One Month Down

I've been waiting to write this when it was "the right time" or when it got "easier" to but then I realized, this will never get any easier..

My Auntie is one of the greatest people I know. She shared with me her love for friends, relationships, animals, a good book, the ocean, cooking, picture taking, memory making, scrap booking, and a million other things that mattered. She loved to feel.

I always felt like her daughter. We look alike! We've gone through LOTS of the same things. We each have a high school sweetheart named Danny, we both had a form of Lymphoma 💚💜 we've been bald & gone through chemo around the same age. We have similarities.. We have always wanted a farm. We LOVE the ocean more than words. 🌊 Lance Bass is our favorite Nsync member. Quotes and sayings are life. Music is good for the soul. We always believed you're only as happy as you let yourself be. And only you are in charge of that happiness.

There are a few things I can no longer do without losing it completely. I can't listen to the song 'Senorita' by Shawn Mendes or 'Shallow' by Lady Gaga let alone watch the movie A Star Is Born. 'Fill Me In' by Craig David (that was our song) still stops my breath but is becoming more tolerable.

The happy things.. Charlie has your middle name and initials CJ! ❤ The movie "Shag" brings a smile to my face. Whenever I am at the beach, I think of you. That monarch butterfly is always you 🦋 I hope she knows how much I love her! I will forever cherish the memories I was so lucky to make with her. She will always be in my heart. And for the rest of my life I will search for moments of you.

The regrets I have are small and will leave with time.. The last picture I took on my phone was supposed to go to her but never got sent. I had the feeling to call that weekend, but forgot and didn't. I recently watched A Star Is Born, one of her favs, but never got to talk to her about it.

I think the message being, if you think of someone or miss them.. send the text, make the call, the email, the snap, the dm. Tell them. Because life is TOO short! ❤

Please zoom in to read & please share her freaking awesome obituary she wrote. YOU'RE MY HERO! 💚

Lately

I am doing really good. I am feeling good. I am totally happy. And for once I am feeling healthy. As healthy as a cancer patient can be. I have lots I need to catch you up on. I've been so busy packing and shopping around for things we need for the house that I have once again been neglecting my blog. Oops.
Like B Davis would say,

"Someone once said, 

It's the good girls who keep diaries. 

The bad girls never have the time. 

Me, I just want to live a life I'm gonna remember. 

Even if I don't write it down."

One of my favorite quotes! Packing is coming along great. I never really knew how much crap we really had in this tiny apartment. I thought it was going to be a lot easier than it really is. I haven't had much help, not even from Danny because he has been working all week. So I do what I can and he lifts everything because I am so weak. :/ It's been good for me to be doing something other than just sitting around or even sleeping. I am so happy that I have had a long feel good week. It seems like chemo is getting a lot easier. Knock on wood. I am down for five days at the most and then I am feeling okay for the rest of the time. I have noticed that I am a lot more tired than I've ever been. After a long day of packing and moving I am so ready for bed that I have no trouble falling asleep. Now I know what it's like to be exhausted and to sleep well. In a month I will be in remission forever. I can't wait. I am so close I almost can't believe it. Just yesterday it feels like I was sitting in the clinic with my grandma finding out that there was something in the xray. Now I am 3 away from my new life! I am so happy. Last night I got to see Emilie and Cody. I was so happy to see them. My mom does glitter toes so they came and got their's done. They turned out really cute. We got to talk about things. I don't know much about them even though we graduated together and it makes me sad that we weren't friends in high school. But at least now we can be. Pretty soon I hope to start having bachelor parties on Monday night. I also want to throw a little house warming party once I am all moved in. I think that would be fun. I will definitely be throwing a cancer free party! That is what I am most excited for. I think I am ready to start working again. Once I am through with chemo I can't wait to get back in the routine of working. I am mostly excited because the money I make will be mine. And not spent on bills or dumb things like that. Now I can buy things for myself and the house. It's exciting. I owe a huge thank you to Kendra. Lately she is who I go to when I am in need of some reassurance. Mainly because we are so much alike. She definitely knows what to say and when. I love that. It's crazy because we were once enemies, but we were also dumb immature high schoolers. I am so happy that we were able to put the past aside and start fresh. It's a big breath of fresh air to be able to do that with others. I have been juggling between Clearfield and Ogden lately and let me just say that I absolutely love Ogden. I never thought I could actually see myself ever living there but now I don't want to leave. It's so close to everything. It's city life but not too much city like Salt Lake. I've come to the mind set that cancer won't be back anytime soon. And if it somehow does come back, I will kick butt just like I have in the past. I am tired of living in fear. I want to be happy in mind and body. The only way I can truly be that is to take a breath and not worry what the future will bring. I am not there yet. I am here. So I am going to be blissful when I am healthy, also blissful when I am not. I hope that I can keep my mind in a peaceful place. It's work but it's worth working on. I hope to be back to blogging at least once a day once I am done packing and moving and we are stable at our new place. I've missed it. Thanks for listening. Have a great weekend!

