In 2010 I..

Was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma.

Got a clearance puppy, Lukey!

Went on my first "real" vacation with D.

Shaved my head!

Gained 20 lbs. 
Made my wish list.
Found out how strong I can be.
Realized how much D meant to me.

Decided I wanted to go to school to be a nurse.

Became close with a few unexpected people.

Started my hope chest.
Realized I had a shopping problem.

Considered myself an alcoholic. - I never drink now. (: 
Became less confident in myself.
D and I hit our first one year mark.

Saw my Lakers play in person.

Changed my outlook on life.
Became happy with the person I've become.

In 2011 I.. 

Hope to be in remission.

Want to lose at least 20 lbs.
Hope to fit into this skirt I always wore in high school.

Want to adopt a kitten.
Want to work out everyday.
Want to start planning my wedding.
Want to see my hair grow back.
Want to be financially stable.
Hope to be going back to school.
Want to go on a vacation somewhere tropical.

Want to buy our house.
Want to start painting and decorating our house.

Want to plan something way fun for D's 21st birthday!

Want to get engaged.

Hope to still have my manager position at Boston's.
Want to eat healthier.
Want to be happy.

Day 02 - The why. Why I started blogging and the meaning behind my blog title.

The reason I started blogging was because I found one blog very inspirational. That blog was Kendra's. I found myself always reading it. She is very honest and that is one thing I look for in people. I thought starting a blog would be a great thing for me. I love to put my feelings on paper. I always hate how my hand becomes tired when I write in my journal but with a blog you don't have that problem. 

It's what got me here.. My blog is titled that because I feel having cancer has brought me to the person I am today. And that I am happy with the person I have become.

I did something off my wish list today.. wear a wig

✓

This morning my grandma, grandpa, and I drove down to Head Covers to get my wig thinned and trimmed. 

My wig looks and feels so much better than before. 

I wore it to Mimi's Cafe and we ate a yummy lunch. 

It's been very windy and rainy today so it was kind of annoying trying to  fix my wig and make sure it looked okay.

I don't think I like it as much as my cute hats and scarves though. 

I like to be comfy. My wig is itchy and uncomfortable,

but my hats are warm and comfy, that's what I like. 

I don't want to go to chemo tomorrow. 
I know I am being a baby, but I feel so great, 
I don't want to go back. I am so lucky to have chemotherapy working. 
I could be like someone else and not have it work. I am so happy it's working but I still do not want to go back. 
I hear people tell me, "It's down hill from here Kristin." "Only 6 more to go." "You are so lucky." "You think you've got it bad.." 
Now all these things are true. But I can feel how I feel. I don't want to go. 
It's easier said then done. You aren't the one sitting in that chair letting poisons invade your body. So you have no room to talk. My dad and sister are taking me to chemo tomorrow. I am happy for them to come. This will be my sisters first time coming to chemo. 
I am sad that D will be missing this one, he has to work. I told him it doesn't bother me, but it sort of does. 


I feel better venting.
Sorry for all the negativity.
xoxox

Day 01 - Me. A recent picture of me and 15 interesting facts about me.

01. I love being bald!

02. I always have an opinion.

03. I love spending time with animals more than people.

04. I have the worst anxiety.

05. Danny completes me.

06. I have to sleep with my dogs.

07. I live off Carnation instant breakfast.

08. I'm a talker, not a listener.

09. I am always on time.

10. I hate jewelry.

11. I am very emotional.

12. I only sleep with one skinny pillow. "My pancake pillow."

13. Addicted to Super Mario Bros Wii.

14. I can only read when it's quiet.

15. I am a back seat driver.

Another "30 days." This one is "30 days of me."

Day 01 - Me. A recent picture of me and 15 interesting facts about me.

Day 02 - The why. Why I started blogging and the meaning behind my blog title.

Day 03 - My family. A post about my family.

Day 04 - My friends. A post about a few of my good friends.

