hiccups, go away!

It's crazy how much I have been sleeping lately. My medicine makes me so tired. I am not hating it. I have always loved my sleep. It's nice that I get to do that all the time! I have another test tomorrow morning. :/ an early one! And it's not going to be a piece of cake like today's was. Tomorrow they are doing a bone marrow biopsy in my hip. I heard this isn't very comfortable. But that's okay. I think I can handle it. At least I don't have to be on a special diet like I had to be yesterday. I hate not being able to eat what I want.

Today I haven't had any patience whatsoever. I hate it. I feel bad. I was so mean to my babies and to Danny. Lukey has been sick. Throwing up everywhere and what not. It is the last thing I need. I am not feeling to great, I don't want to be cleaning up after him. Maybe it's a good thing my mom took them for the night. When I got home today from my Pet Scan, Danny was home for lunch and the house was sorta messy. So I started to clean up, which is something I didn't want to do because I was feeling so nauseous and crappy. So I got mad at him, when I shouldn't have. Who really cares if the house is not neat and perfect, I am sure he would of came home later from work and cleaned it up. I am sorry. And thank you for putting up with my grumpy self.

So I have always taken my hair for granted. I am always complaining about how thick it is, it won't straighten, won't curl, I hate the color. Always have hated it. My mom would always say, "Don't hate it. You're lucky to have hair. Remember auntie lost all her hair going through chemo." I never listened. I hate that I didn't. That is probably one thing that I will always regret. I have caught myself before saying "I wish everyone could just be bald.." Well I got my wish. One day this will most likely happen to me. I am not sad or scared. I am more mad about taking it for granted. I think this is a good lesson. Because I will never again take it for granted. That makes me happy. It makes me happy how much I appreciate things more now that I won't have them. It's very life changing. You learn what is important and what isn't. It has changed my ways and outlook on life. I am so thankful for that.

There's a first time for everything.

Today was my first surgery. Although I was a little nervous and scared.. I was excited at the same time. Excited to get it over with and move on to the next thing. Everything was very smooth, from what I can remember. (: I am all bandaged up. Which I like because I am not so sure I want to see where they operated. I guess tomorrow I will see how I react. I am starting to get a little more sore then I was today right after surgery but I know soon it will start to feel better. Not sure but I think my body does not like the pain medications they give me. Loratabs make me sick and Percasets aren't helping with the pain either. I took two and still nothing. Which kinda sucks. Hopefully the pain won't last too long! I have a few more tests coming this week. Xrays and what not. Pretty much I am still waiting for the news on what is going on in my body. I am hoping I know what is going on by the end of next week. I am very anxious to start my treatment.

I have the biggest support system! I love it. My mom, dad, grandma, aunt, and danny all went with me this morning really early. Almost too early. I am so not a morning person. And cute Hannah stopped by while I was in pre-op to see me. She is so cute. She is still the same Hannah that grew up right next door to me. I love and miss her. It was good seeing her. Everyone was really supportive today. I am so thankful.

Tomorrow I have nothing to do and I am excited to lay in bed all day with my babies! Just what I need to recover (:

Today is a good day. I started cleaning my whole apartment (and I mean deep cleaning) I am trying to get everything done before Tuesday. So I can come home to a nice clean apartment and relax. Once I start my chemo, my immune system will be out of whack so I need a clean house, because I am more likely to be getting sick, which is the last thing I need. My cute mom, dad, and sister came over to help me clean. Then they took me to lunch (: My aunt took me shopping yesterday for lounge wear (: my favorite kinda clothes! I am so excited, I am going to be so comfy. She is so cute. She told me she wanted to take me to get some pajamas. So I was thinking like 3 pairs ya know.. Nope, I pretty much own all the pajamas they carry at Kohl's. She is so sweet. Then she took me to Olive Garden. It was so yummy. I am so thankful for my family.

I may be crazy but I am not even scared or sad anymore. I am not sure if that is a good or bad thing. I am able to talk and communicate about what is going on without getting sad or upset. I am just so ready to get this going. I am ready to get this done and over with and move on with my life. God only gives you what you can handle, and I truly believe that. I think if it has to be anyone to go through something like this. Then why not me? I am perfect for this. I am ready. I recently came across this quote, "The future you see is the future you get." I fell in love with it. It is so true. Love my quotes. Sometimes I get tired of writing in my quote book so I had a bright idea to start a blog with all my favorite quotes. If you are interested, you can find them at kbcquotes.blogspot.com

I get to work tonight and I am so excited. Usually I wouldn't be. But I know once I can't, I am going to miss working and seeing everyone. I want to work as much as I can while I still feel good.

