One year

Today for some odd reason I felt like blogging. Lately it hasn't been something I've been needing or even wanting to do. I honestly don't even know how to blog anymore. I haven't been very open with the emotions I have been feeling, and I am not sure why. Maybe I am trying not to face them. I've been putting on a front and acting like everything is okay.
A year ago yesterday I found out I had Hodgkin's Lymphoma. It's a day I will never forget as much as I would like too. This year has flown by. Today I am happy and healthy. My hair is coming back curly which is crazy because it was so straight before. I am feeling great. One thing I think is really crazy is that half of this year was a complete blur. Going through chemotherapy is something I hardly remember. I chose to forget about it and never go back to that situation to feel the pain I was in then. My mind has done a terrific job forgetting about it totally. I am so happy for that.
I haven't been very thankful for everything I have and how truly lucky I am. I am working on trying to be a better person for myself and everyone I am close with. Sometimes I take things for granted. I want to start  appreciating the things that I have rather than wishing or hoping for more. To be honest I am one of the lucky ones. 

Means a lot..

"i never talked to you, in my life. saw you around at school a few times. but sometimes, when i feel low, i read your blog.
not only do your words make me feel grateful for what i do have, but i think you are a beautiful, incredibly strong young woman, and you inspire me.

keep going strong, xo."


Thanks Steph. This made my day. (:


On another note.. I rarely get on blogger anymore.. Sad I know. 
I recently have gotten into Tumblr. Check it out.

It's been awhile..

Since I last posted on this blog so I thought I would give it a whirl.
I have been doing great, cancer free and all.
I feel amazing. It's weird knowing that I don't have to go to chemo anymore. Not that I am complaining, It's been really nice to get back to my life.
I am finally back in the swing of things, work wise. I am waitressing at Boston's still and loving it. Soon I will be promoted (again) to a manager position. I am so excited and happy that this opportunity is still available to me. I also recently got another job as a nanny to a 2 month old baby boy named Brenan. He is adorable and I have already learned a lot about babies and being a parent. I will admit that it's not easy. It's a lot of work, but in a fun good way.
D and I recently got gym passes to Ogden Athletic Club. It's an amazing gym. We love it there. I am still working on losing 20 pounds. Let's just say that it's not as easy as I thought it would be. Lately I have been doing horrible at my diet. I need to get back in the swing of things.
I haven't really had the time or any urge to blog lately. I know I say this a lot. Hopefully though I will be better at it and stop neglecting my blog.

Remission

Feels GREAT.
My life is back to normal.

I love my sister

"Remember when I said... "This will all be in the past"? Well that time is almost here. Hopefully and at last. I wouldn't inflict this kind of pain on anyone, but why you of all people. What have you ever done? This tragedy we had never anticipated has got me thinking; It has me believing that the worst happens to the the best of us. Your life was perfect. You yourself was perfect. You didn't need to redefine the meaning of life. You didn't need to change the ways you lived your life and spent your nights. Unlike the ones I can name off the top of my head who do. They are the ones that need to. Need to be thankful, and grateful. Instead of deceiving and hateful. Things I never had to second guess you based on. Although this is almost over... It shouldn't have ever started in the first place. If this was gods way of opening my eyes to this beautiful life, then let me know now because that's exactly what it feels like. I'm in the process of turning my life around. Give, give, give, with very little take. Can I ask why your well being was jeopardized for my sake? I'm so thankful, yet its a bitter sweet kinda thing. Nothing compares to the feelings I'm feeling. For the rest of my life I will always remember what will soon be "At one point in time" how you opened my eyes. I'll always remember the first time I got to both, witness and feel what healing was actually like. I told you we would always be there. Especially when times got rough. But who was I kidding you didn't need us. You were always strong enough. Your independent and although it may feel as if your trapped in your own body... More importantly your free. all the things I aspire to be. All the things you inspire me to feel. You found strength within your personal struggles, without losing yourself and still remaining tolerable. You were ill for a while but you battled through without losing your smile. Because of this you are my hero and you will always remain it. You were capable of not only keeping your life but saving mine. You taught me what it could be like, simply... without saying anything. I wish I could help the world like you helped me. I want to open their eyes and teach them to not take advantage of anything, especially the people in their life. I want to show them to hold on to them with all of their might. But I doubt I can. It never made me so hopeless until now, realizing that I cant. Actions speak louder than words... Maybe that's why you had such a huge effect on me. Your one action; this only tragedy was stronger than a million words spoken could ever be. If you take your time to read; and think props to me... once again this was all you. Along with all the other times, your my inspiration. The one that inspires me to interpret my feeling into a rhyme. At first it was slowly but surely, now your speeding through this sickness like it never even phased you. The future has a lot to hold.. Part 1 is history; Today is brand new. THIS IS PART 2!
The ending of my sisters journey; <3
Whenever I start to write even when I don't know what its gonna be about at first... I always end up thinking about Kristin; How strong she is, how happy and positive she is, how she kicked that cancers ass!.. just whatever it is about her I write away like no other and it comes so naturally. That's how I know she is my biggest inspiration because when I start thinking and writing about her I never want to stop. The whole thing that happened with her makes me feel so much animosity towards people who take their lives for granted and test their limits in such wrong ways. Things that can end their life easily that can be prevented. It always has me thinking that there are always people out their dying for a life that others abuse. If you don't understand then I guess you would have to be in my shoes?
Basically what I'm sayin is... put your life to better use and make better use of your time. Because you'll never know, there might come a time that pauses or stops your life on a dime. 
Love you Kristin, your the best sisssstor anyone could ever ask for <3"

My sister wrote this for me. I am so jealous of her talent. I love you Cassidy Ann.

American Love

Exchanging beauty for the ashes
Given my heart To nothing real
I've given my heart away
To so many things
So many times I've failed
Help me stop this endless cycle
Remind me of how it can be

Take me back I surrender all
Without you my heart is broken
I never should have let you go
I never should have let you slip through my arms

As the sun sets tonight
I'll hold you with all that I am
I never should have let you go
Promise me you'll stay with me forever
Forever

Forgive me
For running so quickly to the outside

Results

I probably won't know my results until April 7th. I know it's kind of far away. 

I don't want the news over the phone and Dr. Hansen is always super busy so my next appointment is then. I want to see what he has to say and where to go from there.

 I want everything done in person, more intimately. I will keep everyone posted once I find out.