A post about someone I would want to switch lives with for one day and why.
*Definitely Danny, I would like a better understanding of his job and what he does each day. And I would like to get in that head of his. I would like to know his thought process and the way he looks at things. I just want a better understanding. Also, I have always wanted to see what it was like to be a boy.*
Day 17
1.14.2011
Me myself and I
Day 16 - A picture of myself and a random thought.
"Where would I be if I wasn't with D.
and would I be truly happy?"
1.12.2011
The Unknown
I don't want to fall asleep because when I wake up that means it's time for chemotherapy.
I am constantly trying to eat my cravings away because I won't have cravings much longer.
No wonder I am gaining weight..
I keep telling myself I will be able to work it off once I am better. It's easier said then done.
I hate dreading to wake up tomorrow but I can't blame myself.
I keep praying that I'll only have to do this once.
I love the unknown, but not this unknown.
Even if it were to come back I wouldn't care just as long as God could give me a sign.
I don't think that would happen but I still search.
I've always wondered why he picked me or if he even had a say.
Even though I would pick myself over anyone else and I have never been upset with him for choosing me, I just wonder if he had a choosing and why it was me.
I am probably being selfish, it could be worse.
I've never wanted something so badly then to just be better.
I will never take a feel good day for granted again after this.
I hope once I am through with my treatments I never have to look back.
I want to move forward. With life and everything it has in store for me.
At the end of the day I am grateful.
For everything I have. I hope I remain the same person I am today for the rest of my life.
I hope I never forget what made me who I am.
xoxox
Just some thoughts
I am finally reading again, thank goodness. I go through fazes, sometimes I am constantly reading and other times I never read. When I am not reading I don't feel as smart as I feel when I do read. Right now I am reading three books, The Book Of Awakening, Marley & Me, and a book all about chihuahuas. I love each one..
*The Book Of Awakening, is amazing. I find myself wanting to read ahead, but I don't because it's supposed to be a page a day. It's hard to stop myself from reading on. Thanks again Rachael!
*Marley & Me, I have been wanting to read for awhile now. I love the movie, I always cry. I like how it is written by a man. I like that John Grogan is so honest and smart enough to write a story about his dog. It shows me that men actually do have feelings.
*The Chihuahua, I am reading because my two chihuahuas are little shits. I want a better understanding of them and tips on training them. The main thing I need to do is socialization. I take them places all the time but they still bark no matter what. It's annoying to me and I am sure others. Hopefully I can get them a little more behaved this year. I think not living in an apartment will help things a lot. All they know is this apartment. I think having a backyard will be a huge change for them.
Tomorrow I have my 8th chemotherapy. I am not excited or even anxious. It sucks. I hate the attitude I have built towards going to chemo, I used to love it. It's just everything about that place makes me nauseous. The smells especially. It's weird. I will never be able to explain. Last chemo I slept the whole time. It made the time fly by but I remember always wondering how people could sleep because I never could. But now I understand why most people are sleeping. I am sick of my port-a-cath, especially being poked there. It's always itchy. I can't wait to get it taken out. Which probably won't be for awhile, but still. I keep telling myself after this only 4 more! 4 more! It sounds like hardly any and it is. I just wish I could speed up time. I need to stay positive, I know and I've been trying it's just hard. But I know I can do it, I have to. I am happy to see Dr. Hansen so he can check my lymph nodes and tell me he doesn't feel any. That always makes me happy. Seeing that the chemo is actually doing it's job and not just making me sick. It's hard for me to even enjoy my last feel good day because I am too worried about tomorrow.
D was able to get the rest of my chemo days off, which I am really happy about. He said something the other day that made me happy. He said, "I hated the thought that you were at chemo and I wasn't there with you." This made me smile and realize how much he does care. D isn't a wear your feelings on your sleeve kind of guy. I can count on one hand how many times I've seen him cry. Not sure if this is a good or bad thing. I've considered it good because I do enough crying for the both of us.
I'm going to try and enjoy the rest of my day that I have left.
*The Book Of Awakening, is amazing. I find myself wanting to read ahead, but I don't because it's supposed to be a page a day. It's hard to stop myself from reading on. Thanks again Rachael!
*Marley & Me, I have been wanting to read for awhile now. I love the movie, I always cry. I like how it is written by a man. I like that John Grogan is so honest and smart enough to write a story about his dog. It shows me that men actually do have feelings.
*The Chihuahua, I am reading because my two chihuahuas are little shits. I want a better understanding of them and tips on training them. The main thing I need to do is socialization. I take them places all the time but they still bark no matter what. It's annoying to me and I am sure others. Hopefully I can get them a little more behaved this year. I think not living in an apartment will help things a lot. All they know is this apartment. I think having a backyard will be a huge change for them.
Tomorrow I have my 8th chemotherapy. I am not excited or even anxious. It sucks. I hate the attitude I have built towards going to chemo, I used to love it. It's just everything about that place makes me nauseous. The smells especially. It's weird. I will never be able to explain. Last chemo I slept the whole time. It made the time fly by but I remember always wondering how people could sleep because I never could. But now I understand why most people are sleeping. I am sick of my port-a-cath, especially being poked there. It's always itchy. I can't wait to get it taken out. Which probably won't be for awhile, but still. I keep telling myself after this only 4 more! 4 more! It sounds like hardly any and it is. I just wish I could speed up time. I need to stay positive, I know and I've been trying it's just hard. But I know I can do it, I have to. I am happy to see Dr. Hansen so he can check my lymph nodes and tell me he doesn't feel any. That always makes me happy. Seeing that the chemo is actually doing it's job and not just making me sick. It's hard for me to even enjoy my last feel good day because I am too worried about tomorrow.
D was able to get the rest of my chemo days off, which I am really happy about. He said something the other day that made me happy. He said, "I hated the thought that you were at chemo and I wasn't there with you." This made me smile and realize how much he does care. D isn't a wear your feelings on your sleeve kind of guy. I can count on one hand how many times I've seen him cry. Not sure if this is a good or bad thing. I've considered it good because I do enough crying for the both of us.
I'm going to try and enjoy the rest of my day that I have left.
Thanks for listening.
Mini playlist
Day 15 - Ten songs I love right now.
01. The Time by The Black Eyed Peas
02. So Happy I Could Die by Lady Gaga
03. December by Lydia
04. No Love by Eminem
05. Firework by Katy Perry
06. No It Isn't by +44
07. Pretty Girl by Sugarcult
08. Just A Dream by Nelly
09. A Camera Lens and Careful Days by Lydia
10. Raise Your Glass by P!nk
01. The Time by The Black Eyed Peas
02. So Happy I Could Die by Lady Gaga
03. December by Lydia
04. No Love by Eminem
05. Firework by Katy Perry
06. No It Isn't by +44
07. Pretty Girl by Sugarcult
08. Just A Dream by Nelly
09. A Camera Lens and Careful Days by Lydia
10. Raise Your Glass by P!nk
1.11.2011
The Book Of Awakening
Rachael recommended this book to me and I am so happy she did. I am only on the second day and I love it already. This is a book where you read a page a day. It starts with January 1st so I am a few days behind but I will have no problem catching up.
January 2nd it talks about trying to open a door with things in your hands, we all do this.
"It's such a simple thing, but in a moment of ego we refuse to put down what we carry in order to open the door. Time and time again, we are offered the chance to truly learn this: We cannot hold onto things and enter. We must put down what we carry, open the door, and then take up only what we need to bring inside."
January 2nd it talks about trying to open a door with things in your hands, we all do this.
"It's such a simple thing, but in a moment of ego we refuse to put down what we carry in order to open the door. Time and time again, we are offered the chance to truly learn this: We cannot hold onto things and enter. We must put down what we carry, open the door, and then take up only what we need to bring inside."
"Gather, prepare, put down, enter."
Memories.
I came across some pictures today that made me feel every emotion. I'm posting them here because I never want to forget these moments in my life. I've lost lots of pictures by having computers crash on me so if I put them on here, I will never lose them. (:
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