let it out.

You know what is hard? Feeling.

It is been months since I felt like me. Looking back now I don't even remember what it is like to even be myself, my true self, the person I long for yet hardly know.

I keep looking for signs to point me to where I need to go.
They have yet to find me.

Ever since I can remember I have ALWAYS been inside my head. The only feelings I ever show to the world are happy ones. Positive ones. On the outside I seem to have it all figured out, I am happy, and I hide every other feeling inside.. WHY?! Why why why! Your guess is as good as mine. If you for some reason know why this to be true, please enlighten me!

I am going to get real deep here so bare with me.
I came across this quote today and it hit me. This is me.

"Sometimes you can get so busy being everyone else's anchor 

that you don't realize you are actually drowning."

Why do I always feel like I need to help everyone else but myself? Seriously. Since becoming a mom and wife, I have lost my total identity. Now please don't think that I hate being both of those things because I don't. I absolutely love it. It isn't even fair that I have to make that a point but for some reason I feel like I need to clarify that. I love my family more than anything and if it wasn't for them, I would be even more lost than I am now. 

I have heard that showing your emotions is a sign of strength so how can I get myself there? How can I teach myself this? I am almost 27 years old. I have been living this way my whole life. Old habits die hard. 

My soul is deep. I feel a million different emotions all at once. Most of the time they are un-explainable. Deep down I feel like I have this purpose but I can't put a finger on what that purpose is. And because I have no idea what my purpose is, I question everything about myself and situation. 

Why this ..

Why that.. 

What if..

I think that is my anxiety talking. I have learned to deal with my anxiety all my life until recently. It has gotten so bad that I don't even want to leave the house. All the what if's.. This is no way to live. I feel for everyone who has been here or struggled with any kind of mental illness. 

I come to this blog when I am struggling the most in life. Once I let this all out I feel like I can breathe again. As if I have been holding my breath this whole time.

Love Always,

Kristin 

Do you ever..

Just drive with the intentions of going nowhere. It's sorta like I am trying to escape reality, but in reality, there is no where to go other than back.
Also, whenever I am driving, I am always wondering where everyone is going. Sometimes I will look at people and cars and try to guess where they are headed.

Love Always, Kristin

Back to reality

My life is finally back to normal. Well almost. I will back on the schedule at Boston's in a few weeks. I am really excited to get back to the real world and making money. I went in there yesterday and I was so happy to see my coworkers and my managers. I have missed them so much. I can't believe I am finally done with chemo and that it's been 6 months already. Time really does fly. 
One reason I haven't been posting on here as recently is because I have started a new blog. I needed a clean slate. A fresh start. So if you would like to follow my other blog, contact me with your email and I would be happy to include you in my new blog. (Most of you) (: 

Tomorrow Danny and I are having some friends over and I am really excited. It's going to be a lot of fun catching up and just having a good time. I have a lot to do before then. Hopefully I can get everything done in time.

I am taking a break from FB and Twitter. I get too caught up in others lives when I need to get caught up in my own more. I really just want to delete it but I know that in the future I will probably want it back to keep in touch with family and friends that I no longer get to see. That is the main reason I don't. 

Next week we are finally going to finish painting the house. I am so excited. It's going to look SO MUCH BETTER then how it is now. Everything is all white and wallpapered. It's a bore. There are a lot of things we need to get for this house and I can't help but be in a hurry to get it all. Too bad money doesn't grow on trees.

The end of April I am going on a remission trip with Danny. Just to St. George to his mom's condo but it will still be so much fun. Funny thing is, that is where I went right before I found out I had cancer. Kinda weird and brings back a lot of memories. 

Other than that I am happy and healthy, I think. I have my petscan next Thursday. Once those results come back I will know whether or not I am in remission. But for some reason I can't help but think I am. I feel great. Better than ever. I can't wait to hear that good news I've been waiting to hear for 6 months now. I will go crazy until then.

Thanks for reading.

Love always, Kristin