Day 05 - The bad habit. A habit that I wish I didn’t have.

Day 06 - A place i've been to. A picture of and a story about somewhere that I’ve been to.

Day 07 - The faves. My favorite book, movie, tv show, and artist.

Day 08 - Historical inspiration. A post about someone from history that inspires me today.

Day 09 - My dream job. A post describing my dream job.

Day 10 - Recent proud moment. Something I'm proud of in the past few days.

Day 11 - Comfort songs. Songs that I listen to when I'm happy, sad, bored, hyped, and mad.

Day 12 - Favorite foods/dream meal. A post about my favorite foods and my dream meal.

Day 13 - A recipe. Sharing one of my favorite recipes.

Day 14 - My blog friends. A post about a few of my blog friends.

Day 15 - Mini playlist. Ten songs I love right now.

Day 16 - Me. A picture of myself and a random thought.

Day 17 - The switch. A post about someone I would want to switch lives with for one day and why.

Day 18 - My dreams. Plans/dreams/goals I have.

Day 19 - Nicknames. Nicknames I have and why do I have them.

Day 20 - My dream guy. Does it need an explanation? ;)

Day 21 - Happiness. A picture of something that makes me happy.

Day 22 - My uniqueness. What makes me different from everyone else.

Day 23 - My craving. Something I crave for a lot.

Day 24 - A letter. A letter to my parents.

Day 25 - My purse. What I carry around with me all the time.

Day 26 - Friendship. What friendship means to me.

Day 27 - The why. Why I am I doing this 30 day challenge?

Day 28 - Then and now. A picture of me last year and now, how have I changed since then?

Day 29 - Lessons learned. What have you learned in this past month.

Day 30 - My favorite song. My current favorite song.

A Year In Review 2010

Favorite songs of 2010

01. Firework by Katy Perry

02. Just a Dream by Nelly

03. No love by Eminem feat. Lil Wayne

04. Sleeping Sickness by City and Colour 

Favorite Movies of 2010

01. Up

02. Beverly Hills Chihuahua

03. Remember Me

04. Avatar

Favorite TV shows of 2010

01. Dexter

02. Desperate Housewives

03. Kendra

04. One Tree Hill

Favorite Eats of 2010

01. Boston's

02. Osaka

03. Chick-fil-a 

04. Guo Su

Favorite Books of 2010

01. The Guardian by Nicholas Sparks

02. Water For Elephants by Sara Gruen

03. Go Ask Alice by Author Unknown

Favorite Card Games

01. Nerts

02. Speed

Typical Prices of 2010

01. Milk $1.98

02. Cheese $2.79

03. Gas $2.98

04. Movie Theater Ticket $8.00 or $11.00 3D

What were your highlights of 2010?

If you could choose, would you..

Live your childhood over again.. Absolutely yes, as long as I can come right back to where I am.
Have grown up in a different decade or era.. If I did, I wouldn't want to grow up in the future.
Have been a more competitive kid.. I don't think so. I am very competitive.
Have learned more in the "class room of life" than in school.. Yes.
Have been a leader or a follower.. Both.
Take back something you did, if so, what.. Nothing.
Have been nicer to your parents.. Yes.
Have changed your appearance.. A little, yes.
Have worked harder in school.. YES! 
Have made more friends.. Yes. 
Have had more belongings.. I think I have enough.

What were your favorite..

Books.. I loved anything Dr. Seuss.  

Foods.. A mustard sandwich. Or doughnut holes.

Games.. Steal the flag. 

Role models.. My parents.

Hiding places.. Our shed.

Classes.. Art.

Summer vacations.. Disney Land. Great America.

Words.. Hecka.

TV shows.. Gullah Gullah Island. Little Bear.

Bedtime stories.. Don't remember any..

Campfire stories.. Anything scary.

Memories.. The catwalk

Baby-sitters.. Stephanie and Shaleah (:

Pets.. Ariel. 