I can't thank everyone enough for all their prayers and blessings. I am truly blessed to have each and every one of you in my life. Thank you, thank you (:

This whole experience is life changing. There are so many things that I take for granted. Things I complain about that really do not even matter. This experience is making me realize so much. It's kind of what I needed.

I met my Oncologist yesterday, he is this cute sweet old man. That I already adore. He was so reassuring. Right now he is thinking my condition is Hodgkin's lymphoma. They will not be 100% sure until Tuesday. Tuesday my surgeon Victor, he is a cute young doctor, that I love.. Tuesday I will go in for surgery so they can do a biopsy. They will be taking a little bit of tissue from my lymph node so they can test it and be exactly sure what it is. Also they will be inserting a port-a-cath for my chemo. Which is nice so I won't have to go through two surgery's. (: It makes it so nice when you have great Doctor's that you love and are positive they know what they are doing. I feel that I am in good hands. I am very anxious, almost excited to get this going. I am 100% ready to be on the road to recovery.

My cute little Danny.. Tuesday when we found out that I have cancer, right when we got home he asked me, "Do you want me to bring the big TV in our room with the DVR?" and I was like, "Yes!" So he moves everything in there for me. We both love it even though we are more lazy and our living room is so plain. Ha! Also I have been wanting a snuggie FOREVER, everytime I see one I want it but Danny somehow always talks me out of it! And the other day Danny was like, lets go get you a present. Wasn't sure what he was meaning but he said yeah lets go get you a snuggie! So cute! It is just the little things that he does that makes me so happy! He is my rock. My family has been freaking out, which is fine because they have every right to. But when people freak out and worry.. It makes me worry. But Danny is so sure and so positive. It is good that when I am home, he makes everything feel better and I am back to my positivity. My family is great though. Very supportive. Same with all my friends. All I really need is support. My family is spoiling me, and I am not hating it (: It's nice not having to worry about making dinner. Every night this week me and danny are over at someone's house eating. It's nice! I told Danny last night, "I didn't know so many people liked me" Ha that might be a horrible thing to say but it is nice to have people contacting me and letting me know. I feel so lucky.

Yesterday I had to go into my work and break the news to my boss. I wasn't quite sure how he would react to the news. Me and my parents went in and told him. Lets just say that I have never seen that side of him. He was so shocked and sad. And it made me sad. But it made me happy to know how much he cares and how much he was going to work with me. It was a relief. I love my job! I am just a waitress at a restraunt. But I love it. Mostly because of all the people. I do not think there is one person there that I do not love. They are all so supportive and caring. They mean so much to me. I don't know what I would do without all of them. They are amazing people.

I feel like there are a lot of things I want to do. So many things, but so little time! I can't fit everything in. It's mind blowing. Because if it wasn't for that swollen little lymphnode. I still today would have no idea. I mean I feel normal. I feel great. It is crazy how your body is. You just never know!

I just want to thank all of you for your support and love. It means so much to me. I would never be able to go through this without any of you. I will try to update my blog everyday! To keep you all posted on what is happening. It is alot easier for me to put everything here. My thoughts, my emotions, my stories!

Xoxox

thoughts..

Would it be weird to say that I knew this would happen to me? I can't say that I ever wished it would or wanted it to. But I knew. I do not know whether to be scared, happy, nervous, sad, angry, upset, confused, lost. I can't put into words what I am feeling. I am more scared then anything. I am not good with change. I am scared of the unknown. I am not sure how my body is going to react. I wish I knew the outcome of it all. I have a long journey ahead of me. I am not quite sure where this is going to take me. All I know is where I want to go. I know the things I want to do. I know where I want to be once this is all over. I need strength. I need to be positive and strong. That is the only way I will survive.. Lymphoma, you will NEVER be the death of me.

I have the most amazing family ever. I couldn't ask for anything more than the things they do for me. I am so blessed to have them by my side. I wouldn't be able to overcome this challenge without their love.

