My boggled mind

Sometimes I think I need more inspiration than most people do. I'm constantly looking for inspiration in anything, a song, a letter, a comment, a conversation. Is this a bad thing? I see others living their lives to an extent that I don't think I have reached yet. I know everyone is different and that everyone is on a different page, but sometimes I wish I was on the same page as most. I am content where I'm at, but I want to be further in life.. I hate wishing my life away but I can't help it. I find it hard to live in the moment because I am too worried about my future. I need to remember that good things don't some easy, they take time. 

I have the worst case of anxiety and this is something I never knew until Danny pointed it out, like a flaw. I hated it, no one wants their lover pointing out flaws you have. It took me awhile to come to the realization that yeah I do have anxiety. That is why I freak out about being on time, or I have to make sure the door is locked multiple times a day so I don't get "robbed." It's almost like I try to prevent things from happening to me. Anxiety is something I actually like about myself in some ways, not all. Some days it's so bad, I wish I could turn something off in my head and go back to sleep. I can't wait to talk to a doctor about this once I am done with chemotherapy. I might be able to take some kind of medication now but I think my body has enough medicine in it that I don't want to overwhelm it. 

My mind is always running, nonstop, all day. I come up with the most amazing things in my head. This is something that I love about myself. I think this is why I am not a good listener. I start off focusing on what someone says but then I find myself thinking about what they said at the beginning in great detail that I forget that they are still talking.. I wish I could turn off my brain, not just by sleeping. I wish there were another way. I can't even enjoy the beat to a song because I am too busy listening to the lyrics, finding the meaning and applying it to my life. I am emotional. I would love for someone to totally understand me and get me. I would love for someone to analyze me and why I do the things I do. If this is what therapists do, maybe it would be nice to get one. I wonder if I am "normal" or close to it. I don't believe in normal, that is why I quote it. 

Have you ever spent the day with someone who is exactly like you, I mean down to the pin point. I have. Today I spent most of my day with my dad. I wonder if it's awkward that I find myself so much like him. Good or bad thing? You tell me. I loved spending today with him. Anything I say to him he agrees and always adds something that I agree with. I love talking with him because of how much he gets me. He used to take me everywhere when I was little and I miss going to dumb stores with him. I am kind of mad at myself for not knowing how much alike we are until now. I grew up in the same house with him for 18 years. You'd think I would have known how alike we are but then I think maybe I wasn't the same person growing up. Maybe that is why we didn't get along and butted heads so much. I have changed, a lot but I think it was for the better. I have a closer relationship with my family, I think that is important. Time isn't lost. I still have time to do more things with my family. I mean why not, life is short. Who knows how much time is left. 

I came across this quote today by a guy named Steve Jobs, thought I'd share. "Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma-which is living with the results of other peoples thinking. Don't let the noise of others opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary."