Day 15: Something or someone you couldn’t live without.

I don't want to live without my family, Danny, Sophie, and Luke.

Could I? Yes, but I choose not too. (:

Xoxox

3 down, 13 to go..

I had my 3rd chemo treatment Thursday. It was nice seeing all my chemo friends. They are always so sweet and ask how I am doing. There was a new guy in there who had Hodgkin's Lymphoma 10 years ago and now he has Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma. That scared me. For his and my sake. Maybe I am getting a little ahead of myself but I can't help it. I hope and pray I only have to do this once. I am feeling a little angry today. Not because I have to go through this, but because so many people have to. It's not fair in my mind. It's unreal. I wish there were something I could do. I wish I could fight everyone's cancer for them. I know I am strong and I don't think it's fair so many people have to go through this yucky feeling. I admire everyone and their strength. Before this, I never really knew anything about Cancer. I knew my aunt went through it at 21 but to truly understand what she went through, I am going through. That is in my mind the only way anyone could ever possibly know how it feels. I also feel lucky to have this experience. I never knew I could be so strong.

Every muscle in my body is sore. The worst is my throat. It's so sore that I can't swallow. The only craving I have is for sushi. Shrimp was the new craving today. Not sure why. I wonder if other cancer patients crave certain things. I have a hard time sleeping at night. Last night I was up at 3am and couldn't fall asleep until 7am. Then I slept until 12pm. Thank goodness Danny comes home for lunch so he can take my babies potty. I also feel bad for their sake. I know they are just dogs but all they do is lay with me all day. I feel bad I don't have the energy to take them for a walk. I hope they understand. Luke is oblivious but Soph knows. She knows when I am sad and not feeling well. She will come cheer me up and lick my tears. I love it. She is so smart. It's truly amazing how nurturing animals really are. I am lucky to have them. My hair is still thinning. No chunks coming out yet. I am sort of ready to lose it just because when I don't feel good, the last thing I want to do is do my hair. Everyone thinks that losing your hair is the worst part about cancer. But in all honesty, why? It's just hair. It will come back. This post has been an outburst of all the feelings I have been feeling. This is why I love my blog so much.. To get it all out. Now I can breathe.

surreal

Have you ever felt like what was happening to you during a moment was fake, like a dream, a nightmare. It felt as though it wasn't real. I have had a few of those moments in my life. I had another one today..

Danny, I, Luke, and Soph were on our way to my aunt and uncle's house for dinner with the fam. Ready for a good night, I was excited to see everyone and we were having tacos! Mmm absolutely love tacos. Anyway on our way there the dogs were in my lap, Danny was driving. I roll the window down so my babies can stick their cute little heads out the window because that is something they love and I spoil the shit out of them. We were just about to go on the overpass on Antelope Drive when I watched my sweet little Lukey jump out of the window of our moving car.. I was silent for a second.. Almost like I couldn't speak. Finally I yell to Danny, "Luke jumped out the window!!" Danny pulls the car over, gets out to chase him down. I am still in the car in shock. I turn around and look behind me.. I see Luke running down Antelope in the midst of traffic. I roll up my window so Soph doesn't do the same thing and I start running down the street. It was unreal. A feeling I can't describe. I am running through traffic like I am invisible. I don't care about anything else in the world but my Luke. The car behind us stopped and tried grabbing him but Luke was so scared he kept on running. Running towards oncoming traffic. As I am running to catch up to Danny I am feeling all these emotions. Trying not to cry, thanking everyone behind us that stopped, running to get my baby. It was almost like my life flashed before my eyes. Losing Luke I just couldn't handle right now. Luckily somehow someway Luke stopped himself from running into the oncoming traffic. He wound up under some ladies car that was thankfully stopped. He was so scared and shaking when Danny finally got a hold of him. I was so relieved but still so in shock at the same time. I am so thankful! So thankful that everyone who was behind us stopped. I am so thankful that he didn't run into the oncoming traffic. I am so thankful for everyone who tried and helped. And I am so thankful for Danny who picked my poor baby up! Sooo thankful. I now have learned my lesson to NEVER let them stick their heads out the car window again. After that incident we made it to dinner perfectly safe. But once I told my family what happened. I was a complete wreck. I bawled because I was still so scared. Scared of losing him. I love you Luke! Never do that to me again!

Leaving for St. George in an hour or so.. So I am going to hurry and blog my thoughts before I leave and forget them. I have been really busy this week and I haven't been giving my blog the attention it deserves!

