I promised myself I would get back to writing.
As an outlet for myself. Something for me. This has always helped.
I am anxiously waiting for the day that I can "spill the tea"
Basically what I mean.. I can't wait to speak my mind.
Kristin
10.27.2019
To say I am struggling..
would be an understatement.
I don't even know where to begin. 2019 has been the worst year of my life.
The main reasons are losing the ones I love the most.
I have been very fortunate for 28 years to not have to deal with any deaths.
I am not only grieving their loss, but the loss of myself.
I feel like a piece of me has gone with them.
I feel lost. numb. broken. alone. scared. out of control.
Every negative emotion you can think of, I feel it.
Daily lately.
Now I have always struggled with depression, but over the years I have learned how to shake it.
To feel it and then release myself from it. But this year, it has been different.
I have no complaints in my little families life. My girls are thriving. Danny and I are as good as we can be (it is my fault we are not, because of what I am going through.) We just bought a house in sunny Florida. No surgeries in sight. So what is the problem?
I wish I knew the answer.
Tomorrow I will be calling to set up an appointment with a therapist. I should have done this sooner. But I thought I would be able to get myself out of this rut I am in. But it is easier said than done. And I can't. And that is okay.
Love Always,
Kristin
I don't even know where to begin. 2019 has been the worst year of my life.
The main reasons are losing the ones I love the most.
I have been very fortunate for 28 years to not have to deal with any deaths.
I am not only grieving their loss, but the loss of myself.
I feel like a piece of me has gone with them.
I feel lost. numb. broken. alone. scared. out of control.
Every negative emotion you can think of, I feel it.
Daily lately.
Now I have always struggled with depression, but over the years I have learned how to shake it.
To feel it and then release myself from it. But this year, it has been different.
I have no complaints in my little families life. My girls are thriving. Danny and I are as good as we can be (it is my fault we are not, because of what I am going through.) We just bought a house in sunny Florida. No surgeries in sight. So what is the problem?
I wish I knew the answer.
Tomorrow I will be calling to set up an appointment with a therapist. I should have done this sooner. But I thought I would be able to get myself out of this rut I am in. But it is easier said than done. And I can't. And that is okay.
Love Always,
Kristin
8.20.2019
New normal
It has been a little over a week since my last blog entry.
Since then.. I have been a little better since losing Auntie. I am getting back into a routine and trying to keep pushing forward from this. It has been hard but it's doable.. or I guess has to be because what choice do I really have?
None.
A few updates:
Brooke is loving school. (I think) I see so much of Brooke in me. I feel as though I was her as a child. I know how she feels and I have an idea of what she is thinking but I wish I could somehow get her feelings out of her. Who am I to say that right? I am 28 years old and it has taking me this long to deal with my own feelings and emotions.. I hope she knows everything she feels is okay.
Charlie is doing great. We have PT and OT once a week. I am so ready for her to potty train! She has adjusted to her alone time when B is at school just fine. She is excited for next year when she gets to go to school.
We are thinking of casting her right knee again to see if we can get any more ROM (range of motion) in it. She has finally agreed to this. She misses her wheels she's said.
Danny recently got pre-approved for a mortgage. We have been house hunting the past week. It's been fun, nerve racking, and a little stressful with the girls but we are so grateful and excited for a future here in Florida. If we haven't told you yet, we will be staying! Nothing feels more right.
My blog has always been my random thoughts and always will be. I am sure I have mentioned this in the past. But I've been feeling the urge to speak/write what is on my mind lately so here I am.
Love Always,
Kristin
Since then.. I have been a little better since losing Auntie. I am getting back into a routine and trying to keep pushing forward from this. It has been hard but it's doable.. or I guess has to be because what choice do I really have?
None.
A few updates:
Brooke is loving school. (I think) I see so much of Brooke in me. I feel as though I was her as a child. I know how she feels and I have an idea of what she is thinking but I wish I could somehow get her feelings out of her. Who am I to say that right? I am 28 years old and it has taking me this long to deal with my own feelings and emotions.. I hope she knows everything she feels is okay.
Charlie is doing great. We have PT and OT once a week. I am so ready for her to potty train! She has adjusted to her alone time when B is at school just fine. She is excited for next year when she gets to go to school.
We are thinking of casting her right knee again to see if we can get any more ROM (range of motion) in it. She has finally agreed to this. She misses her wheels she's said.
