To say I am struggling..

would be an understatement.
I don't even know where to begin. 2019 has been the worst year of my life.
The main reasons are losing the ones I love the most.
I have been very fortunate for 28 years to not have to deal with any deaths.
I am not only grieving their loss, but the loss of myself.
I feel like a piece of me has gone with them.

I feel lost. numb. broken. alone. scared. out of control.
Every negative emotion you can think of, I feel it.
Daily lately.

Now I have always struggled with depression, but over the years I have learned how to shake it.
To feel it and then release myself from it. But this year, it has been different.

I have no complaints in my little families life. My girls are thriving. Danny and I are as good as we can be (it is my fault we are not, because of what I am going through.) We just bought a house in sunny Florida. No surgeries in sight. So what is the problem?

I wish I knew the answer.

Tomorrow I will be calling to set up an appointment with a therapist. I should have done this sooner. But I thought I would be able to get myself out of this rut I am in. But it is easier said than done. And I can't. And that is okay.

Love Always,
Kristin

You get what you give

Watching all the stories and what's going on with Japan I've realized so many things. One big thing is that materialistic things don't matter. None of it. In a flash it could all be gone. But what you will have are relationships. Relationships with people. Friendships. Love. To me, love is the only thing that matters. Watching everyones belongings and cars being taken away is heartbreaking. It's hard to watch. But we can all take something from this experience and it's that materialistic things don't matter. Lets put more effort into our relationships. I dislike money being such a huge part of peoples lives. I get that money is necessary to live but something I strongly believe in, is it's better to give and give and give then get and get and get. Getting is great but giving is even better. I sometimes selfishly only think of myself but why, there are so many others to care and think about. I'm not as important as I sometimes think. I want to become more selfless. I know I am in some ways because Danny tells me all the time but I want to do more things for other people. I find enjoyment in that.

Love always, Kristin

Day 16: Someone or something you definitely could live without.

Negativity

Gaining Weight

Hatred

Abuse is all it's forms.

Sadness

Celebrity Gossip

Lies

Illnesses

Headaches

Tragedies

Nausea

Drugs

War

Mosquitoes

Cancer

Just to name a few..

Some of these I think make us who we are and teach us very valuable lessons.

Such as being sick, we wouldn't be as grateful for our healthy days.

Gaining weight, gives us the motivation to eat healthy and exercise.

I think sadness in a way is beautiful, if there was no such thing we wouldn't have any emotion.

Tragedies, make us all come together.

Cancer has changed my life, for the better. I have a new outlook on life.

I am truly grateful for the things that make me feel emotions.

Without these things, I'd be numb. I wouldn't feel.

xoxox

surreal

Have you ever felt like what was happening to you during a moment was fake, like a dream, a nightmare. It felt as though it wasn't real. I have had a few of those moments in my life. I had another one today..

Danny, I, Luke, and Soph were on our way to my aunt and uncle's house for dinner with the fam. Ready for a good night, I was excited to see everyone and we were having tacos! Mmm absolutely love tacos. Anyway on our way there the dogs were in my lap, Danny was driving. I roll the window down so my babies can stick their cute little heads out the window because that is something they love and I spoil the shit out of them. We were just about to go on the overpass on Antelope Drive when I watched my sweet little Lukey jump out of the window of our moving car.. I was silent for a second.. Almost like I couldn't speak. Finally I yell to Danny, "Luke jumped out the window!!" Danny pulls the car over, gets out to chase him down. I am still in the car in shock. I turn around and look behind me.. I see Luke running down Antelope in the midst of traffic. I roll up my window so Soph doesn't do the same thing and I start running down the street. It was unreal. A feeling I can't describe. I am running through traffic like I am invisible. I don't care about anything else in the world but my Luke. The car behind us stopped and tried grabbing him but Luke was so scared he kept on running. Running towards oncoming traffic. As I am running to catch up to Danny I am feeling all these emotions. Trying not to cry, thanking everyone behind us that stopped, running to get my baby. It was almost like my life flashed before my eyes. Losing Luke I just couldn't handle right now. Luckily somehow someway Luke stopped himself from running into the oncoming traffic. He wound up under some ladies car that was thankfully stopped. He was so scared and shaking when Danny finally got a hold of him. I was so relieved but still so in shock at the same time. I am so thankful! So thankful that everyone who was behind us stopped. I am so thankful that he didn't run into the oncoming traffic. I am so thankful for everyone who tried and helped. And I am so thankful for Danny who picked my poor baby up! Sooo thankful. I now have learned my lesson to NEVER let them stick their heads out the car window again. After that incident we made it to dinner perfectly safe. But once I told my family what happened. I was a complete wreck. I bawled because I was still so scared. Scared of losing him. I love you Luke! Never do that to me again!

