It is been months since I felt like me. Looking back now I don't even remember what it is like to even be myself, my true self, the person I long for yet hardly know.
I keep looking for signs to point me to where I need to go.
They have yet to find me.
Ever since I can remember I have ALWAYS been inside my head. The only feelings I ever show to the world are happy ones. Positive ones. On the outside I seem to have it all figured out, I am happy, and I hide every other feeling inside.. WHY?! Why why why! Your guess is as good as mine. If you for some reason know why this to be true, please enlighten me!
I am going to get real deep here so bare with me.
I came across this quote today and it hit me. This is me.
"Sometimes you can get so busy being everyone else's anchor
that you don't realize you are actually drowning."
Why do I always feel like I need to help everyone else but myself? Seriously. Since becoming a mom and wife, I have lost my total identity. Now please don't think that I hate being both of those things because I don't. I absolutely love it. It isn't even fair that I have to make that a point but for some reason I feel like I need to clarify that. I love my family more than anything and if it wasn't for them, I would be even more lost than I am now.
I have heard that showing your emotions is a sign of strength so how can I get myself there? How can I teach myself this? I am almost 27 years old. I have been living this way my whole life. Old habits die hard.
My soul is deep. I feel a million different emotions all at once. Most of the time they are un-explainable. Deep down I feel like I have this purpose but I can't put a finger on what that purpose is. And because I have no idea what my purpose is, I question everything about myself and situation.
Why this ..
Why that..
What if..
I think that is my anxiety talking. I have learned to deal with my anxiety all my life until recently. It has gotten so bad that I don't even want to leave the house. All the what if's.. This is no way to live. I feel for everyone who has been here or struggled with any kind of mental illness.
I come to this blog when I am struggling the most in life. Once I let this all out I feel like I can breathe again. As if I have been holding my breath this whole time.
Love Always,
Kristin