Thanksgiving

I remember last year I was going through one of the hardest things in my life.. I was sick, losing my hair, and didn't have an appetite. But this thanksgiving I am healthy and I can't even describe how happy I am. My hair is getting so long and in no time it will be exactly the length I will be happy with.
I am doing amazing. I am feeling really good and exercising everyday. It's become more and more of an addiction. Hopefully soon I can get to where I want to be. It's been sort of a struggling eating healthy but I am doing better than before.
I've been wanting to take some time and talk about how thankful and blessed I truly am. I've been really selfish lately. I have been looking more into the things that I want rather than looking at everything that I am blessed with. With the holidays close I am becoming more aware of how blessed I am.
A few things I am thankful for..
My number 1 is Danny. I am so in love with this man, I still think its crazy. I am not quite sure how I got so lucky but I can honestly say that we are together for a reason, a really great one. I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with him.
My Babies, it's silly but I love all my pets so much. They are the sweetest most precious things I have. And at times I like them more than people. They are so selfless and they love you no matter what. All they need is loyalty.
My family, we have our ups and downs but they are always there for me no matter what and I don't know what I would do without them. I love them so much.
My friends, the few that I have I can say that there is a reason for that. They are the most amazing people I have met. I have the best memories with them.
Last but not least I am SO thankful for my healthy body. I have been cancer free for 7 months and I couldn't be happier. It's made me into who I am today and I am thankful for that. All I can hope for now is to keep staying on the path I'm going on. I want nothing more than to be healthy.

Love Always, Kristin

One year

Today for some odd reason I felt like blogging. Lately it hasn't been something I've been needing or even wanting to do. I honestly don't even know how to blog anymore. I haven't been very open with the emotions I have been feeling, and I am not sure why. Maybe I am trying not to face them. I've been putting on a front and acting like everything is okay.
A year ago yesterday I found out I had Hodgkin's Lymphoma. It's a day I will never forget as much as I would like too. This year has flown by. Today I am happy and healthy. My hair is coming back curly which is crazy because it was so straight before. I am feeling great. One thing I think is really crazy is that half of this year was a complete blur. Going through chemotherapy is something I hardly remember. I chose to forget about it and never go back to that situation to feel the pain I was in then. My mind has done a terrific job forgetting about it totally. I am so happy for that.
I haven't been very thankful for everything I have and how truly lucky I am. I am working on trying to be a better person for myself and everyone I am close with. Sometimes I take things for granted. I want to start  appreciating the things that I have rather than wishing or hoping for more. To be honest I am one of the lucky ones. 

Means a lot..

"i never talked to you, in my life. saw you around at school a few times. but sometimes, when i feel low, i read your blog.
not only do your words make me feel grateful for what i do have, but i think you are a beautiful, incredibly strong young woman, and you inspire me.

keep going strong, xo."


Thanks Steph. This made my day. (:


On another note.. I rarely get on blogger anymore.. Sad I know. 
I recently have gotten into Tumblr. Check it out.

It's been awhile..

Since I last posted on this blog so I thought I would give it a whirl.
I have been doing great, cancer free and all.
I feel amazing. It's weird knowing that I don't have to go to chemo anymore. Not that I am complaining, It's been really nice to get back to my life.
I am finally back in the swing of things, work wise. I am waitressing at Boston's still and loving it. Soon I will be promoted (again) to a manager position. I am so excited and happy that this opportunity is still available to me. I also recently got another job as a nanny to a 2 month old baby boy named Brenan. He is adorable and I have already learned a lot about babies and being a parent. I will admit that it's not easy. It's a lot of work, but in a fun good way.
D and I recently got gym passes to Ogden Athletic Club. It's an amazing gym. We love it there. I am still working on losing 20 pounds. Let's just say that it's not as easy as I thought it would be. Lately I have been doing horrible at my diet. I need to get back in the swing of things.
I haven't really had the time or any urge to blog lately. I know I say this a lot. Hopefully though I will be better at it and stop neglecting my blog.

Remission

Feels GREAT.
My life is back to normal.