Danny recently got pre-approved for a mortgage. We have been house hunting the past week. It's been fun, nerve racking, and a little stressful with the girls but we are so grateful and excited for a future here in Florida. If we haven't told you yet, we will be staying! Nothing feels more right.
My blog has always been my random thoughts and always will be. I am sure I have mentioned this in the past. But I've been feeling the urge to speak/write what is on my mind lately so here I am.
Love Always,
Kristin
8.11.2019
One Month Down
I've been waiting to write this when it was "the right time" or when it got "easier" to but then I realized, this will never get any easier..
My Auntie is one of the greatest people I know. She shared with me her love for friends, relationships, animals, a good book, the ocean, cooking, picture taking, memory making, scrap booking, and a million other things that mattered. She loved to feel.
I always felt like her daughter. We look alike! We've gone through LOTS of the same things. We each have a high school sweetheart named Danny, we both had a form of Lymphoma 💚💜 we've been bald & gone through chemo around the same age. We have similarities.. We have always wanted a farm. We LOVE the ocean more than words. 🌊 Lance Bass is our favorite Nsync member. Quotes and sayings are life. Music is good for the soul. We always believed you're only as happy as you let yourself be. And only you are in charge of that happiness.
There are a few things I can no longer do without losing it completely. I can't listen to the song 'Senorita' by Shawn Mendes or 'Shallow' by Lady Gaga let alone watch the movie A Star Is Born. 'Fill Me In' by Craig David (that was our song) still stops my breath but is becoming more tolerable.
The happy things.. Charlie has your middle name and initials CJ! ❤ The movie "Shag" brings a smile to my face. Whenever I am at the beach, I think of you. That monarch butterfly is always you 🦋 I hope she knows how much I love her! I will forever cherish the memories I was so lucky to make with her. She will always be in my heart. And for the rest of my life I will search for moments of you.
The regrets I have are small and will leave with time.. The last picture I took on my phone was supposed to go to her but never got sent. I had the feeling to call that weekend, but forgot and didn't. I recently watched A Star Is Born, one of her favs, but never got to talk to her about it.
I think the message being, if you think of someone or miss them.. send the text, make the call, the email, the snap, the dm. Tell them. Because life is TOO short! ❤
Please zoom in to read & please share her freaking awesome obituary she wrote. YOU'RE MY HERO! 💚
7.22.2019
I've struggled
every day since July 10th 2019.
Grieving my Auntie has been the hardest thing I have ever done.
and I have been through A LOT in 28 years!
She is 20 years older than me. She lived 48 years. She is so young and full of life.
She was trapped in a broken body. I can't help but wonder where she is now.
I still feel her. It's my worst nightmare now a reality.
Moving away my biggest fear was something happening to her.
I have a few regrets that I am dealing with. I know she holds none of these against me so why do I do this to myself? Have regrets? I remember thinking one day I wanted to call her, I didn't. The next day I took a photo I meant to send her, I never sent it.
One thing I am not good about and I am now working on 28 years too late is communication. I thought of Auntie every day. I hope she knows. I love her more than words. I hope she knows.
I think one of the hardest things is knowing my girls will not really remember her
like I will. They point her out in pictures and I know they remember her now. I wish they could have experienced the Auntie she truly was. She has so many lessons.
She is like my mother. She knew her place well as an Aunt though. Never over stepping but always being there no matter what.
I feel as though she lives on through me. Getting back to my happy place has been easier said than done and for that I am still struggling.
RIP Auntie<3 p="">
Grieving my Auntie has been the hardest thing I have ever done.
and I have been through A LOT in 28 years!
She is 20 years older than me. She lived 48 years. She is so young and full of life.
She was trapped in a broken body. I can't help but wonder where she is now.
I still feel her. It's my worst nightmare now a reality.
Moving away my biggest fear was something happening to her.
I have a few regrets that I am dealing with. I know she holds none of these against me so why do I do this to myself? Have regrets? I remember thinking one day I wanted to call her, I didn't. The next day I took a photo I meant to send her, I never sent it.
One thing I am not good about and I am now working on 28 years too late is communication. I thought of Auntie every day. I hope she knows. I love her more than words. I hope she knows.
I think one of the hardest things is knowing my girls will not really remember her
like I will. They point her out in pictures and I know they remember her now. I wish they could have experienced the Auntie she truly was. She has so many lessons.
