Why I say this is because I want to go into detail of how I have been feeling after my fourth chemo treatment. I wanted to warn you all because it isn't pretty. People have been telling me what not to blog about during my fight but then I wonder what the point of my blog would be if I couldn't be honest. This is my experience that I never want to forget. So if I want to blog about how crappy I feel, I am going to. I don't sugar coat everything, I'd rather be brutally honest. I am not going to tell you it's not that bad when really, it sort of is. I don't have a normal sleeping pattern. I wake up randomly in the middle of the night wide awake. I am constantly constipated. My stomach hurts, like really bad cramps. I randomly throw up. I am always nauseous. I don't have an appetite. My first meal is usually around 2pm when I have to force myself to eat something. I am probably the only person gaining weight on chemo. I have crazy mood swings. No energy. I have a constant headache. My hair is thinning. There is hair everywhere. I am not ready to shave it, but I really wish I were. I feel like the most negative person. I should be thankful that my cancer is disappearing but it's hard to stay positive when I am constantly feeling like crap. I am only human. I think I have the right to be upset. I have the right to not be happy all the time right? I can have bad days. I keep telling myself it's okay to show other emotions. That I don't have to be happy all the time. I can't wait until I no longer feel these symptoms! I am so ready for my good days! Please come soon and stay!
xoxox
Kristin, i think the most amazing thing about you is that you are NOT fake. I can gurantee no one in life is ALWAYS happy. People have there bad days. With what you have been going through I can't imagine you not having bad ones. Despite you going through all that, and feeling that way, you are still just an amazing person. Sometimes you can't help the way you feel or the things you are going through. This doesn't change the fact that you have a good heart and a wonderful personality. Your exmaple of being so honest to the point where it's raw is what I love most about you. We need more people like this in the world. Keep smiling. I'll keep praying. If you need anything let me know.
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100% okay to blog about the crap, Kristin! It sucks. And it's wonderful to be positive, but it's impossible to be that way all the time. Especially when it DOES SUCK! You have a great attitude through all of this and that is going to carry you a long way. I always said, "I have to get through it whether I'm positive or not, so I choose to be positive." But there are definitely bad days, days that are worse than others, and just because you are staying positive, doesn't mean that you don't still feel like crap. And it doesn't mean you can't let people know how much pain and suffering goes into fighting cancer too. You are amazing. And please, blog about it all. Because you will look back on it (soon), and oddly enough, you'll be surprised at how much you forget. Maybe that's one of the plusses of "chemo brain." ;o)
ReplyDeleteYou should always say how you feel. I learned that a long time ago. I got tired of saying I was OK, just to make others feel comfortable. I'm sure that the people in my life are sick of hearing me complain, but if they only know that they are only hearing half of what I really feel, even now. Holy crap, you are having poison injected into your body every two weeks! How are you supposed to feel? There are going to be LOTS of bad days unfortunatley, be honest, feel it, crawl into your bed, accept it. But, come out of it when you can and live. I know that you are doing your best and that's all anyone can ask of you. No one will ever understand unless they've been through it themselves, never. Call me, text me, I might be able to help. Don't forget to tell your Dr. everything, they will do whatever it takes to make you comfortable. Love you much, Auntie
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