Photos.. Me and my dad.

Collections or lucky charms.. Coins. Beanie Babies.

Nursery rhymes.. Humpdy Dumpdy.

It's the most wonderful time of the year?

It's Christmas Eve, and although I still have a lot of shopping to do I am finding time to blog because I haven't in awhile and I miss it. These past two days I volunteered and The Salvation Army. And I have to admit that this is something I will be doing every year. I came home after the first night in such bliss I probably glowed. I talked D's ear off for the rest of the night. I was touched, sad, happy, mad, inspired.. I was every emotion you could possibly be. I was happy to go down and help out although there is something that bothers me. We had I would say about 30 volunteers all day. Which was enough but in my eyes not enough. Sometimes I think Christmas is the worst time of the year for the people who are more worried about receiving gifts then giving them. This year all I wanted was my Hope chest, I got it and that is probably the only thing I will get. And for once, I am happy. I need nothing more. I was disappointed. All the people in Utah and their were only 30 volunteers. Why weren't there more I kept asking myself. Because people don't care? This is what I think. But then I looked around at all the toys that were donated and I quickly remembered that people donated this stuff. D and I picked a little boy from the tree and bought him toys. My mom and I also but together packages for parents who have to stay in the hospital with their sick children who have cancer. I am also working on my packages for the american cancer society. I bought a bunch of wrapping paper and tape to take with me yesterday because people can't afford to even wrap their gifts. I have spent more money on people that I don't know then for myself or my own family. But I think that is the point of Christmas. Giving. I wish more people would realize this. I asked D the other night, think of one thing we absolutely need right now to live. Other than his job, we couldn't think of anything. We are perfectly stable with lots of things anyone would be happy to have. I look around my little apartment at everything and we look wealthy. Some families it's hard for them to put food on the table. They can't afford gifts for their children. It breaks my heart. Handing families those gifts for the kids, some would tear up. I remember one mom saying, I really need a coat for my son. She repeated this. When I looked in the bag there was a coat! I was so happy and so was she. She kept telling me God Bless you. She was so happy for that coat that she couldn't afford. Then there were some families who were greedy and this I hated. I handed the lady her bags for her kids. They all got scooters and lots of good things but she was unhappy because one of the kids wanted a bike.. Now lady I don't just have a bike for everyone. Do I look like Oprah? Your kid got a scooter so be thankful he even got that! Sheesh. There was a bunch of used bikes that people donated and I told her she could pick one from there but that wasn't good enough. She wanted a new one. I wanted to take all her gifts back and give them to children that would be happy to get them but I am too nice I told her she was out of luck and that I was sorry. So she left. Also I noticed people who came in and for the most part looked like they could afford their own gifts. I saw a lady wearing Ugg boots, bleach blonde hair, nails done, makeup on, nice jeans.. Like really lady. Quick getting your nails done for a year and that money will add up and you could purchase your own gifts. That made me mad. For the most part, a lot of these people were thankful and I was thankful that their were charities that did this for those kind of people. One thing I really liked about this was if one kid didn't get any toys but lots of clothes, I mean clothes are great because they probably really need that the most but what kid wants clothes for Christmas? I know I didn't. But because we had enough donations we had like our own little store so I was able to look at the age and go pick a cool toy for them. I loved being able to do that. I was known as the shopper. I just wanted every kid to be happy Christmas day. We were to the point where we were almost out of everything! And still had a line out the door. It was heartbreaking that I couldn't do anything about it. Luckily we received more donations the next day. So next year because I know what we ran out of this year I will be sure to buy things we really need. We were really good on toys and baby clothes. But what we need more of is Clothes for older children. Especially Boys! We need more boy everything, shoes, clothes, toys. We need clothes and shoes more than toys. Also more wrapping paper and tape. Diapers and wipes were a big one. Everyone make a mental note of this. (: I will be saving things throughout the year for next Christmas. I can hardly wait. I hope everyone has a wonderful Christmas. I've learned it's truly better to give then get!

p.s. Me, Cass, my Aunt, Grandma, Grandpa, and My grandmas neighbor are in this video (:

xoxox

Do you remember...