I love my sister

"Remember when I said... "This will all be in the past"? Well that time is almost here. Hopefully and at last. I wouldn't inflict this kind of pain on anyone, but why you of all people. What have you ever done? This tragedy we had never anticipated has got me thinking; It has me believing that the worst happens to the the best of us. Your life was perfect. You yourself was perfect. You didn't need to redefine the meaning of life. You didn't need to change the ways you lived your life and spent your nights. Unlike the ones I can name off the top of my head who do. They are the ones that need to. Need to be thankful, and grateful. Instead of deceiving and hateful. Things I never had to second guess you based on. Although this is almost over... It shouldn't have ever started in the first place. If this was gods way of opening my eyes to this beautiful life, then let me know now because that's exactly what it feels like. I'm in the process of turning my life around. Give, give, give, with very little take. Can I ask why your well being was jeopardized for my sake? I'm so thankful, yet its a bitter sweet kinda thing. Nothing compares to the feelings I'm feeling. For the rest of my life I will always remember what will soon be "At one point in time" how you opened my eyes. I'll always remember the first time I got to both, witness and feel what healing was actually like. I told you we would always be there. Especially when times got rough. But who was I kidding you didn't need us. You were always strong enough. Your independent and although it may feel as if your trapped in your own body... More importantly your free. all the things I aspire to be. All the things you inspire me to feel. You found strength within your personal struggles, without losing yourself and still remaining tolerable. You were ill for a while but you battled through without losing your smile. Because of this you are my hero and you will always remain it. You were capable of not only keeping your life but saving mine. You taught me what it could be like, simply... without saying anything. I wish I could help the world like you helped me. I want to open their eyes and teach them to not take advantage of anything, especially the people in their life. I want to show them to hold on to them with all of their might. But I doubt I can. It never made me so hopeless until now, realizing that I cant. Actions speak louder than words... Maybe that's why you had such a huge effect on me. Your one action; this only tragedy was stronger than a million words spoken could ever be. If you take your time to read; and think props to me... once again this was all you. Along with all the other times, your my inspiration. The one that inspires me to interpret my feeling into a rhyme. At first it was slowly but surely, now your speeding through this sickness like it never even phased you. The future has a lot to hold.. Part 1 is history; Today is brand new. THIS IS PART 2!
The ending of my sisters journey; <3
Whenever I start to write even when I don't know what its gonna be about at first... I always end up thinking about Kristin; How strong she is, how happy and positive she is, how she kicked that cancers ass!.. just whatever it is about her I write away like no other and it comes so naturally. That's how I know she is my biggest inspiration because when I start thinking and writing about her I never want to stop. The whole thing that happened with her makes me feel so much animosity towards people who take their lives for granted and test their limits in such wrong ways. Things that can end their life easily that can be prevented. It always has me thinking that there are always people out their dying for a life that others abuse. If you don't understand then I guess you would have to be in my shoes?
Basically what I'm sayin is... put your life to better use and make better use of your time. Because you'll never know, there might come a time that pauses or stops your life on a dime. 
Love you Kristin, your the best sisssstor anyone could ever ask for <3"

My sister wrote this for me. I am so jealous of her talent. I love you Cassidy Ann.

American Love

Exchanging beauty for the ashes
Given my heart To nothing real
I've given my heart away
To so many things
So many times I've failed
Help me stop this endless cycle
Remind me of how it can be

Take me back I surrender all
Without you my heart is broken
I never should have let you go
I never should have let you slip through my arms

As the sun sets tonight
I'll hold you with all that I am
I never should have let you go
Promise me you'll stay with me forever
Forever

Forgive me
For running so quickly to the outside

Results

I probably won't know my results until April 7th. I know it's kind of far away. 

I don't want the news over the phone and Dr. Hansen is always super busy so my next appointment is then. I want to see what he has to say and where to go from there.

 I want everything done in person, more intimately. I will keep everyone posted once I find out. 

Let the diet begin!