People like you keep me going.

Emilie thank you for taking the time to read my blog and to write something on yours about me, I loved it. It's people like this that keep me going. Keep me happy. I can't thank you enough. xoxox

"I feel like I blog too much.  I have kind of replaced my journal with my blog.  But that's ok because I love it.  And right now I have something to say.  Have you ever met someone who could of taken the words straight out of your mouth?  Because you are that much alike?  Let me tell you what, I thought I knew what this felt like, until I started learning who Kristin is.  It BLOWS my mind how much alike we are.  Not only as people, but with our relationships.  Reading her blog post just now is exactly how I feel.  I am not exaggerating in the slightest.  Our relationships are so similar, yet I know they are very different.  Me and Erick are just like her and Danny.  We are SO different.  I stress so easily, and he is so laid-back.  I cry all the time and he hardly cries at all.  Reading this post (and I really hope Kristin doesn't mind me putting this on hers) I am real sorry if you do, but reading this post hit me like a ton of bricks.  Kristin: I don't think you even understand how much I feel your pain/happiness. I am so happy that I read your post and that I have someone that can relate to me so much. Erick is just like Danny where I can pour my heart out and he has that reaction, but it doesn't change the fact that he is my best friend and my other half.  I love that I/we are not the only ones that have gone through things and have moments of questioning our relationship only to realize what we would give up is far greater that what we would gain from breaking up.  
I need to play with Kristin! She could be my twin, freckles, weight loss and all.  She truly inspires me and I hope the best for her.  (:"

Memories.

I came across some pictures today that made me feel every emotion. I'm posting them here because I never want to forget these moments in my life. I've lost lots of pictures by having computers crash on me so if I put them on here, I will never lose them. (:

 

My blog friends

Day 14 - A post about a few of my blog friends.

Porschea, Kendra, Emilie, Lindsay, Kylee;

"Blog Friends" I would consider these lovely ladies people that I adore and admire. I may not see them that much or hang out with them but I feel like I do. I feel like to a certain extent I know and understand them. They are very special people to me. I am so happy they blog because I love reading what they write. I look forward to it. They are very inspiring and I look up to them.  I hope they continue blogging because I am sure I am not the only one who feels this way. I love you girls (:

Day 04 - My friends. A post about a few of my good friends.

Right now I wouldn't consider myself a good friend, this is something I hate and need to work on. (It's a work in progress, I swear.) Lately I find myself more worried about me than anyone. But to be honest I think this is something I need to get better, to get healthy. Then I can worry about others more than I am now. But I do have a few people that I will always consider my "true friends."

Casey Olney, I remember her first day of school in 7th grade. Everyone thought she was a little "different" but she was from another country of course she did things differently. We made friends easily. We used to switch cell phones because we thought one another was cooler. We weren't that close until high school. We had a lot of the same problems. I think that is why we were such good friends. We could relate to one another easily. Our friendship never ended and i hope it never will. I love you Case and soon we will be the best of friends again.

Hannah Smith, She was the first friend I made when I moved to Utah. She was my next door neighbor. I think that is the best kind of friend to have. We did everything together. We were in love with animals. We shared two hamsters. Whenever we got money we bought some kind of cage for our animals that we caught. I loved sneaking out to Walgreen's late at night. I always hated the one year difference but we somehow always stayed close and always will. 