Your bedtime rituals.. When I was little, and it was my bedtime, I would always ask my parents to tuck me in. They always came in said goodnight, and sometimes tickled my back. I loved this when I was little. I can't wait to tuck my kids in.
What you dreamed of being when you grew up.. I always wanted to be a teacher. An elementary teacher. Or a Veterinarian. But mostly a teacher. Me and Hannah would always make the kids across the street at her moms house play school. We would be the teachers of course. We would make up worksheets, name tags, folders.. We had everything. A little school room in her moms basement. Miss those days.. 
Your idols.. As clique as it sounds, my parents will always be my idols.
A gift you made for someone.. I remember making a pine cone and dipping it in confetti, for my parents. (: 
An incident in a school lunch room.. Mr. Barton, a fifth grade teacher at Lincoln, he was never my teacher, but I always hated how we couldn't sit wherever we wanted at lunch. He made us fill one table up then the next. 
Your chores.. I remember these well. At one time in my life I was an organization freak.. not so much anymore. I made mine and Cass' chore list and I followed it almost everyday. Cass, not so much (: They were. Feed the dog. Pick up the poop. Clean room. Clean bathroom. Clean the bird cage. Feed Chloe. My chores consisted of all the animals. Because the only other person I would say who loves animals as much as I do is my dad. He would sometimes help me. But for the most part that was my job.
Who told you about the birds and the bees.. My whole life I somehow already kinda knew what was supposed to go down. But I remember my mom talking to me and Cass about it.
What you daydreamt about.. Boys.. Love.
Any childhood illnesses.. I have always been the healthiest child. Until recently. :/ I remember having the chicken pox in 6th grade on my birthday. That's it. That year I received Maddy (:
Your first big disappointment.. One year I remember wanting the Spice Girl backpack SO bad. But they were always sold out. I would see all the girls at school with them and I would always be jealous. Ten years later I now have my Spice Girl backpack. My daddy won it for me on ebay. (:
Your most embarrassing moment.. I had the flu in 3rd grade. I stayed home from school for a few days. But that Friday I had a presentation. My mom thought I was better enough to go to school and I kept telling her I wasn't. She must of thought I was trying to get out of it but right when I was in front of the class giving my presentation I threw up. Almost on my classmates sitting on the floor in front of me.. Thanks mom!

Can you describe your first..

Memory.. A memory I will never forget is one that I think defines me. My favorite memory is when my black lab Ariel had a litter of puppies. Ten of them. Five girls and five boys. This memory is something I don't remember a whole lot of detail to, that is why on my wish list I want to breed my dog to have that experience again because it was something so great. Ten puppies all to yourself for a few months. Watching them grow, watching them play. I had a name for every single one of them. It's the best feeling. Watching them go to their new homes however, that's the hard part. I couldn't bare watching my babies that I had for months now, never be there again. It's something that leaves you feeling empty. I hope they all went to happy loving homes. I was lucky to have raised those puppies during my favorite time in their life. Who doesn't love a puppy? Them being little doesn't last long enough.

Time left alone at home.. Although I don't remember this day much I remember the feeling. Being left home alone only shows that you are no longer a child. Or at least your parents don't think so. It means you've earned their trust. Something kids always want. It's a great feeling.

Day at school.. When I first moved to Utah I was in the 4th grade. I remember how nervous I was. It wasn't everyone's first day, just mine. I think that's what made me most nervous. Everyone was used to school, teachers, they had their friends. But me, I was alone and nervous. I am very shy when I first meet people. It's one quality of mine I've never grown fond of. I remember that feeling of excitement. all I wanted was to belong. Come to find I did belong, I had nothing to be nervous about. That's what I love about children. They are always excepting. Non-Judgmental. 