This morning I woke up with some motivation to start eating more healthy. This rarely happens so I thought I might as well go with it because I keep putting it off. I thought this would be the perfect time because Danny is out of town and he needs a little more convincing on eating healthy so maybe once he sees that I have bee doing great with it and keeping up he will become more motivated. Yesterday I ate nothing but yummy fatty junk. My body is not happy. I ended up doing nothing last night because I fell asleep so early. This rarely happens but I think it's just what I needed. I am also getting sick so this doesn't help much either. Anyway this morning for breakfast I had egg whites and vegetables.. (green and red peppers and broccoli.) Instead of butter I used a teaspoon of olive oil so everything wouldn't stick to the pan. I love butter and salt so usually I would of drenched it with those unhealthy things but this time I had to make myself not. It was really hard. It was actually really good and after eating I felt healthy instead of stuffed like I usually do. My main goal is to stay away from sugars and carbs and also fatty things like butter. Right now I weigh 135 and I really want to be at 115. My goal is to lose that by the end of August maybe even sooner. I want to start going to the gym regularly I have just been lazy lately. My goal is to start going after work next week because I have a pass to Lady Fitness right now. I'll let you know how things go. Thanks for reading! Happy Dieting! 

Bad vibes

I had my pet scan today, I was happy and excited going there but once I got there it felt like everything was going wrong. After I drank that yucky dye I was relaxing for about an hour and the nurse came in and said that the computers were down so it was going to be another 30 minutes. By this time I had to pee really bad and I knew I wouldn't be able to go until after the scan. Finally another hour goes by they are ready so as I am in the machine my head starts to hurt really bad. I thought my brain was going to explode. I started getting nervous and anxious. I started sweating and getting really hot. (I am very claustrophobic) Finally after 40 minutes it was over. I ran into the hospital to pee then back into my car when I started feeling sick. Luckily I had a chick fil a cup in there, I puked my guts out for 10 minutes. For some reason every time after I get a pet scan I get sick. I hate it because its literally the worst feeling ever. I got myself home and laid in bed until Danny came home for lunch, and left and now I am here blogging about my horrible day.
I was happy to see that Kendra posted something new so I read it and fell in love because I love the way she writes. I can relate to her, I love that the most. She totally understands me and I understand her. I can't wait to see her tomorrow!
Danny is leaving tomorrow with his brother and dad, not sure where really. I am going to miss him but I feel like I am ready to just hang out with my girlfriends for once. Last weekend was a lot of fun that I just want to do it again.

Questions

I stole this from Kendra.. (: Hope you don't mind.

If you had three wishes, what would you wish for?

Wish #1: A cure for cancer.

Wish #2: No more homeless animals.

Wish #3: No more abuse in any form. Animal, child, etc..

Have you ever been to a hospital? Why? 

Yes, shots, surgeries, petscans, xrays, chemotherapy..

What makes you a good person?

I am very understanding.

What is your worst weakness?

Needing someone to love me.

What is your biggest fear or worry? 

Cancer coming back. Not being able to have babies.

What do you do when you are driving alone in a car?

Turn up my music and sing!

Describe a vivid dream you have had.

Lately I have been having a lot of dreams about having hair again. :(

Who was your favorite kiss and what was it like?

My favorite kiss was my first kiss with Danny. It was gentle and meaningful.

What is going on today in the world that affects you the most?

Money!

When you are in trouble, whom do you call for help?

Danny.

Has anyone close to you passed away? Explain how you felt.

No.. I would like to keep it that way.

What is something you have always wanted to ask someone but never did? 

Why would you do that to me?

What are most proud of?

Surviving Cancer!

Who is one friend from your past you want to reconnect with?

Jen, I would like to see what she is up to now.

Have you ever had something happen to you that you thought was bad but it turned out to be for the best?
Being diagnosed with cancer.

When was the last time you were nervous?

Today.

The best part of waking up is?

The unknown of what will happen that day.

What’s the best/worst gift you’ve ever received?

Best would be my Tiffany's necklace I got from family in Cali.

Worst, there is nothing I can think of.

What did you do growing up that got you into trouble?

Sneaking out with Hannah and Danny to go pick up Christian. Ended up with a curfew ticket, all because Danny wanted a slurpee from 7 eleven. 

What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done?

Chemotherapy

If you could learn to do anything, what would it be?

Learn to play the piano.

What sound do you love?

Silence. Danny breathing. Or sounds from outside.

What was your favorite food when you were a child?