I have been blessed with this amazing life. Now it is my turn to overcome this challenge I am being faced with. I pray to God to give me the strength I need.

curiosity kills the cat

This is a true saying. And I have a question for all you.. When are people going to learn? Most of you may be mad at me for writing this blog and for how honest I am going to be, but that is your problem not mine. This is my opinion. My blog. If you don't like it, don't read it. Lately I have been wondering why young people these days are so into drugs. And I mean hardcore drugs. It seems each year younger and younger teens are so curious about this. Which is fine because I was dumb once. I have been there. I tried a drug once. Curiosity is normal. We all are curious about things. But usually the things we are curious about aren't good for us in any way. I strongly believe in trying new things. But if you are trying something that is harmful to your body, be aware that good things probably will not come of it. Trying something once is fine, that is you being curious. But more than once, you are just being stupid. Because once you have tried it, the next time you will most likely do more.. Instead of taking one pill, I am going to take two this time. Think twice before you act because honestly, is it really worth it? We live once. If you don't wake up the next day, would you be happy with the decision you made the night before? I highly doubt it. Death is a sad, scary thing that happens all over the world everyday. But doing drugs, driving drunk, being dumb, is not the way I want to go. In my mind. It isn't worth it. I have a little story that I am going to share about my experience with drugs. My senior year I went to a little rave called get freaky. I am sure you all know about raves and how dumb they really are. I went because I was curious. wanted to see what they were all about. So me and Tyler got tickets. It was both of our first time going to a rave. We were both really scared and excited. But I was more scared ha well when we arrived, I was just looking around at all these skank gross people dancing, (this was before I took my pill) I remember just looking around and being like, I do not want to stay here all night. Tyler took her ecstasy pill and I did the same. A few minutes later it started to kick in. Never doing this before made me really nervous. I always think the worst of things, thought I was gonna die, you know. Wasn't sure if I was making the right decision but it was too late to go back. Once it kicked in, I felt good. I liked it. The music was amazing, I was constantly dancing. and I love to dance. Later that night when it was over, I ended up going home with you know who.. Danny ha figures. We weren't together at the time. But I wouldn't of wanted to go home with anyone else but him. He always makes sure I am safe. I love that feeling, knowing I am safe. We made it home okay. Went to bed because we were exhausted. I remember waking up the next day feeling so shitty. Like a really bad hangover. It sucked. But I remember telling Danny that I loved it so much and that I was going to every single rave. He looked at me and said no, you can't. It is not good for you. At this time I wasn't listening. I didn't care. A month later the next rave was coming up, I bought my ticket. But once it started getting closer I just didn't want to go anymore. I knew how stupid I would be if I went again. I told myself, only once I would go. So I sold my ticket. best thing I ever did. I still wanted to go because Danny was going but I didn't. I look back at this now and I am so proud of myself. We think we are invincible. Once we do something we think that if we do it again nothing will happen. Well that isn't true. A few years ago I remember someone close to me dying from an overdose. I see how many lives it affected. How much it affected me. Still people never learn.

I just feel sad about this topic. Because if people were more educated on harmful drugs, maybe they could be saved. It is a shame so many people die this way. I just wish people would realize how valuable life really is. One bad decision. You could be gone, forever<3

good to be home

St George I must say was a pretty good time. I seriously love it there. Love the weather, the rocks, the sunshine. Love everything about it. The condo was really nice. Great view. I had a great time. but I must say that I am really happy to be home. I missed my babies, my bed, my apartment. I missed being home.

So a little about my trip.. the first night we got there we got there super late. the next morning we went to breakfast then had to go grocery shopping. Went back to the condo and relaxed, laid by the pool, had a few beers. The next day we went on a hike and I realized how out of shape I am. Blah. Sucks that I now have to start my diet! So I have an embarrassing story that I am going to share with you all. (Well to whoever reads my blog) You know when you are watching AFV and you see people running into sliding glass doors and your like, how are people so stupid that they can run into that. I mean you have to be really dumb.. Well that happened to me. I hit that door hard and I mean hard. I got a fat lip, a bruised nose, and my first bloody nose. Yeah I have never had a bloody nose until I hit that door. Ha it was hilarious. Danny and Dave didn't know what to do. They were trying hard not to laugh cause they felt bad. Pretty funny. My nose still hurts.