Kylee Koning, I met her through Hannah. I always disliked her because when you were little, you always had to fight for a best friend. And Hannah was in the middle but once I got to know Ky we always had so much fun. POSI. Is what me, han, and ky were. We always had fun doing nothing. I loved that about our friendship. Ky and I were obsessed with laying out in the summertime. Or going to pineview. I hope we have more of those days to come. I love you miss K. Koning!

Day 9: Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.

I strongly believe that people who aren't in your life anymore, aren't there for a reason. But then there are the people who are still in your life, just not as much as they used to be. But they will always be a big part in who you are today. That is how I feel. I have a few really good friends that I hardly talk to anymore. We've all grown up and have busy lives. I know no matter what we will always be close. I just wish I kept more in touch with them. I don't really have anyone I have lost for good. But Casey, Britny, Cierra, Hannah, and Kylee are those friends I wish I hung out with more. I love and miss you all so much.

I just got home from chemotherapy.

The chemo brain is back. I am surprised I am even blogging.

I am just a little tired and worn down. Nap time!

My grandpa made fudge to share with everyone at chemo today.

Everyone absolutely loved it.

I am happy.

I am blessed.

I am thankful.

Xoxox

snow pile+melinda=no bueno

One day, Junior year, Britny and I were on our way back to school after sign language.

We were bored and noticed this snow pile..

"Try to go over it!" -Britny

"If this was your car, would you go over it?" -Kristin

"YES!" -Britny

"Okay!" -Kristin

We get going full speed try to go over the snow pile.. doesn't work.

So I put it in reverse.. doesn't budge.

"RING!" (school's out!)

People start driving by..

"Let's lay our seats back so no one knows it's us" -Kristin

Hahahahha

No one could push it out, not even with everyone that helped out!

Lexa's mom luckily had a rope we attached and she pulled Melinda out with her car.

I wanted to blog about this hilarious story because it's something

I always want to remember. I loved high school!

There's a first time for everything.

Today was my first surgery. Although I was a little nervous and scared.. I was excited at the same time. Excited to get it over with and move on to the next thing. Everything was very smooth, from what I can remember. (: I am all bandaged up. Which I like because I am not so sure I want to see where they operated. I guess tomorrow I will see how I react. I am starting to get a little more sore then I was today right after surgery but I know soon it will start to feel better. Not sure but I think my body does not like the pain medications they give me. Loratabs make me sick and Percasets aren't helping with the pain either. I took two and still nothing. Which kinda sucks. Hopefully the pain won't last too long! I have a few more tests coming this week. Xrays and what not. Pretty much I am still waiting for the news on what is going on in my body. I am hoping I know what is going on by the end of next week. I am very anxious to start my treatment.

I have the biggest support system! I love it. My mom, dad, grandma, aunt, and danny all went with me this morning really early. Almost too early. I am so not a morning person. And cute Hannah stopped by while I was in pre-op to see me. She is so cute. She is still the same Hannah that grew up right next door to me. I love and miss her. It was good seeing her. Everyone was really supportive today. I am so thankful.

Tomorrow I have nothing to do and I am excited to lay in bed all day with my babies! Just what I need to recover (:

good to be home

St George I must say was a pretty good time. I seriously love it there. Love the weather, the rocks, the sunshine. Love everything about it. The condo was really nice. Great view. I had a great time. but I must say that I am really happy to be home. I missed my babies, my bed, my apartment. I missed being home.

So a little about my trip.. the first night we got there we got there super late. the next morning we went to breakfast then had to go grocery shopping. Went back to the condo and relaxed, laid by the pool, had a few beers. The next day we went on a hike and I realized how out of shape I am. Blah. Sucks that I now have to start my diet! So I have an embarrassing story that I am going to share with you all. (Well to whoever reads my blog) You know when you are watching AFV and you see people running into sliding glass doors and your like, how are people so stupid that they can run into that. I mean you have to be really dumb.. Well that happened to me. I hit that door hard and I mean hard. I got a fat lip, a bruised nose, and my first bloody nose. Yeah I have never had a bloody nose until I hit that door. Ha it was hilarious. Danny and Dave didn't know what to do. They were trying hard not to laugh cause they felt bad. Pretty funny. My nose still hurts.