Yes, St George until Tuesday.. SO EXCITED! But.. my babies, I miss them already. I dropped them off at my aunts this morning pretty early and I am already missing them. My chihuahuas are probably the most annoying, troubled dogs. (Not so much Soph) Luke is crazy, but I wouldn't have it any other way. I have never left my dogs this long before. Which may sound dumb because they are just dogs. But to me they aren't. They are my life. I love them and I am going to miss them :( I know my family will take such good care of them, although I am not sure how they are going to act since I have never left them before.. guess we will see.

So lately I have been wondering if everyone has a hard time keeping the house clean.. because me and Danny have that problem. We can never keep it clean. It is just little things too. It is so annoying! Every time after we clean we are always like, "Okay now this time we are seriously cleaning up after ourselves." we always agree.. and bam, it's a freakin mess again! :( its sorta frustrating! Not sure what to do about this situation.

Oh and I am a little upset that I will be missing Jersey Shore tonight! Hmm

Good karma is what I have. Hate to brag but I got it. Lately I have been doing people so many freakin favors it's unreal. But I am too nice to say no. Ha so I do them and feel good about it after. Also I am the kinda girl who lets the spider out instead of killing it. Ya know. Danny is deathly afraid and always wants to kill them, so i have to go get the cup and let it go outside. I am not afraid of something that I am a million times bigger than.. Hello! Also I think that since I am so in love with my life, shouldn't a spider be too? Some people don't care and will just kill the thing. But nope, not me. (I have good karma when it comes to this too) If giants ever take over this earth and have the chance to step on me, they will think twice about doing it and won't because I never did it to those poor spiders! (: Ha random post..

Well I think that instead of blogging I should be packing! So I hope you all have a wonderful weekend. Be safe. Be smart. But have fun (:

Everyone needs to invest in a quote book. I have had mine quite some time now, whenever I hear or come across a quote that I like I write it in this book I have. I am coming pretty far with it. It is a lot of writing and does take some time but whenever I am sad, lonely, down, confused, lost, etc.. I read it. And all the wonderful quotes that I have forgot about. They do their job again, and bring me back to the bliss. I love being inspired. That is just one of the ways I breathe and become sane. So many of my quotes are from this amazing TV series, One Tree Hill. And honestly if you haven't watched the first 4 seasons you are missing out on life. I promise! One Tree Hill and my quote book got me through ALL of high school. That is when I can truly say my life was the hardest. I think it is inspiration that keeps me going. Those two things I cannot live without.

Also today in the shower, (during the incident of my 6 month old baby Luke eating boneless buffalo bites.. Yes ate them all and didn't even get sick. Not sure how he couldn't with his little belly.) Anyway during my shower today I was thinking a lot about myself and my life. And how much happier I am when I let things go, when I forgive. I just think about how short my life is and I don't want to spend one day angry at something that doesn't even deserve my time. When I look back on my life I want to believe that I did the right thing, in every situation I come across. Spending my life angry and upset about something isn't the way I want to live it. If I spend my life angry at the world, I will die angry at the world. When I am the farthest thing from angry at this beautiful life I have. I am truly blessed. I think about it everyday, how much worse things could be. But they aren't I am so lucky to be living in this small one bedroom apartment with everything I could ever imagine wanting. I have the best family anyone could ask for. I cannot thank god enough.

So I am not much of a, I guess you could say religious person. I was baptized and brought up Mormon but once I finally found myself and knew the things I believed and wanted I figured out it just wasn't for me. This may be horrible of me to say, but I like to be honest with myself or it drives me crazy. But I do believe in god. And I do believe that when I am married, temple or not, I will be with Danny forever. I strongly believe in that. I guess there is no right or wrong thing to believe in. All we can do is believe right? I follow my heart. It gets me through the day.