Punished for doing something bad.. This reminds me of the times when I did something wrong, my mom would wash my mouth out with soap. I thought it was bad then but now it's not as bad as I thought it was.

Childhood crush.. I can't help but smile when I think of this.. even the word "crush" makes me happy. My first childhood crush would be a boy named Britley. He lived down the street from me. He was a few years older than I was. We didn't go to the same school but we would always "play." I remember him always at my house or me at his. Knocking on each others doors asking "can you come out and play?" I love calling it that, play. We always found stuff to do as kids. We had great imaginations. We were constantly outside. I miss "playing" in the Cali weather with Britley.

Experience with death.. I've only felt this feeling once, it was when I was little. Tubing behind my dads boat with my mom. The rope was tied wrong. We were dragged under, I was stuck upside down in the tube but my mom pushed me out. I guess this is why I am afraid of being pulled behind a boat. I feel unsafe out there.

Great accomplishment.. "Blue Lightning" My AYSO Girls Soccer Team. We were told we would come last in this tournament but with practice we took second. I like proving people wrong. Especially when it takes hard work and determination on my part. This to me when I was little was a big accomplishment. I felt like a winner. 

Opposites Attract

I feel like I have a full time job being a book critic. I can't help myself with the books Barbara Ann Kipfer writes. I somehow find myself a lot like her. With all her books I am in the depths of them. Reading in between the lines. Can't put them down. Even if they are just lists, they are lists I can relate to. I am in a peaceful state of mind when I read every word. I hope to own all of them, someday. I am working on that at the moment. Her books are very special to me. They are great to give as gifts. They are books I am sharing with my children when they are going through difficult times, or to just make them happy. Tonight I received my latest edition, "4,000 Questions For Getting To Know Anyone And Everyone." I love it. Of course, I've started asking D a bunch of questions. I am finding out how different we are from each other. And it's true, "opposites attract." He completes me, literally. I couldn't of found anyone better to be with. I know lots of people say this and end up in divorces, break ups.. but it's true. He completes me. I am blessed to have found him sooner rather than later. Back to the point, in this  book about every few pages or so it asks you questions, gets you to thinking. I've decided I am going to post them here and answer each one as honest as I can be. Feel free to do the same, even if you don't have the book. Copy and paste them from here. Some days I have nothing to blog about, nothing exciting about my cancer filled life. It gets old quick. There is only so much you can say.. "I go to chemotherapy every two weeks, where my doctor fills my body with red poison. I feel sick and crappy but the poison seems to kill the cancer cell so I am thankful." Answering these questions will help me reflect back in my life and remember somethings worth remembering. Here I go.. 

tag..

I was tagged by Porschea (:


Four Shows I Watch: 
Dexter. Desperate Housewives. One Tree Hill. Kendra.
Four Things I'm Passionate About: 
Animals. Children. Family. D.
Four Phrases I Say A lot: 
"Love me or leave me" "Whatever" "Shut up" "Don't tell me" (:
Four Places I Would Like To Go: 
North Carolina. Bahamas. Italy. Mexico.
Four Things I Did Yesterday: 
Breakfast in bed with One Tree Hill. Had a Dexter marathon with D. 
Read my book. Took a four hour nap.. (:
Four Things I'm Looking Forward To: 
Christmas. Going back to school. My last chemotherapy. 
Hearing good news.. "I'm in remission."
Four Things I Love About Winter: 
Fresh crisp air. Snow. Comfy clothes. Christmas lights.
Four Things On My Wish List: 
Be a mom. Plant a garden. Swim with a dolphin. 
Be happy with the way I look.

I get to tag others too.. So you guys better do this (:


Cindi Amador
Cassie Correa
Kendra Bambrough
Emilie Searle

cancer sucks

One thing I dislike is revolving my life around chemotherapy. 

