't the case. Maybe it's my attitude toward all of this news, i'm not sure. I am just thankful to be happy and loved. Everyday there is at least one thing to smile about. I have a million things to smile about! That is what I will remember. I'm ready for tomorrow and anything else that heads my way.. Bring it on!