She is like my mother. She knew her place well as an Aunt though. Never over stepping but always being there no matter what.
I feel as though she lives on through me. Getting back to my happy place has been easier said than done and for that I am still struggling.
RIP Auntie<3 p="">
1.17.2019
New Year, New Me!
Okay okay! I know that saying is so cliche but in this case it's 100% true!
2019 has been a great one so far.
We have done so many fun things.
We have a lot of hard times ahead
but I know we will get through them.
Danny and us girls are STRONG!
A few things that I am working on are..
Eating healthier
Exercising at least 5 times a week
At least 10K steps a day
Noalcohol for 60 days
Mindset Reset.. being more positive.
So far I am kicking a** and taking names!
Charlie has begun her serial casting this week. She is handling it like a champ. Her first surgery is Feb 6th and the second is Feb 20th. I am looking forward to getting these done and behind us.
I am ready to focus on her recovery and her physical therapy.
I am completely loving Florida! I never want to leave.
It has been odd not knowing what our future holds for us.
Not knowing where we will end up.
But it has also made life exciting.
Love Always,
Kristin
2019 has been a great one so far.
We have done so many fun things.
We have a lot of hard times ahead
but I know we will get through them.
Danny and us girls are STRONG!
A few things that I am working on are..
Eating healthier
Exercising at least 5 times a week
At least 10K steps a day
No
Mindset Reset.. being more positive.
So far I am kicking a** and taking names!
Charlie has begun her serial casting this week. She is handling it like a champ. Her first surgery is Feb 6th and the second is Feb 20th. I am looking forward to getting these done and behind us.
I am ready to focus on her recovery and her physical therapy.
I am completely loving Florida! I never want to leave.
It has been odd not knowing what our future holds for us.
Not knowing where we will end up.
But it has also made life exciting.
Love Always,
Kristin
11.28.2017
let it out.
You know what is hard? Feeling.
It is been months since I felt like me. Looking back now I don't even remember what it is like to even be myself, my true self, the person I long for yet hardly know.
I keep looking for signs to point me to where I need to go.
They have yet to find me.
Ever since I can remember I have ALWAYS been inside my head. The only feelings I ever show to the world are happy ones. Positive ones. On the outside I seem to have it all figured out, I am happy, and I hide every other feeling inside.. WHY?! Why why why! Your guess is as good as mine. If you for some reason know why this to be true, please enlighten me!
I am going to get real deep here so bare with me.
I came across this quote today and it hit me. This is me.
It is been months since I felt like me. Looking back now I don't even remember what it is like to even be myself, my true self, the person I long for yet hardly know.
I keep looking for signs to point me to where I need to go.
They have yet to find me.
Ever since I can remember I have ALWAYS been inside my head. The only feelings I ever show to the world are happy ones. Positive ones. On the outside I seem to have it all figured out, I am happy, and I hide every other feeling inside.. WHY?! Why why why! Your guess is as good as mine. If you for some reason know why this to be true, please enlighten me!
I am going to get real deep here so bare with me.
I came across this quote today and it hit me. This is me.
"Sometimes you can get so busy being everyone else's anchor
that you don't realize you are actually drowning."
Why do I always feel like I need to help everyone else but myself? Seriously. Since becoming a mom and wife, I have lost my total identity. Now please don't think that I hate being both of those things because I don't. I absolutely love it. It isn't even fair that I have to make that a point but for some reason I feel like I need to clarify that. I love my family more than anything and if it wasn't for them, I would be even more lost than I am now.
I have heard that showing your emotions is a sign of strength so how can I get myself there? How can I teach myself this? I am almost 27 years old. I have been living this way my whole life. Old habits die hard.
My soul is deep. I feel a million different emotions all at once. Most of the time they are un-explainable. Deep down I feel like I have this purpose but I can't put a finger on what that purpose is. And because I have no idea what my purpose is, I question everything about myself and situation.
Why this ..
Why that..
What if..
I think that is my anxiety talking. I have learned to deal with my anxiety all my life until recently. It has gotten so bad that I don't even want to leave the house. All the what if's.. This is no way to live. I feel for everyone who has been here or struggled with any kind of mental illness.
I come to this blog when I am struggling the most in life. Once I let this all out I feel like I can breathe again. As if I have been holding my breath this whole time.
Love Always,
Kristin
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