I have to plan things and get things done on the few days I feel good and I don't like it. Mostly because I exhaust myself trying to do the things I need to do. I mean I could try and do things on the days I don't feel good but I don't think I would get very much done. I am very happy that I have my good days, I wish I had a few more but as long as the chemotherapy is working I am the happiest girl alive. I would be devastated if it weren't. I consider myself so lucky. I am not sure how okay I would be if my doctor told me there was nothing they could do to treat my cancer. Or I could undergo chemo but there is a huge percentage that my body won't respond. I've been thinking about it a lot lately. I have been hearing stories, amazing stories about people who were told there was nothing they could do to fight off the cancer but they never lost hope. Even though all the odds were against them, they wanted to try chemo. They wanted to put up a fight. Most of them ended up living. It's crazy because it's really all about your mind set, your attitude. Instead of asking "why me?" ask yourself "why not me?" Once you lose hope, you could possibly lose your life. I am amazed by people. If I was told there was nothing they could do for my cancer I never thought I would undergo chemo. I wouldn't want to die sick and unhappy but hearing these stories gives me hope. They have changed my point of view on things and now there is no way I would ever give up. Even if I had to undergo things that would totally suck. You just never know what the outcome could be. Even with our technology, doctors never can tell. I just want a cure for cancer. I am so sick of hearing and seeing all the people with cancer. It's a horrible disease and I want nothing more than a cure. One day, I keep telling myself. One day soon.. Never lose hope.

xoxox

The storms coming.
Hoping for snow.. <3

Can't fight the tears that ain't coming..

I did something off my wish list today.. be bald for a day.. ✓
I am happy I have got to experience this.
Most people never get to. I'm thankful.


Pictures coming soon.. 
xoxox

Yesterday, I shaved my head. I am not quite sure what gave me the courage to do it because a lot of people I have heard, never get to the point to shave it they let it all fall out by itself. And I can see why people would do that. It's a hard step to make, a step that I never thought I would be able to take. Especially because I still had a head full of hair. I had a great support system there. I wasn't sure if I wanted all my friends to be there so I picked the closest ones to me. Danny, my mom, my dad, sister, aunt, uncle, Hannah, and Kylee were there and I was happy they were. Once my dad started shaving my head I was fine, he gave me a molet and we took some pictures. Some started tearing up so it made me a little sad. Once I felt my head for the first time, I realized that this as for real and it kinda freaked me out.. and once I saw myself that is when I lost it. I mean that is a huge thing to change about yourself! I hated it at first but I am getting use to it. Every time I pass a mirror I have to do a double take. When I got home I tried on all my cute hats, scarves, and wigs. D rubbed lotion on my head because it was really dry, it felt really good (: I took a shower before bed and I ABSOLUTELY LOVED IT. I instantly dried. I loved the warm water on my scalp. I loved being able to pat dry my head. It was a good feeling. I love waking up in the morning and not having to do my hair. I love going to bed without a hair net on. I love being able to roll around at night and not feel hair touching my face. I think that everyone should be bald. I was telling D.. I came up with all the reasons everyone should be bald.. Here are a few:

1. Saving money on Shampoo and Conditioner.
2. Saving money on other hair products. 
3. Saving water in the shower.
4. Saving so much time on getting ready. No straightening, blow drying, etc.. 
5. To see yourself without hair.
6. It's so convenient. So easy.
7. You get to wear so many cute things.

