Day 5: Something you hope to do in your life.

There are so many things I hope to do in my life. Get married. Find a career I enjoy. Buy a house. Travel. etc. But I have a number one. Something that is a must do. I hope one day I am lucky enough to be a mom. It's my dream. Always has been and always will be. I've always had what I call, "baby fever." I see babies and I am in awe. I am so jealous of all the mom's out there. They are truly blessed. I just think that a baby is so pure. It's a piece of me that I get to watch grow. I get to face every decision with that baby. It will drastically change my life, but I think it will change it in such a positive way. I can't wait until further in my life when I get this opportunity. I can't wait to witness a true miracle.

Day 4: Something you have to forgive someone for.

I've found this question a lot easier then the last. I think it's mostly because there is one thing in particular that sticks out in my brain. It's about Danny in general. Our relationship hasn't always been healthy. Some people get lucky and their relationships just work. Ours was nothing close to perfect. There were times when I thought we wouldn't make it. Times I didn't think Danny was "the one." Anyway.. Roughly a year and a half ago it wasn't an easy decision to take Danny back, in fact he had to fight for me, day in and day out. This wasn't easy mainly because he had hurt me. Hurt me like no one else has before. I cried a river over that boy. I felt betrayed and broken. He had done some things in his life that I never thought I could forgive him for. Things I will not share to the world about for his sake and mine if he is ever to read this post. But somehow along this crazy relationship of ours, I forgave him. It took some time and some determination but I did it. And I can honestly say that once I did, I was so much happier. I still am to this day. When I look back at the situation I am not sad or upset by it anymore.

I guess it's the power of forgiveness.

What a wonderful feeling it is to forgive.

Here it is 3am and I must say I am exhausted.

Not sure how my body is allowing me to still be up.

It must be because my mind can't and will not sleep.

I wanted to do my day 4 of 30 days of truth right now

because I have a busy day ahead of me tomorrow.

My blog is finally flawless.

I have been very indecisive with it lately and I now

have a piece of mind now that it is exactly what I want.

xoxox

"I'm just doing you what you wanted."

"What i wanted? I wanted you to fight for me. I wanted you to say there

is no one else that you could ever be with, and that you'd rather be alone than without me.

I wanted the Lucas Scott from the beach that night telling the world that he's the one for me."

"How was I supposed to know that?"

"You just are."

Day 3: Something you have to forgive yourself for.

I was thinking about this question all night and I still do not have a clue to what I am going to write about. I don't want to brag but there is nothing in my life that I wish I didn't do. I am very good about thinking before I attempt to do something. I look at something and ask myself, is this something I will regret later in life? Maybe someday I will think of something, but until then this is all I've got.

snow pile+melinda=no bueno

One day, Junior year, Britny and I were on our way back to school after sign language.

We were bored and noticed this snow pile..

"Try to go over it!" -Britny

"If this was your car, would you go over it?" -Kristin

"YES!" -Britny

"Okay!" -Kristin

We get going full speed try to go over the snow pile.. doesn't work.

So I put it in reverse.. doesn't budge.

"RING!" (school's out!)

People start driving by..

"Let's lay our seats back so no one knows it's us" -Kristin

Hahahahha

No one could push it out, not even with everyone that helped out!

Lexa's mom luckily had a rope we attached and she pulled Melinda out with her car.

I wanted to blog about this hilarious story because it's something

I always want to remember. I loved high school!

Day 2: Something you love about yourself.

I am an animal lover. One day I would love to have a farm.

I am ALWAYS on time. Unless Danny makes me late! (:

I am very strong. I can do anything I put my mind to.

I have a big heart. I love to love.

I am caring. Towards everything and everyone.

I only want happiness out of life.

Day 1: Something you hate about yourself.

I find this question quite hard to answer. I am very pleased with myself and who I am becoming. But there is one thing I don't like and it may be my state of mind.. I hate how I am not driven when it comes to my education. I love learning about things that interest me. But when I have to sit in a class that I absolutely hate and don't understand, I can't do it. I hate it. I am not sure if it is laziness, and it might be. I want to spend my time doing things I love. I feel as though I only live once, I don't want to spend it doing the things I don't enjoy. I envy people who love to learn. I hope one day that can be me. I know I need to be educated.

I guess I just need the strength to do it.

Do as I do.

I have been really excited to start 30 days of truth.

I noticed a few people have already started. I think it is very interesting to read about and see other's answers. There are some days when my mind is blank and I cannot think of anything to blog about.

Well, not anymore thanks to this simple idea.

30 days of truth:

Day 1: Something you hate about yourself.

Day 2: Something you love about yourself.