curiosity kills the cat

This is a true saying. And I have a question for all you.. When are people going to learn? Most of you may be mad at me for writing this blog and for how honest I am going to be, but that is your problem not mine. This is my opinion. My blog. If you don't like it, don't read it. Lately I have been wondering why young people these days are so into drugs. And I mean hardcore drugs. It seems each year younger and younger teens are so curious about this. Which is fine because I was dumb once. I have been there. I tried a drug once. Curiosity is normal. We all are curious about things. But usually the things we are curious about aren't good for us in any way. I strongly believe in trying new things. But if you are trying something that is harmful to your body, be aware that good things probably will not come of it. Trying something once is fine, that is you being curious. But more than once, you are just being stupid. Because once you have tried it, the next time you will most likely do more.. Instead of taking one pill, I am going to take two this time. Think twice before you act because honestly, is it really worth it? We live once. If you don't wake up the next day, would you be happy with the decision you made the night before? I highly doubt it. Death is a sad, scary thing that happens all over the world everyday. But doing drugs, driving drunk, being dumb, is not the way I want to go. In my mind. It isn't worth it. I have a little story that I am going to share about my experience with drugs. My senior year I went to a little rave called get freaky. I am sure you all know about raves and how dumb they really are. I went because I was curious. wanted to see what they were all about. So me and Tyler got tickets. It was both of our first time going to a rave. We were both really scared and excited. But I was more scared ha well when we arrived, I was just looking around at all these skank gross people dancing, (this was before I took my pill) I remember just looking around and being like, I do not want to stay here all night. Tyler took her ecstasy pill and I did the same. A few minutes later it started to kick in. Never doing this before made me really nervous. I always think the worst of things, thought I was gonna die, you know. Wasn't sure if I was making the right decision but it was too late to go back. Once it kicked in, I felt good. I liked it. The music was amazing, I was constantly dancing. and I love to dance. Later that night when it was over, I ended up going home with you know who.. Danny ha figures. We weren't together at the time. But I wouldn't of wanted to go home with anyone else but him. He always makes sure I am safe. I love that feeling, knowing I am safe. We made it home okay. Went to bed because we were exhausted. I remember waking up the next day feeling so shitty. Like a really bad hangover. It sucked. But I remember telling Danny that I loved it so much and that I was going to every single rave. He looked at me and said no, you can't. It is not good for you. At this time I wasn't listening. I didn't care. A month later the next rave was coming up, I bought my ticket. But once it started getting closer I just didn't want to go anymore. I knew how stupid I would be if I went again. I told myself, only once I would go. So I sold my ticket. best thing I ever did. I still wanted to go because Danny was going but I didn't. I look back at this now and I am so proud of myself. We think we are invincible. Once we do something we think that if we do it again nothing will happen. Well that isn't true. A few years ago I remember someone close to me dying from an overdose. I see how many lives it affected. How much it affected me. Still people never learn.

I just feel sad about this topic. Because if people were more educated on harmful drugs, maybe they could be saved. It is a shame so many people die this way. I just wish people would realize how valuable life really is. One bad decision. You could be gone, forever<3

In one day..

5,388 youths are arrested
4,219 teenagers get an STD
3,610 teens are assaulted
80 teens are raped
2,861 teens drop out of school
1,377 teenagers become mothers
1,106 teenage girls get an abortion
1,000 adolescents begin drinking alcohol
500 adolescents begin using drugs
420 children are arrested for drug use
6 teens commit suicide ...