All around it's better for the environment. I keep finding more and more things I love about being bald. I actually have a good head for it too. No dents or anything. I also have a few freckles on my head. I wish everyone got to experience this.. It's not half as bad as I thought. I wish I would of shaved it the first thing once I found out. It would have been so much easier. I am so relieved I did it and love it. D is so cute and he keeps telling me how much he loves it and how good I look. It makes me feel good. I will be posting pictures soon. I have to look them over first. (: I am happy being bald, but I will be very happy once my hair grows back.. I think (:

xoxox

courage driven

Today is the day! After I get my pictures taken with my thin hair, I am shaving the rest.. I am so happy to have as much as I still do. But I am ready for the hair everywhere to be gone for good. I remember after my first chemotherapy the next time they asked if I had noticed any thinning. It took about the third chemo for it to start thinning. They told me after I noticed the thinning that it would start coming out in chunks and it never has. I am lucky to have not went through that. I still have a head full of hair. (I told you my hair was THICK.) I am lucky. A lot of people tell me not to shave it yet.. But I am ready to be hair free. This is a big step for me.. I am excited to be at this moment in my life. Once it's gone I have a feeling I will be relieved. I can't wait to feel what it's like to be bald. This is an experience most people never get. Soon, I get a new start.. fresh, thick, dark, strong, healthy hair. I can't wait. 

You are almost there Kristin..

Almost Cancer free.. where you want to be. 

BE STRONG, LIVE STRONG.

You can kick this (:

xoxox

the holiday

"I've found almost everything ever written about love to be true. Shakespeare said “Journeys end in lovers meeting.” What an extraordinary thought. Personally, I have not experienced anything remotely close to that, but I am more than willing to believe Shakespeare had. I suppose I think about love more than anyone really should. I am constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives. It was Shakespeare who also said “love is blind”. Now that is something I know to be true. For some quite inexplicably, love fades; for others love is simply lost. But then of course love can also be found, even if just for the night. And then, there’s another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. It's called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space! Yes, you are looking at one such individual. And I have willingly loved that man for over three miserable years! The absolute worst years of my life! The worst Christmas’, the worst Birthday’s, New Years Eve’s brought in by tears and valium. These years that I have been in love have been the darkest days of my life. All because I’ve been cursed by being in love with a man who does not and will not love me back. Oh god, just the sight of him! Heart pounding! Throat thickening! Absolutely can’t swallow! All the usual symptoms."

Being a girl isn't as amazing as it's cracked up to be, especially when you're young. Now it has it's plus's but it hasn't always been this way, this easy. I will tell you why in just one word, that word is love. It sounds simple right? Not always. Especially when it's the one most important thing you want in your life. It's a craving. Now I am not talking about just any kind of love.. not love from family, friends, or co-workers. I'm talking about raw, mad, passionate, romantic, extraordinary, butterflies in the stomach, fairytale kind of love with your "special someone." I believe we are all on this earth to find that "special someone" It sounds simple, but why is it so complicated? Maybe because there are six billion people in this world. How rare is it to find love with odds like that? I would say it's very rare, very complicated. How are you supposed to find just one person to be with forever. One person to love all the qualities you have to offer. One person with good and bad qualities you also have to accept and love. It sounds almost impossible. Once you find that meaningful love sometimes it's hard to hold on to, for plenty of reasons. Pressure, selfishness, lust, unfaithfulness, lies, drama, immaturity, indecisiveness,  insecurities. The worst thing is falling in love alone. It happens all the time, to many of us. Always wanting that person to love you back, almost needing them to. At times it's quite exhausting. To love another with all your heart and soul. To desire them. Fantasize your life with them forever and to not be loved in return. It's heartbreaking. Heartbreak is another thing that comes with love. You risk that chance every time you fall. Is the fall worth making though? I believe it is. It hurts but it's better to feel heartbreak than constant loneliness. It's worth feeling something. I say fall. You never know how fleeting that love might be unless you fall. I've learned you can't find or force love. Don't find love, let love find you. That's why it's called falling in love, because you don't force yourself to fall, you just fall..

Learn Overcome Value Encourage

Call me crazy. 
I ordered another book by Barbara Ann Kipfer. 
It's called "4,000 questions for getting to know anyone and everyone."

I'm thrilled. (:

"A dog has no use for fancy cars, big homes, or designer clothes. A water log stick will do just fine. A dog doesn't care if your rich or poor, clever or dull, smart or dumb. Give him your heart and he'll give you his. How many people can you say that about? How many people can make you feel rare, pure, and special? How many people can make you feel extraordinary?"

