Day 3

I have heard you will most likely be the worst day, although I find nothing horrible about you...yet. Maybe it's because I have only had one chemo session. I have heard you are going to wear on me the more I go. But that is okay because I am not afraid of you. (:

Today I feel a little worn down. I am tired. But what is weird is that I have been craving some weird things. McDonald's french fries, bean and cheese burritos, slim jims, sushi, etc.. I wish I could crave something healthy! I am trying to stay hydrated and eat my fruits and veggies. Which I am succeeding at. I haven't really had any nauseousness. Which I am so happy about. I think that is the worst feeling ever.

It's kinda hard to explain how I feel. My mind is constantly feeling boggled. My memory is shot. I am kinda in my own little world. I am still really positive and happy. But I do feel the effects of chemo. It's a constant feeling of exhaustion.

Ask. Believe. Receive.

Yesterday I met with Dr. Varela, who is my surgeon. He wanted to take a look at how my scars were healing. He said that everything was looking really good. The next time I will see him is when my portacath is ready to come out.

Next I met with a girl named Megan. She is the patient navigator for the American Cancer Society. To me it looks like she has such a fun interesting job. I walk in and meet her, she is so cute and friendly. She hands me this gift basket with a blanket, water bottle, candy, tooth brush, toothpaste, and a book. She tells me that all this stuff was donated. Almost right then and there I lost it. I couldn't help but think how selfish I am. Here is this adorable little gift basket from someone I don't know. That basket made me so happy. Here I am worry about a new case for my phone that is freaking $30. When I could be donating or buying something for someone who deserves it. I will never forget how that made me feel and how much it changed my life. I never would of thought to donate to the American Cancer Society. I know I am only human. But I can't help and think that this is why I am going through something like this. Day by day it is opening my eyes to so many great things. I was telling this to my dad, about how grateful I was for that and he replied, "remember all those Christmas' I told you guys we were just going to donate all the money for Christmas that we have and you and your sister threw a fit.." I told him, "Your totally right. How selfish of me." I cannot wait until my journey is over and I am financially stable again so I can donate as much as I can. After she gave me that gift basket we tried on some wigs. And after trying on a bunch I finally found my favorite one! I will post some pictures soon of it. It's really similar to how my hair is cut now. Short and simple is what I wanted. She also let me pick out a few cute scarves. They are adorable. She showed me a bunch of ways I can tie them and wear them. She was so much help. Here I am getting all this stuff for free. (even my wig was free) and I know how expensive they are. I just feel so grateful. And loved. God bless all those people that made it possible for me to have all these things. I am so happy.

Alright, now to my favorite part.. Chemotherapy! I love Dr. Hansen and all his nurses. Everyone is so sweet and if it wasn't for them I am not sure I would be able to go into that office happy. I get my chemo in this room with all the other patients that are there for the same reason. I am going to describe it as like a little party. A little gathering. I absolutely love it. I kinda wish I had to go everyday! There is no one there my age everyone is at least 50+ and I think that is what I love about it most. I love old people, listening to all their stories about hunting and the careers they used to have. They just about talk your ear off. I was sitting in my comfy chair waiting for the nurse to come hook me up, when an old man came in and sat to the chair next to me, he said, "You're way too young to be in here" It kinda made me smile. There was this other old man that just thought my mom was gorgeous, which she is. It was so cute! It makes me happy that I am not the only one going through this at the time. But it also breaks my heart because every one of those chairs was taken up and there were people waiting in the lobby for seats to become available. And this is just at one hospital. I can't believe how many people have cancer. It breaks my heart. I can't stand of the thought. I love being in there because I feel safe and taken care of. I love seeing all the cute old lady's wigs and how they give me advice and I love listening to their stories. I forgot to mention that my chemo takes about 2-3 hours. So I am there for quite some time. Your family and friends are allowed to come in and stay with you. They have candy and this sweet lady yesterday brought in cookies. Sorry I keep rambling. It is just something about all those people that I have a connection to. I love them and wish them the best.

I am so thankful for everything I have been given. I feel so lucky to be where I am at. There is no other part of life I'd rather be living. I am so thankful for everyone that has donated money into my Cancer fund. Thank you, thank you! I am truly blessed.

Xoxox

I love reading something inspirational, and it makes me cry.
I love watching a good movie, and it makes me cry.
I love reading something nice someone said, and it makes me cry.
If something makes me cry those happy tears, their job is done.

I'm heaven sent, don't you dare forget.

Everything starts tomorrow.. I feel like tomorrow I will start a new life. A different life. I am not quite sure how different it's going to be. I hope it is a life I love and admire, which I am sure it will be. I hope on the days I am not feeling my best I remember how lucky and strong I am. I hope I can stay positive and happy through the hard times. The last thing I want is to be upset, sad, and angry. I know I will have my good and bad days. But on those bad days, no matter what, I need to stay positive. I can't let this get the best of me. That is how I will lose this battle. I can't wait to overcome this disease. I can't wait to hear the doctor's say, "You've beat this! You have overcome this! You are healthy!" One day I hope to hear this amazing news! My life has changed so drastically this past month I can hardly believe it. I am lucky to have found out sooner rather than later. Being so young you'd think I'd be weak. But that isn't the case. Maybe it's my attitude toward all of this news, i'm not sure. I am just thankful to be happy and loved. Everyday there is at least one thing to smile about. I have a million things to smile about! That is what I will remember. I'm ready for tomorrow and anything else that heads my way.. Bring it on!

thoughts become things

As I become further into my journey I find myself more grateful. I always thought I knew what life was about. I now know what it's about. My mindset is totally different then before. I know what is important, and what isn't. This is a great feeling.