Day 3: Something you have to forgive yourself for.

Day 4: Something you have to forgive someone for.

Day 5: Something you hope to do in your life.

Day 6: Something you hope you never have to do.

Day 7: Someone who has made your life worth living for.

Day 8: Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like poopy.

Day 9: Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.

Day 10: Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.

Day 11: Something people seem to compliment you the most on.

Day 12: Something you never get compliments on.

Day 13: A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough days.

Day 14: A hero that has let you down.

Day 15: Something or someone you couldn’t live without.

Day 16: Someone or something you definitely could live without.

Day 17: A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.

Day 18: Your views on gay marriage.

Day 19: What do you think of religion?

Day 20: Your views on drugs and alcohol.

Day 21: Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?

Day 22: Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.

Day 23: Something you wish you had done in your life.

Day 24: Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs.

Day 25: The reason you believe you’re still alive today.

Day 26: Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

Day 27: What’s the best thing going for you right now?

Day 28: What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

Day 29: Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.

Day 30: A letter to yourself.

Life

Life is hard,

Life is tough,

You need to be strong,

And never give up

There may be days,

That never seem to end,

And you feel like you,

Don't have a friend,

But keep on walking

Down that road,

Your friends will follow

And bear your load,

But face each day,

And what it brings,

And you'll be ready,

To face any thing.

I can dream

I am so thankful for every good day I have. Like today! This round of chemo has been, let's just say, not a piece of cake. Lately I find myself afraid. I am afraid of what is to come. I came into this experience not really knowing what this was all about. I am strong when it comes to the unknown. But once I know, that is when I find myself weak. I tell Danny everyday, there isn't anyway to explain how I feel. To know, you would have to go through this yourself. It's a scary thought: This is only my second chemo treatment and it sucked! I can only imagine my 14th chemo treatment. I know I need to take it one day at a time. But I can't help but wonder and prepare myself for the days to come. I am definitely having to put up a fight. Well after all this negativity, I am still anxious to overcome this. One day at a time.

My chemo brain is finally gone! Thank goodness. I can finally blog, read, and even drive! It's a weird feeling that chemo brain. I am glad you only last a few days.

I have been told that this treatment is when I will start to notice my hair thinning. Although I haven't noticed yet.. finger's crossed. I would love to be one of the very few to not lose their hair. I know most likely I am going to but I can dream right. My mom says that no matter what we are shaving my head because we already bought my wigs. But little does she know, she's crazy!

I just wanted to thank Danny for everything he has done for me. For sticking by my side through all of the good and bad times. Someday's I forget to tell him how much I love and appreciate him and the things he does for me. I don't know where I would be without him. He keeps me calm and focused. He is my rock. I love you d!

xoxox

Mark your calendars..

I am having a medical fundraiser!

When: Tuesday November 2, 6-10pm

Where: Boston's Sports Bar & Grill, 694 West Antelope Drive Layton, UT 84041

I am so thankful for my boss and co-workers for making this possible. It's simple, come in to Boston's and eat and a portion of the proceeds will go towards my medical fund. I will be there all night and I would love to see everyone. I hope you all will be able to make it. Again, thank you all for your support. I do not know what I would do without any of you. I am truly blessed.

Chemo Brain

What is Chemo Brain?

Forgetting things that they usually have no trouble recalling -- memory lapses

Trouble concentrating -- they can't focus on what they're doing, may "space out"

Trouble remembering details like names, dates, and sometimes larger events

Trouble multi-tasking, like answering the phone while cooking, without losing track of one of them -- less ability to do more than one thing at a time.

Taking longer to finish things -- disorganized, slower thinking and processing

Trouble remembering common words -- unable to find the right words to finish a sentence

All these definitions define me and how I feel after my chemo sessions.

I find it hard to read, blog, and to do other things when I feel this way.

It's probably why I tend to not get anything done.

It's a hard thing to explain and I probably won't ever be able to explain it.

It's something you would have to go through to understand how I really feel.

I've finished A Walk to Remember, I am on to the next.. Water for Elephants. And I must say I absolutely love this book. They are making it into a movie so I wanted to read the book before it comes out. I am almost half way through. It's a little raunchy I might add but the story line is amazing (:

My next chemotherapy session is Thursday. I am not quite sure how I feel about it yet. I love going but once I start to feel good I am due for another session to put me right back where I was at the beginning, feeling not so good. Not like I have a choice or anything. It feels kinda nice getting it over with. I am excited to see everyone again. Danny was able to get off every chemo session I have so either he can take me or he can stay home and get some things done while someone else takes me. Which will be nice for him and me!