I need to get back to cleaning (: ttyl

Leaving for St. George in an hour or so.. So I am going to hurry and blog my thoughts before I leave and forget them. I have been really busy this week and I haven't been giving my blog the attention it deserves!

Yes, St George until Tuesday.. SO EXCITED! But.. my babies, I miss them already. I dropped them off at my aunts this morning pretty early and I am already missing them. My chihuahuas are probably the most annoying, troubled dogs. (Not so much Soph) Luke is crazy, but I wouldn't have it any other way. I have never left my dogs this long before. Which may sound dumb because they are just dogs. But to me they aren't. They are my life. I love them and I am going to miss them :( I know my family will take such good care of them, although I am not sure how they are going to act since I have never left them before.. guess we will see.

So lately I have been wondering if everyone has a hard time keeping the house clean.. because me and Danny have that problem. We can never keep it clean. It is just little things too. It is so annoying! Every time after we clean we are always like, "Okay now this time we are seriously cleaning up after ourselves." we always agree.. and bam, it's a freakin mess again! :( its sorta frustrating! Not sure what to do about this situation.

Oh and I am a little upset that I will be missing Jersey Shore tonight! Hmm

Good karma is what I have. Hate to brag but I got it. Lately I have been doing people so many freakin favors it's unreal. But I am too nice to say no. Ha so I do them and feel good about it after. Also I am the kinda girl who lets the spider out instead of killing it. Ya know. Danny is deathly afraid and always wants to kill them, so i have to go get the cup and let it go outside. I am not afraid of something that I am a million times bigger than.. Hello! Also I think that since I am so in love with my life, shouldn't a spider be too? Some people don't care and will just kill the thing. But nope, not me. (I have good karma when it comes to this too) If giants ever take over this earth and have the chance to step on me, they will think twice about doing it and won't because I never did it to those poor spiders! (: Ha random post..

Well I think that instead of blogging I should be packing! So I hope you all have a wonderful weekend. Be safe. Be smart. But have fun (:

Day three: no meat! (:

We even went to Subway last night and I got the Veggie Delite. It was amazing (: I am proud of myself although this is a lot harder than I thought it would be. Except I find it rude.. Danny! That you aren't so supportive, and you think that I cannot do it.. But I am going to prove you wrong. You'll see.

Danny passed his Comcast test today! I am so proud of him! Now instead of working in that call center he will be out in the field. He is going to love it. Funny how him, his brother, his brother in law, and my uncle all work there. It is a small world.

Tonight is Travis' wedding reception! I am excited to see him and his new wife. And everyone else. I LOVE weddings! They are so romantic and perfect. And out of all the days this is one that makes us all believe in love again. It's crazy how everyone is getting married.. people with babies! I think they are truly blessed and lucky. Everything happens for a reason. I am so jealous of them. One day I keep telling myself, don't rush it. Don't wish your life away.

mad women?

Yeah today I cleaned like a mad women. I don't think I have ever cleaned anything so good before. I am very satisfied. Our apartment was hecka dirty, glad I got the cleaning over with.

Danny is going camping this weekend and I do not know what I am going to do without him. Well I have to work all weekend so I guess that is something I will do..

Dessert night at Corina's was a success, It was exactly what I needed. I love all those girls so much. Glad they are apart of my life.

Pandora is amazing! I hear all these songs I totally forgot about. And I love all of them.

My chihuahua's are a freaking piece of work. But I love them and I wouldn't have it any other way. They keep me sane.

P.S. sorry this post is such a mess, this is how my head works (: Ha!


Xoxox

Today already feels like a good day. Happy it just started. 311 in a few days, pretty excited for that. Good night at work last night. Had fun hanging out with Dave, Mistie, and my baby! (: I am in love with summertime! Thanks for keeping me busy!

Danny spoils me, and I love it. :)
Can't wait for this weekend and the next.
Ian's party and my birffday :) MmmHmm

LovinLife.