Standards. This is my next subject. I may say some pretty harsh things about Danny so please forgive me baby, I will say nothing but the truth! And he will forgive me because he is so forgiving (: Love him. Anyway, I met Danny my Sophomore year, through some friends. From the moment I saw him, I always had a little bit of a crush on him. Yeah he was cute, funny but totally not my type. He was kinda a perve, you know those kinda boys and I was a really sweet innocent girl, still very active in the church. Boys! I guess is what you could call it! He was a young little boy. Heard some rumors of him in junior high. At the time we met he was dating a girl and I was sorta dating someone else. I have a point to all this, I promise. If you have read this far I give you props because I ramble and never really get to the point. I guess you could say I HATE paying attention. Ask Danny, I never listen, I am horrible! Anyway I remember this one night, the girl he was dating wasn't there and same for me. We were hungry and he had just gotten his license which I thought was so cool since my birthday wasn't til February. Well we were going to get something to eat, and he let me drive his car, sounds corny but I was happy.. even though Wendy's was right down the street. Well that night driving his car, I realized something about him. Everything I had heard was nothing but a lie. He was a sweet little boy that I (from one night) had already had this liking to. Yeah we talked a little before but this was the first night we really talked! And from there it escalated. We started hanging out more and more. He would give me rides home from school (: Cute little fairytale. Then we finally made it official. I remember the first time he had ever met my parents was at a Young Womens basketball game that I was playing in, He came and watched. My parents, well my mom thought he was cute. We were together for short 3 months. But those three months we were constantly together! I mean ALWAYS. and really that isn't normal for a 15 year old. But I thought it was the greatest thing. I am going to be a little vague here but Danny was the first boy I had ever.. Did the deed with and he was the last. Little did I know that then.. Not too much later we broke up a little before summer started. I thought I would never live without him, I soon learned that wasn't true. That summer we still had the same friends but for some reasons his friends weren't really friends to him anymore so he started making friends with different people, and lets just say these people weren't the ideal people I thought he would of ended up being close with. Nothing bad about these people, they were just different from everything I knew. But for some reason still, I loved this boy. He went down I guess you could say not really the right path but life is all about trying new things. He began to drink, smoke, doing some drugs. I knew then that wasn't the path I wanted to head..yet! Our Junior year we barely talked. I mean we would see each other often and say hi but that was strictly it. I still loved him. And it was weird because he was changing. When we would talk I knew this wasn't the Danny I was in love with.. It all happened Senior year, That was the first time I would start to drink. My best friend at the time, Kylee was sorta talking to Danny's best friend Mike. So me and Danny sorta started talking again. Little did we know that we were both still in love with each other. And we would try this many times before it finally worked. But it was always his friends, weed, or parties before me. And I knew that wasn't what I wanted. Back to standards.. I wanted the real Danny. The Danny that I fell in love with. The Danny that cared, appreciated, and made me first. This took Almost ALL senior year for him to realize, Which is fine because it was worth the wait. There was this one party that changed his and mine perspectives on life. His friends really weren't his friends.. He turned to me, and of course I would be there for him. He realized he was headed down the wrong path and that in 3 months I would be leaving Layton going to Dixie with all my friends. He knew he had little time to make things right, but he did it. Within that summer I knew he was finally starting to figure out what he wanted, and he was working hard at it. How could I leave him in a month? I couldn't, I didn't. Casey was pretty upset with me. But I just could not leave him. As much as I wanted to go with Case, I didn't. I think that was the best decision I ever made. Because if I would have gone, I wouldn't have him, I wouldn't have Sophie or Lucas. And those three are my world. I have standards and if he wouldn't of met them that one summer we would not be together today. I appreciate him and everything he has been through. I guess I forgave him, for everything. He put me through so much hell, always leading me on and making me believe he had changed. But it wasn't til he knew he would lose me for good. I am so thankful that things have worked out the way I prayed they would. I am truly happy. Now he has this great full time job with great pay and benefits. He has grown up more than anyone I know and in such short time. He is an amazing man that I have loved for years. Thank you baby for doing such great things. I can't wait to see what tomorrow brings!

Xoxox

mad women?

Yeah today I cleaned like a mad women. I don't think I have ever cleaned anything so good before. I am very satisfied. Our apartment was hecka dirty, glad I got the cleaning over with.

Danny is going camping this weekend and I do not know what I am going to do without him. Well I have to work all weekend so I guess that is something I will do..

Dessert night at Corina's was a success, It was exactly what I needed. I love all those girls so much. Glad they are apart of my life.

Pandora is amazing! I hear all these songs I totally forgot about. And I love all of them.

My chihuahua's are a freaking piece of work. But I love them and I wouldn't have it any other way. They keep me sane.

P.S. sorry this post is such a mess, this is how my head works (: Ha!


Xoxox

Just realize.

There is no place I'd rather be then here. In love with life with the most amazing guy out there. I have amazing family and friends. I have the most amazing babies! I realize we only get this one life, this one life to do everything we've ever imagined doing. Thinking of this makes me sorta scared. I feel like I have to do everything before it's too late. I want to do everything before it's too late. I need to start living. This is my chance.

xoxox