Happy Birthday Mom, Grandma, and Bailey! (: Going to Boston's for lunch. Pretty excited about it. I have been craving their food for awhile now. I need to get back into my working mode while I feel good.

xoxox

PURPLE!

Is the color of Hodgkin's Lymphoma Awareness!

Which is crazy because that is my favorite color. Must mean something!

I found this cute website today www.thehodgeshop.com

I just might have to buy a few things. (:

Cancer is a word, not a sentence.

So I have officially overcome my first chemotherapy experience! It feels great, I feel great. Bring on the next one! I had a doctor's appointment this morning. I have been having some MILD pains near my heart. Which I didn't think were a big deal, but you can never be too safe so I called and Dr. Hansen wanted me to come in today to have a look at things. Got my finger poked, and all my blood cells are normal, which is a good thing. Dr. Hansen listened to my heart and lungs, everything sounded good. Also, the lymphnodes in my neck have gone down rapidly. All from just one chemotherapy. It is truly amazing that I am already having such amazing results. I am so thankful to hear good news. I was happy to go in this morning. I feel lost not having a doctor's appointment everyday! Love being there. I have been considering going to school to do something in the hospital. I have had the best experience so far with all my nurses and doctor and I just figure maybe I can make someone else's experience just as great! We will see.

I'm grateful for every new, healthy day I have.

Lance Armstrong is my new hero..
"If children have the ability to ignore all odds and percentages, then maybe we can all learn from them. When you think about it, what other choice is there but to hope? We have two options, medically and emotionally: give up, or Fight Like Hell." -Lance Armstrong

my kindle; I am IN LOVE with! My sweet Uncle Ray and Aunt Shiryn bought one for me and sent it to me. I wasn't at all expecting it. So when I opened it, I was in shock! It really is so convenient to have. It is amazing what such a little thing can do. First book I bought was A Walk to Remember. It is on my list of books I want to read. I love the movie so much but the book is even better! It's a lot different then the movie. I love Nicholas Sparks.

Went to lunch with Casey today. It was good seeing her and catching up on life. Laughing about all the fun times in high school. It was just what I needed. We have both come along way. She seems a lot more happier than she was in high school. As am I! Which is great because we know we both deserve it (:

I am so thankful to be where I am. I couldn't imagine being anywhere else. I love my life.

Today has been one of my best days so far. I am so thankful for that. I am happy for how I have been feeling lately. It hasn't been anything I can't handle. I am very strong and lately I have been wondering how can I be so strong when all this has gone wrong. My life has been flipped upside down. In a way it has been put on hold. But I truly believe it's been put on hold for a reason. I have been learning so much about myself that I never knew before. Never in my life I thought I could go through something like this. Until one day, the day I was told I had cancer. There isn't anything you can do but be strong. Whether I like it or not, I am going to go through this. I can do it angry at the world, or happy. In my mind happy was the only choice. It was the right choice. I look at it like a blessing. Because I now know what life is truly about. I remember telling everyone I was excited to start my chemotherapy. And no one really understood why I was excited. I can't really explain it either. I guess I was excited to get things going. I was excited to get healthy again. Almost anxious to. I am just thankful. Thankful for everything I have been given. I am so thankful for all the amazing people I have in my life. I am more lucky than most. I have been given a beautiful life. One I would never trade. And one I will never take for granted. Each morning I awake happy and thankful. I hope some things never change.

Day 3

I have heard you will most likely be the worst day, although I find nothing horrible about you...yet. Maybe it's because I have only had one chemo session. I have heard you are going to wear on me the more I go. But that is okay because I am not afraid of you. (:

Today I feel a little worn down. I am tired. But what is weird is that I have been craving some weird things. McDonald's french fries, bean and cheese burritos, slim jims, sushi, etc.. I wish I could crave something healthy! I am trying to stay hydrated and eat my fruits and veggies. Which I am succeeding at. I haven't really had any nauseousness. Which I am so happy about. I think that is the worst feeling ever.

It's kinda hard to explain how I feel. My mind is constantly feeling boggled. My memory is shot. I am kinda in my own little world. I am still really positive and happy. But I do feel the effects of chemo. It's a constant feeling of exhaustion.

Ask. Believe. Receive.

Yesterday I met with Dr. Varela, who is my surgeon. He wanted to take a look at how my scars were healing. He said that everything was looking really good. The next time I will see him is when my portacath is ready to come out.