I start my chemotherapy this Thursday.. I should be scared and nervous, but i'm not. I am more relieved and anxious, almost happy. I'm very curious. Curious about how I am going to feel. Mentally and physically. Will I absolutely hate it? Or will I find that it isn't as bas as I thought? Either way I am going to be happy. I am going to live my life as normal as I can. I still want to do all the things that make me happy. I want to live my life, and I am going to.

I have been doing a lot of reading lately. I love it. Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus is such a great book. I think every girl and every guy should read it. (Even though Danny won't.. rude!) It totally makes sense. I finally understand a lot about Danny that I thought I already knew. I am more understanding of the things he does and the things he needs. It's a relief. I never knew guys were so needy in certain ways. Sometimes I mistrust him when I don't really mean to. It's good to know what I am doing right and wrong.

I am chopping off my hair tomorrow. Think I am going to do a cute A-line. I am kinda excited because I love short hair but I am also sad because my hair has gotten so long, the way I want it and I am going to miss it. I think cutting it short will be better for when I start to lose my hair. It won't be as much of a shock.

I will keep you all updated. No doctor's appointments until Thursday. Thursday, I meet with my surgeon so he can check and see how I am healing. I also meet with a lady at the hospital to talk about and look at some wigs. And after that is when I will have my first chemo session! I am so thankful for this beautiful life I have been given. I am so thankful I get to share it with such amazing, supportive people. God has given me everything I could ever ask for and I thank him everyday for everything I have.

Xoxox

surreal

Have you ever felt like what was happening to you during a moment was fake, like a dream, a nightmare. It felt as though it wasn't real. I have had a few of those moments in my life. I had another one today..

Danny, I, Luke, and Soph were on our way to my aunt and uncle's house for dinner with the fam. Ready for a good night, I was excited to see everyone and we were having tacos! Mmm absolutely love tacos. Anyway on our way there the dogs were in my lap, Danny was driving. I roll the window down so my babies can stick their cute little heads out the window because that is something they love and I spoil the shit out of them. We were just about to go on the overpass on Antelope Drive when I watched my sweet little Lukey jump out of the window of our moving car.. I was silent for a second.. Almost like I couldn't speak. Finally I yell to Danny, "Luke jumped out the window!!" Danny pulls the car over, gets out to chase him down. I am still in the car in shock. I turn around and look behind me.. I see Luke running down Antelope in the midst of traffic. I roll up my window so Soph doesn't do the same thing and I start running down the street. It was unreal. A feeling I can't describe. I am running through traffic like I am invisible. I don't care about anything else in the world but my Luke. The car behind us stopped and tried grabbing him but Luke was so scared he kept on running. Running towards oncoming traffic. As I am running to catch up to Danny I am feeling all these emotions. Trying not to cry, thanking everyone behind us that stopped, running to get my baby. It was almost like my life flashed before my eyes. Losing Luke I just couldn't handle right now. Luckily somehow someway Luke stopped himself from running into the oncoming traffic. He wound up under some ladies car that was thankfully stopped. He was so scared and shaking when Danny finally got a hold of him. I was so relieved but still so in shock at the same time. I am so thankful! So thankful that everyone who was behind us stopped. I am so thankful that he didn't run into the oncoming traffic. I am so thankful for everyone who tried and helped. And I am so thankful for Danny who picked my poor baby up! Sooo thankful. I now have learned my lesson to NEVER let them stick their heads out the car window again. After that incident we made it to dinner perfectly safe. But once I told my family what happened. I was a complete wreck. I bawled because I was still so scared. Scared of losing him. I love you Luke! Never do that to me again!

Finally! I know what is going on inside that body of mine. Hodgkin's Lymphoma, stage 3! So happy I know what is going on. I start my chemotherapy next Thursday. I am anxious. Anxious to get it over with and move on with my life. I will have chemo every two weeks. I am just very curious to know how I am going to feel during my sessions. Hopefully not too bad.

I think it is crazy how okay I am with all of this. I am not scared, not worried. I hope that isn't a bad thing. I was talking with my mom today. She was saying how she would never be able to go through something like this. She has to leave the room every time I get an IV. (not sure how you spell that) Anyway I told her, maybe that is why god didn't give you something like this to go through. Because you wouldn't be able to handle it. She totally agreed. I agree to. I believe that is why I am going through this. Because I can handle it. I am okay with that.

I went to Barnes and Noble today. And I have to say that I love that store. I was kinda looking for a book or biography on cancer or someone who went through cancer. I am curious to hear others point of view. I didn't find anything :/ I doubt I was looking in the right place. So I ended up with a planner, go ask alice, and men are from mars, women are from venus. (: I have always wanted to read that one. I would love to get a better understanding about what goes on in Danny's little head! And since I have lots of time to myself, there couldn't be a better time to do so.