-Marley&Me

a miracle:

I have some amazing news.. there is no more Cancer in my spleen. No more Cancer in my neck. The mass in my chest has gone from a 12.3 to a 4.1. This is news I have been waiting for. Now I know, I understand why I have been going through all this yucky chemotherapy to get here! I need more good news like this all the time to get me through the rest of chemotherapy. I am so happy. I am so blessed. Thank you all for your prayers and positive thoughts, they are working! I learned something new today.. Never lose hope. Never. You will get to where you want to be.. It's all in your mind and hope will get you through it.

I did something off my wish list today.. start a hope chest.. ✓

Yes, it arrived in the mail today. Danny put it together and it looks beautiful. I already have a bunch of stuff to put in it but I wanted to know what other people put in their hope chest. There were a few people that did it my way but a lot of people put kitchen things in their's. I find that kind of odd but what ever makes them happy. 

In mine I put: 
My afghan's that people have made me.
Cards I have been given.
My diploma
Pictures
A few of my favorite books.
Dried flowers.
Scrapbooks
Letters to Danny.
Private things.
Valuable things.
A doll Pat&Doug gave me when I was little.
A piggy bank my Grandma gave me.
A watch my Grandma Great gave me.
My coin collection my dad gave me.
My promise ring.
Etc.. 

the wish list

be there for a baby's first step..

acknowledge my weaknesses..

find inner peace.. ✓

build my own furniture..

be bald for a day.. ✓

witness a miracle..

teach a dog a trick.. ✓

keep exotic tropical fish..

fall in love with the right person at the right time.. ✓

learn sing language.. ✓

milk a cow..

be a mom..

swim with a dolphin..

save a life..

teach a child to ride a bike..

own a cockatoo..

decorate a nursery..

learn patience..

cook pasta that's al dente..

donate my hair to locks of love..

stop being judgmental..

celebrate mardi gras in New Orleans..

order milk at a bar..

teach a child the alphabet..

give my spouse all I can give..

sew a handmade doll..

volunteer at a hospital..

attend a super bowl..

recite vows..

see the Eiffel Tower..

start a hope chest.. ✓

drink a bottle of wine that's older than I am..

break a bad habit..

learn to prepare sushi..

be happy with the way I look..

admit that I like Spam.. ✓

tour Italy on a Vespa..

keep a goldfish alive for a year.. ✓

lose twenty pounds..

plant a garden..

breed your dog to have a litter of puppies..

wear a wig..

receive a kitten..

visit a lighthouse..

have fresh roses on the table all summer long..

be a princess for a day.. ✓

over tip.. ✓

Pet Scan

Went well, and a lot quicker than last time. Although, you know that yucky, thick dye you drink before? Well it was very hard to keep that down. It look a lot of mind power and breathing. Thankfully I didn't throw it up there. My stomach held out until I got home. Lucky me. Chemo number five has been a lot different than my first four. This time I am feeling very nauseated. Throwing up at least once a day. Almost like morning sickness, as if I were pregnant. At least now I know what to look forward to during pregnancy. I have always wondered why is that when you are about to throw up your mouth waters? Why? I hate it. On a good note I am starting to feel tons better. I will get my Pet Scan results by tomorrow, hopefully. I am crossing my fingers for shrinking cancer cells. Anxious to see the results..
I started a new blog. A private one. Almost like a diary. This blog used to be that for me but since a lot of people are reading it now I find myself stopping from writing about certain things in my life. I feel like I have to leave things out to not offend people. I don't want people thinking less of me, not that they would, but that's how I feel. Not that there is anything wrong with everyone reading my blog. I actually love it. I just want a place for me, a private place I can write and write about everything. Dreams, losses, gains. Maybe someday I will share but until now, I think it's best to keep some of my life private. 

xoxox