Next I met with a girl named Megan. She is the patient navigator for the American Cancer Society. To me it looks like she has such a fun interesting job. I walk in and meet her, she is so cute and friendly. She hands me this gift basket with a blanket, water bottle, candy, tooth brush, toothpaste, and a book. She tells me that all this stuff was donated. Almost right then and there I lost it. I couldn't help but think how selfish I am. Here is this adorable little gift basket from someone I don't know. That basket made me so happy. Here I am worry about a new case for my phone that is freaking $30. When I could be donating or buying something for someone who deserves it. I will never forget how that made me feel and how much it changed my life. I never would of thought to donate to the American Cancer Society. I know I am only human. But I can't help and think that this is why I am going through something like this. Day by day it is opening my eyes to so many great things. I was telling this to my dad, about how grateful I was for that and he replied, "remember all those Christmas' I told you guys we were just going to donate all the money for Christmas that we have and you and your sister threw a fit.." I told him, "Your totally right. How selfish of me." I cannot wait until my journey is over and I am financially stable again so I can donate as much as I can. After she gave me that gift basket we tried on some wigs. And after trying on a bunch I finally found my favorite one! I will post some pictures soon of it. It's really similar to how my hair is cut now. Short and simple is what I wanted. She also let me pick out a few cute scarves. They are adorable. She showed me a bunch of ways I can tie them and wear them. She was so much help. Here I am getting all this stuff for free. (even my wig was free) and I know how expensive they are. I just feel so grateful. And loved. God bless all those people that made it possible for me to have all these things. I am so happy.

Alright, now to my favorite part.. Chemotherapy! I love Dr. Hansen and all his nurses. Everyone is so sweet and if it wasn't for them I am not sure I would be able to go into that office happy. I get my chemo in this room with all the other patients that are there for the same reason. I am going to describe it as like a little party. A little gathering. I absolutely love it. I kinda wish I had to go everyday! There is no one there my age everyone is at least 50+ and I think that is what I love about it most. I love old people, listening to all their stories about hunting and the careers they used to have. They just about talk your ear off. I was sitting in my comfy chair waiting for the nurse to come hook me up, when an old man came in and sat to the chair next to me, he said, "You're way too young to be in here" It kinda made me smile. There was this other old man that just thought my mom was gorgeous, which she is. It was so cute! It makes me happy that I am not the only one going through this at the time. But it also breaks my heart because every one of those chairs was taken up and there were people waiting in the lobby for seats to become available. And this is just at one hospital. I can't believe how many people have cancer. It breaks my heart. I can't stand of the thought. I love being in there because I feel safe and taken care of. I love seeing all the cute old lady's wigs and how they give me advice and I love listening to their stories. I forgot to mention that my chemo takes about 2-3 hours. So I am there for quite some time. Your family and friends are allowed to come in and stay with you. They have candy and this sweet lady yesterday brought in cookies. Sorry I keep rambling. It is just something about all those people that I have a connection to. I love them and wish them the best.

I am so thankful for everything I have been given. I feel so lucky to be where I am at. There is no other part of life I'd rather be living. I am so thankful for everyone that has donated money into my Cancer fund. Thank you, thank you! I am truly blessed.

Xoxox

I love reading something inspirational, and it makes me cry.
I love watching a good movie, and it makes me cry.
I love reading something nice someone said, and it makes me cry.
If something makes me cry those happy tears, their job is done.

I'm heaven sent, don't you dare forget.

Everything starts tomorrow.. I feel like tomorrow I will start a new life. A different life. I am not quite sure how different it's going to be. I hope it is a life I love and admire, which I am sure it will be. I hope on the days I am not feeling my best I remember how lucky and strong I am. I hope I can stay positive and happy through the hard times. The last thing I want is to be upset, sad, and angry. I know I will have my good and bad days. But on those bad days, no matter what, I need to stay positive. I can't let this get the best of me. That is how I will lose this battle. I can't wait to overcome this disease. I can't wait to hear the doctor's say, "You've beat this! You have overcome this! You are healthy!" One day I hope to hear this amazing news! My life has changed so drastically this past month I can hardly believe it. I am lucky to have found out sooner rather than later. Being so young you'd think I'd be weak. But that isn't the case. Maybe it's my attitude toward all of this news, i'm not sure. I am just thankful to be happy and loved. Everyday there is at least one thing to smile about. I have a million things to smile about! That is what I will remember. I'm ready for tomorrow and anything else that heads my way.. Bring it on!

thoughts become things

As I become further into my journey I find myself more grateful. I always thought I knew what life was about. I now know what it's about. My mindset is totally different then before. I know what is important, and what isn't. This is a great feeling.

