happiness.

Day 21 - Happiness. A picture of something that makes me happy.

Brucas

Sophia Bush is one of my idols. She is classy, smart, beautiful. I have never been disappointed by her and the things she does, the choices she makes. Chad Micheal Murray is probably my number one on cutest guys. His smile, voice, and attitude I find very sexy. I have been IN LOVE with this couple ever since One Tree Hill, and once I found out that the both of them were actually getting married in real life, you can only imagine what I felt. Happiness. Brooke and Lucas were always my favorite couple. I found myself exactly like Brooke, and I always wanted to find me a Lucas. I am still a little pissed off at Mark Schwahn for putting Peyton and Lucas together but there is nothing I can do about this. After hearing rumors that Chad was "unfaithful" to Sophia, I will never look at him the same. He is now on the bottom of my sexy guy list. Any guy who is unfaithful is someone I probably won't give the time of day. Who could do that to beautiful Sophia. I wish her the best and hope someday soon she finds her special someone, and I hope he treats her the way every women should be treated. I am sure you are wondering why this couple makes me happy.. that is still a little unknown to me but I will do my best to share why. I feel that, they both look really happy in this picture. They had a kind of love that I've always dreamed of finding. Their relationship gave me hope and confidence that one day I will find my special someone. They've taught me a lot through the characters that they've played. I am not sure I could of got through high school without them. This picture makes me happy whenever I see it. I still wish they were married. I thought they were perfect together. I also give Sophia a lot of respect for ending their marriage, most women aren't strong enough to move on. They think that they can change but in reality, probably never will. It says a lot about her, she is very strong and independent, and doesn't need a man to be happy in life. I love that.

Some quotes by Sophia Bush

"This is a difficult and unfortunate situation. 

I am glad this is being resolved sooner rather than later."

"The hardest situation to stay happy in, I think, 
is when you're trying to find love, and yourself 
at the same time. It just doesn't seem to fit well."

"When you realize the good people in your life, you're so lucky."

"Marriage is not about age, it's about finding the right person."

I can see clearly

I've been feeling best late at night, figures. I haven't really hit my "nausea" phase yet, it should be coming within the next few days though. I'm not really looking forward to it. I usually spend my days sleeping. They have been a blur. I dislike not being able to remember my days. This leaves me not being able to read or write. I hate it. This is probably why I have been going a little insane. I've been a beast lately, especially to Danny. I am so lucky that he even puts up with me. He will never understand and he will never really know how sorry I am even though I tell him. I feel like I am letting people down. When I feel negativity and let others hear how I sound, I feel like I'm breaking. I'm weaker then people think and I don't like that to be known. I wish I were stronger for everyone. I wish I could say this journey was a piece of cake. I know it's not supposed to be, I guess I don't like others knowing the weak side of me. I know I am being absolutely ridiculous. 
I've been writing more in my quote book. It leaves me happy and inspired. I hope I fill every page this year, and maybe even start a second book. 
I want to become a stronger person. Stronger than I already am. Sometimes I feel like I am not even the one making me strong, it's others. Without the people I have in my life I would be nothing. This is something I hope to overcome soon. I need more independence from myself. I don't think I have ever realized this. I've become comfortable with life and the people in it. What if that were to change suddenly. My whole world would come crashing down. I am so blessed to have everyone in my life that I do. Thank you for being there for me when I need it most. 

"If you can't handle me at my worst..

then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."

Day 20 - My dream guy. Does it need an explanation? 

My dream guy has never had to look a certain way. 

I've always found that it's much more than just looks. 

I've always wanted a guy to be:

selfless, 

loyal, 

kind, 

funny,

generous, 

patient, 

loving, 

understanding, 

strong, 

independent.

I know this list may sound like a lot of qualities. I don't expect every guy to fit these but I have found someone who is closer than I ever imagined to these. He has seen me at my absolute worst and is still here. I adore him more than anyone I have ever met. I am very lucky to be able to call him mine. He is very special to me.

Nicknames

Day 19 - Nicknames I have and why do I have them.

Kris.. from Dad
Baby.. from Danny.
Christian.. from Dad and Uncle
Kisstin.. from friends
Special K.. from family
Krissy B.. from Mom

Letters

Dear Chemotherapy, I cannot wait to be done with you, forever. 
Dear Danny, I am sorry I have been such a beast lately. This won't last forever. Thank you for taking care of me. I am not sure I could make it through this without you.
Dear Nausea Pill, thank you for working your magic these last few days. Keep it up. 
Dear Book of Awakening, I miss you dearly. As soon as my chemo brain is gone I will get back in the habit of reading you daily.
Dear Grandpa, Happy Birthday! I love you so much. I wish I felt good enough to spend this special day with you.
Dear One Tree Hill, when I am going through the hardest time, you always make me feel better.
Dear Kendra, I know you have better things to do then blog but I could really use some of your inspiring words. 
Dear Soph&Luke, I am sorry I have been so dead. I cannot wait until I feel better so I can take you two on a walk.
Dear Self, I am so proud of you. You are doing great. The worst is almost over. Hang in there.

My dreams

Day 18 - Plans/dreams/goals I have.

Kick cancers ass!

Go to school to become a nurse.

Find a great job.

Buy a house.

Get married.

Be a mom.

Lose 20 pounds.

Continue to stay happy.

Sleepy head

Yesterday, all I did was sleep. I feel asleep at chemo again and when I got home I slept.
Today I am feeling pretty good other than the fact I have to go back in this morning for my shot. Sometimes I feel that the shot makes everything 10x worse. It's a yucky feeling.
I haven't been reading or blogging because I need to rest. I miss doing those things. They are what keep me sane. 
I am hoping for a speedy recovery. Tomorrow is my grandpas birthday, I am most likely going to miss it, I just don't want to. 
Sunday is Kerra and Madison's birthday, and I don't want to miss that either. 
Fingers crossed for little nausea, and little soreness. 
Please please please body, you are doing great, I have faith in you.