I need to get back to cleaning (: ttyl

Leaving for St. George in an hour or so.. So I am going to hurry and blog my thoughts before I leave and forget them. I have been really busy this week and I haven't been giving my blog the attention it deserves!

Yes, St George until Tuesday.. SO EXCITED! But.. my babies, I miss them already. I dropped them off at my aunts this morning pretty early and I am already missing them. My chihuahuas are probably the most annoying, troubled dogs. (Not so much Soph) Luke is crazy, but I wouldn't have it any other way. I have never left my dogs this long before. Which may sound dumb because they are just dogs. But to me they aren't. They are my life. I love them and I am going to miss them :( I know my family will take such good care of them, although I am not sure how they are going to act since I have never left them before.. guess we will see.

So lately I have been wondering if everyone has a hard time keeping the house clean.. because me and Danny have that problem. We can never keep it clean. It is just little things too. It is so annoying! Every time after we clean we are always like, "Okay now this time we are seriously cleaning up after ourselves." we always agree.. and bam, it's a freakin mess again! :( its sorta frustrating! Not sure what to do about this situation.

Oh and I am a little upset that I will be missing Jersey Shore tonight! Hmm

Good karma is what I have. Hate to brag but I got it. Lately I have been doing people so many freakin favors it's unreal. But I am too nice to say no. Ha so I do them and feel good about it after. Also I am the kinda girl who lets the spider out instead of killing it. Ya know. Danny is deathly afraid and always wants to kill them, so i have to go get the cup and let it go outside. I am not afraid of something that I am a million times bigger than.. Hello! Also I think that since I am so in love with my life, shouldn't a spider be too? Some people don't care and will just kill the thing. But nope, not me. (I have good karma when it comes to this too) If giants ever take over this earth and have the chance to step on me, they will think twice about doing it and won't because I never did it to those poor spiders! (: Ha random post..

Well I think that instead of blogging I should be packing! So I hope you all have a wonderful weekend. Be safe. Be smart. But have fun (:

Day three: no meat! (:

We even went to Subway last night and I got the Veggie Delite. It was amazing (: I am proud of myself although this is a lot harder than I thought it would be. Except I find it rude.. Danny! That you aren't so supportive, and you think that I cannot do it.. But I am going to prove you wrong. You'll see.

Danny passed his Comcast test today! I am so proud of him! Now instead of working in that call center he will be out in the field. He is going to love it. Funny how him, his brother, his brother in law, and my uncle all work there. It is a small world.

Tonight is Travis' wedding reception! I am excited to see him and his new wife. And everyone else. I LOVE weddings! They are so romantic and perfect. And out of all the days this is one that makes us all believe in love again. It's crazy how everyone is getting married.. people with babies! I think they are truly blessed and lucky. Everything happens for a reason. I am so jealous of them. One day I keep telling myself, don't rush it. Don't wish your life away.

90210

Kinda cool that is today's date!

September already? Usually I would just complain about how fast summer flew by, but i'm not going to.. I have decided that I might as well make the best of fall since whether I like it or not, it's coming.. And fast too. Summer is definitely my favorite season. But I guess if there were no other seasons and just summer, I would eventually get sick of it and not appreciate it as much. So fall, winter, and spring.. I love you too! (: I love snuggling up, drinking my hot cocoa, and watching a movie. That is what I am most looking forward to. That and Christmas music!

So the other morning I was woken up by mooing.. Yes mooing! So I get up, take my babies out, and sure enough I look over to the field behind my apartment, and their are cows! COWS! Even little baby calf's! I was so excited! If you know me, you know how much I want a farm! I do! Last year there were horses there, but this year there are cows! Every morning I love waking up to them, makes my day. Which comes to my next topic..

Vegetarian? I was thinking the other night looking at them off my deck, I was thinking that I would never want those cute little animals to be killed just so I can eat them. And don't get me wrong, I absolutely love steak, and chicken!! But I don't think it is right to have one good tasty meal. I mean what is more important, a life or a meal? Nothing against people who do eat meat. Like Danny.. I asked him the other night, will you do it with me.. be a vegetarian? Obviously he said no, which I knew he would. He loves his meat TOO much. I have come across this feeling before and have tried being a vegetarian but I always give in. But not this time.. I hope I have the strength to accomplish this. I have been doing really well these first two days! (: Wish me luck!

Xoxox