I start my chemotherapy this Thursday.. I should be scared and nervous, but i'm not. I am more relieved and anxious, almost happy. I'm very curious. Curious about how I am going to feel. Mentally and physically. Will I absolutely hate it? Or will I find that it isn't as bas as I thought? Either way I am going to be happy. I am going to live my life as normal as I can. I still want to do all the things that make me happy. I want to live my life, and I am going to.

I have been doing a lot of reading lately. I love it. Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus is such a great book. I think every girl and every guy should read it. (Even though Danny won't.. rude!) It totally makes sense. I finally understand a lot about Danny that I thought I already knew. I am more understanding of the things he does and the things he needs. It's a relief. I never knew guys were so needy in certain ways. Sometimes I mistrust him when I don't really mean to. It's good to know what I am doing right and wrong.

I am chopping off my hair tomorrow. Think I am going to do a cute A-line. I am kinda excited because I love short hair but I am also sad because my hair has gotten so long, the way I want it and I am going to miss it. I think cutting it short will be better for when I start to lose my hair. It won't be as much of a shock.

I will keep you all updated. No doctor's appointments until Thursday. Thursday, I meet with my surgeon so he can check and see how I am healing. I also meet with a lady at the hospital to talk about and look at some wigs. And after that is when I will have my first chemo session! I am so thankful for this beautiful life I have been given. I am so thankful I get to share it with such amazing, supportive people. God has given me everything I could ever ask for and I thank him everyday for everything I have.

Xoxox

surreal

Have you ever felt like what was happening to you during a moment was fake, like a dream, a nightmare. It felt as though it wasn't real. I have had a few of those moments in my life. I had another one today..

Danny, I, Luke, and Soph were on our way to my aunt and uncle's house for dinner with the fam. Ready for a good night, I was excited to see everyone and we were having tacos! Mmm absolutely love tacos. Anyway on our way there the dogs were in my lap, Danny was driving. I roll the window down so my babies can stick their cute little heads out the window because that is something they love and I spoil the shit out of them. We were just about to go on the overpass on Antelope Drive when I watched my sweet little Lukey jump out of the window of our moving car.. I was silent for a second.. Almost like I couldn't speak. Finally I yell to Danny, "Luke jumped out the window!!" Danny pulls the car over, gets out to chase him down. I am still in the car in shock. I turn around and look behind me.. I see Luke running down Antelope in the midst of traffic. I roll up my window so Soph doesn't do the same thing and I start running down the street. It was unreal. A feeling I can't describe. I am running through traffic like I am invisible. I don't care about anything else in the world but my Luke. The car behind us stopped and tried grabbing him but Luke was so scared he kept on running. Running towards oncoming traffic. As I am running to catch up to Danny I am feeling all these emotions. Trying not to cry, thanking everyone behind us that stopped, running to get my baby. It was almost like my life flashed before my eyes. Losing Luke I just couldn't handle right now. Luckily somehow someway Luke stopped himself from running into the oncoming traffic. He wound up under some ladies car that was thankfully stopped. He was so scared and shaking when Danny finally got a hold of him. I was so relieved but still so in shock at the same time. I am so thankful! So thankful that everyone who was behind us stopped. I am so thankful that he didn't run into the oncoming traffic. I am so thankful for everyone who tried and helped. And I am so thankful for Danny who picked my poor baby up! Sooo thankful. I now have learned my lesson to NEVER let them stick their heads out the car window again. After that incident we made it to dinner perfectly safe. But once I told my family what happened. I was a complete wreck. I bawled because I was still so scared. Scared of losing him. I love you Luke! Never do that to me again!

Finally! I know what is going on inside that body of mine. Hodgkin's Lymphoma, stage 3! So happy I know what is going on. I start my chemotherapy next Thursday. I am anxious. Anxious to get it over with and move on with my life. I will have chemo every two weeks. I am just very curious to know how I am going to feel during my sessions. Hopefully not too bad.

I think it is crazy how okay I am with all of this. I am not scared, not worried. I hope that isn't a bad thing. I was talking with my mom today. She was saying how she would never be able to go through something like this. She has to leave the room every time I get an IV. (not sure how you spell that) Anyway I told her, maybe that is why god didn't give you something like this to go through. Because you wouldn't be able to handle it. She totally agreed. I agree to. I believe that is why I am going through this. Because I can handle it. I am okay with that.

I went to Barnes and Noble today. And I have to say that I love that store. I was kinda looking for a book or biography on cancer or someone who went through cancer. I am curious to hear others point of view. I didn't find anything :/ I doubt I was looking in the right place. So I ended up with a planner, go ask alice, and men are from mars, women are from venus. (: I have always wanted to read that one. I would love to get a better understanding about what goes on in Danny's little head! And since I have lots of time to myself, there couldn't be a better time to do so.