To say I am struggling..

would be an understatement.
I don't even know where to begin. 2019 has been the worst year of my life.
The main reasons are losing the ones I love the most.
I have been very fortunate for 28 years to not have to deal with any deaths.
I am not only grieving their loss, but the loss of myself.
I feel like a piece of me has gone with them.

I feel lost. numb. broken. alone. scared. out of control.
Every negative emotion you can think of, I feel it.
Daily lately.

Now I have always struggled with depression, but over the years I have learned how to shake it.
To feel it and then release myself from it. But this year, it has been different.

I have no complaints in my little families life. My girls are thriving. Danny and I are as good as we can be (it is my fault we are not, because of what I am going through.) We just bought a house in sunny Florida. No surgeries in sight. So what is the problem?

I wish I knew the answer.

Tomorrow I will be calling to set up an appointment with a therapist. I should have done this sooner. But I thought I would be able to get myself out of this rut I am in. But it is easier said than done. And I can't. And that is okay.

Love Always,
Kristin

One Month Down

I've been waiting to write this when it was "the right time" or when it got "easier" to but then I realized, this will never get any easier..

My Auntie is one of the greatest people I know. She shared with me her love for friends, relationships, animals, a good book, the ocean, cooking, picture taking, memory making, scrap booking, and a million other things that mattered. She loved to feel.

I always felt like her daughter. We look alike! We've gone through LOTS of the same things. We each have a high school sweetheart named Danny, we both had a form of Lymphoma 💚💜 we've been bald & gone through chemo around the same age. We have similarities.. We have always wanted a farm. We LOVE the ocean more than words. 🌊 Lance Bass is our favorite Nsync member. Quotes and sayings are life. Music is good for the soul. We always believed you're only as happy as you let yourself be. And only you are in charge of that happiness.

There are a few things I can no longer do without losing it completely. I can't listen to the song 'Senorita' by Shawn Mendes or 'Shallow' by Lady Gaga let alone watch the movie A Star Is Born. 'Fill Me In' by Craig David (that was our song) still stops my breath but is becoming more tolerable.

The happy things.. Charlie has your middle name and initials CJ! ❤ The movie "Shag" brings a smile to my face. Whenever I am at the beach, I think of you. That monarch butterfly is always you 🦋 I hope she knows how much I love her! I will forever cherish the memories I was so lucky to make with her. She will always be in my heart. And for the rest of my life I will search for moments of you.

The regrets I have are small and will leave with time.. The last picture I took on my phone was supposed to go to her but never got sent. I had the feeling to call that weekend, but forgot and didn't. I recently watched A Star Is Born, one of her favs, but never got to talk to her about it.

I think the message being, if you think of someone or miss them.. send the text, make the call, the email, the snap, the dm. Tell them. Because life is TOO short! ❤

Please zoom in to read & please share her freaking awesome obituary she wrote. YOU'RE MY HERO! 💚

I've struggled

every day since July 10th 2019. 

Grieving my Auntie has been the hardest thing I have ever done.

and I have been through A LOT in 28 years!

She is 20 years older than me. She lived 48 years. She is so young and full of life.
She was trapped in a broken body. I can't help but wonder where she is now.

I still feel her. It's my worst nightmare now a reality.
Moving away my biggest fear was something happening to her.

I have a few regrets that I am dealing with. I know she holds none of these against me so why do I do this to myself? Have regrets? I remember thinking one day I wanted to call her, I didn't. The next day I took a photo I meant to send her, I never sent it.

One thing I am not good about and I am now working on 28 years too late is communication. I thought of Auntie every day. I hope she knows. I love her more than words. I hope she knows.

I think one of the hardest things is knowing my girls will not really remember her
like I will. They point her out in pictures and I know they remember her now. I wish they could have experienced the Auntie she truly was. She has so many lessons.

She is like my mother. She knew her place well as an Aunt though. Never over stepping but always being there no matter what.

I feel as though she lives on through me. Getting back to my happy place has been easier said than done and for that I am still struggling.

RIP Auntie<3 p="">

Day 4: Something you have to forgive someone for.

I've found this question a lot easier then the last. I think it's mostly because there is one thing in particular that sticks out in my brain. It's about Danny in general. Our relationship hasn't always been healthy. Some people get lucky and their relationships just work. Ours was nothing close to perfect. There were times when I thought we wouldn't make it. Times I didn't think Danny was "the one." Anyway.. Roughly a year and a half ago it wasn't an easy decision to take Danny back, in fact he had to fight for me, day in and day out. This wasn't easy mainly because he had hurt me. Hurt me like no one else has before. I cried a river over that boy. I felt betrayed and broken. He had done some things in his life that I never thought I could forgive him for. Things I will not share to the world about for his sake and mine if he is ever to read this post. But somehow along this crazy relationship of ours, I forgave him. It took some time and some determination but I did it. And I can honestly say that once I did, I was so much happier. I still am to this day. When I look back at the situation I am not sad or upset by it anymore.

I guess it's the power of forgiveness.

What a wonderful feeling it is to forgive.

Here it is 3am and I must say I am exhausted.

Not sure how my body is allowing me to still be up.

It must be because my mind can't and will not sleep.

I wanted to do my day 4 of 30 days of truth right now

because I have a busy day ahead of me tomorrow.

My blog is finally flawless.

I have been very indecisive with it lately and I now

have a piece of mind now that it is exactly what I want.

xoxox

adoption day..

is probably one of my favorite days, and one of the days I absolutely hate. Why you ask? Because, I feel like I could give every one of those pets the best home ever, and it's disappointing that I can't. If I could I would take every single one of those pets home. Seeing them in those little cages all day makes me want to cry. They do not deserve that kind of life. It's ignorant people that I hate. People that breed their animals and people that do not fix their pets. Yeah it is expensive but it is so worth it. Homeless animals are starting to be such an issue today and it is only getting worse. Of course I would love to breed my chihuahuas but I am not selfish, there are so many great animals in need of a home today. People don't need to keep breeding. Both of my chihuahua's are fixed. It was a simple choice for me to make. I didn't want to be a reason so many animals are put down a day because no one will give them a home because there are too many of them. There are too many strays in this world and I wish more people thought this way, maybe we could put an end to this. Adoption first. Animals don't have a voice. So we need to speak for them.

I need some sort of job dealing with this kinda stuff, I think I would be so happy doing something like that. Saving lives for the animals that deserve it. <3