Bean and cheese burritos

What is the craziest thing you've ever done?

Survived chemotherapy.

Who is your celebirty crush?

Michael Ealy.

What do you think about before falling asleep?

How lucky I am.

What are your Sundays like?

Relaxing.

What were you doing the last time you had a good laugh?

Laughing at Danny. He always makes me laugh.

Happiest childhood memory?

Ariel having puppies!

Back to life

I haven't been on FB or Twitter for a week now, at first it was hard to pull myself away from it just because I am so used to getting on there whenever I am on my computer. And all the time on my phone. I uninstalled the apps from my phone so I don't get notifications or have to urge just to check it. I love life without those two things. I feel not apart of the social world right now and it feels great. I can't believe I have gone a week but its so worth it. I want to go even longer. I took up Foursquare, which is a social network, but since no one really has it.. yet, I enjoy it. It's fun. I am also so addicted to Words With Friends. I got Danny, Ian, and Tawnee addicted so I am happy that I have people who are literally playing me all through out the day.
Tomorrow I have my petscan. I am so happy and nervous all at the same time. It's weird that I won't be going to chemo tomorrow but I think I will be fine without it. I hope I am in remission. I can't wait to hear what Dr. Hansen thinks. I want to know where I go from here.
Maddy's vet appointment went really well yesterday. They think she might have type 3 diabetes which basically means that the diabetes might have went away. They never talk about type 3 because it is so rare. Our vet has only seen it in one other dog, which was a yellow lab like Mad. It would be crazy if Mad was one in a million. We are kinda hoping for this because insulin, syringes, and her diabetic dog food is REALLY expensive. It would be nice to use that money for others things. Either way, I just want her healthy. They are supposed to call me today with the news.
I am scheduled to work next week. I am so excited. I am started to get really bored being home all the time. Especially now that I am feeling great all day everyday. It's exciting to get back to my normal life. I am also really scared though because I don't know what I want to do about school. It's really stressing me out lately.

You get what you give

Watching all the stories and what's going on with Japan I've realized so many things. One big thing is that materialistic things don't matter. None of it. In a flash it could all be gone. But what you will have are relationships. Relationships with people. Friendships. Love. To me, love is the only thing that matters. Watching everyones belongings and cars being taken away is heartbreaking. It's hard to watch. But we can all take something from this experience and it's that materialistic things don't matter. Lets put more effort into our relationships. I dislike money being such a huge part of peoples lives. I get that money is necessary to live but something I strongly believe in, is it's better to give and give and give then get and get and get. Getting is great but giving is even better. I sometimes selfishly only think of myself but why, there are so many others to care and think about. I'm not as important as I sometimes think. I want to become more selfless. I know I am in some ways because Danny tells me all the time but I want to do more things for other people. I find enjoyment in that.

Love always, Kristin

Do you ever..

Just drive with the intentions of going nowhere. It's sorta like I am trying to escape reality, but in reality, there is no where to go other than back.
Also, whenever I am driving, I am always wondering where everyone is going. Sometimes I will look at people and cars and try to guess where they are headed.

Love Always, Kristin

Back to reality

My life is finally back to normal. Well almost. I will back on the schedule at Boston's in a few weeks. I am really excited to get back to the real world and making money. I went in there yesterday and I was so happy to see my coworkers and my managers. I have missed them so much. I can't believe I am finally done with chemo and that it's been 6 months already. Time really does fly. 
One reason I haven't been posting on here as recently is because I have started a new blog. I needed a clean slate. A fresh start. So if you would like to follow my other blog, contact me with your email and I would be happy to include you in my new blog. (Most of you) (: 

Tomorrow Danny and I are having some friends over and I am really excited. It's going to be a lot of fun catching up and just having a good time. I have a lot to do before then. Hopefully I can get everything done in time.

I am taking a break from FB and Twitter. I get too caught up in others lives when I need to get caught up in my own more. I really just want to delete it but I know that in the future I will probably want it back to keep in touch with family and friends that I no longer get to see. That is the main reason I don't. 

Next week we are finally going to finish painting the house. I am so excited. It's going to look SO MUCH BETTER then how it is now. Everything is all white and wallpapered. It's a bore. There are a lot of things we need to get for this house and I can't help but be in a hurry to get it all. Too bad money doesn't grow on trees.

The end of April I am going on a remission trip with Danny. Just to St. George to his mom's condo but it will still be so much fun. Funny thing is, that is where I went right before I found out I had cancer. Kinda weird and brings back a lot of memories. 

Other than that I am happy and healthy, I think. I have my petscan next Thursday. Once those results come back I will know whether or not I am in remission. But for some reason I can't help but think I am. I feel great. Better than ever. I can't wait to hear that good news I've been waiting to hear for 6 months now. I will go crazy until then.

Thanks for reading.

Love always, Kristin

Dear readers

I am finished with chemotherapy as of now. I have my petscan on the 24th. The results of the petscan will then tell me whether or not I am in remission. I have a feeling that I already am in remission. But I am very anxious to see the results. My next appointment with Dr. Hansen is April 7. I can't wait to see what he says, and what the next step will be. My portacath has been bugging me. It has moved, most likely over a nerve. So hopefully I will be getting it out so I am able to use my left arm. I will keep you all updated. Thanks for reading.
Love always, Kristin

Due

I'm due for a venting session. I am going mad broke. I need to start working again. I am starting to have to rely on Danny's paycheck and I hate that because he deserves his money even though we consider it our money. I know he is happy to help but I feel too dependent on someone. I hate that feeling. Almost done with chemotherapy, thank goodness because I NEED to get back on my own two feet and be stable again. I've been thinking about going on a trip somewhere once I am done with chemo. Somewhere warm and relaxing but also cheap and something we can afford. I need to get away, clear my head, and relax. I need some mental stability. I am due for a vacation with Danny. Lately I have been worried about school. I know I want to go back in the fall but I still have no idea what I want to do. I think about it every day and I still don't have an answer. I haven't really found something I am that passionate about, that I can see myself doing every day for the rest of my life. I am due for some advice. I feel like the possibilities are endless now that I won't have chemotherapy anymore. I am starting to get anxious about getting married and starting a family. I know Danny is going to pop the question sometime before the fall. I hope he does. I am due for some lecturing. I know I need to get a career and finish school before I become a mother. It would be the smartest thing. But why do I have to wait for the things I want most. I can't shake the thought that life is short. Especially with all that has been going on with me and my body. Once I hit that one year mark in remission I want to have a baby. What if the cancer does come back. I will have to wait another two years. And I don't think I can wait that long to see if it's possible that I can get pregnant. I feel kinda of depressed when people tell me I need to wait to have a baby because I feel like they are saying I won't make a good mother yet. It's my life and I feel ready. I am more selfless than I have ever been. I need to stop listening to other people's opinions. I am a big girl and so is Danny. We will always make the right decisions for us and our future family. Shouldn't that be enough for people. I am really due for some advice. Soon I want to see a doctor about my anxiety. I need some medication and some kind of talking to. I need a way of coping. I am settling with too many things in life and I don't know why. Don't I deserve the best, I am sick of settling. I feel a little different today. Anyway, thanks for listening. 

Guess who's back..

I am (: Here are some quick updates: I am starting to feel TONS better only 3 days after chemotherapy. I think that might be my record. Just have to keep taking my nausea medicine and I should be fine. Nothing new, I started reading, The Choice by Nicholas Sparks, I love it. I have a new member to the family, well sort of. My puppy Maddy is now living with us instead of at my parents. I got her in the 6th grade for my birthday and now that we have a yard she gets to stay here with me. It's been a lot of fun having her here. My baby bunnies aren't baby bunnies anymore. They are rabbits. They grew up way too fast. The house is coming along great. We love it here. I have been lazy, there are a few boxes left to unpack. We got the ceilings, doorways, and base boards painted. In a few weeks we will start doing the walls. I have some wall paper I need to rip off in the kitchen still.Basically I am just happy that I only have ONE more chemotherapy left. It feels great. I never thought I would make it to here. Glad I have. I bought a new TV for our bedroom. We love it. I hope to be blogging more.. I mean it this time.

Random thought

I never knew bunnies pooped so much..

I never knew you could have so much in common with your nail lady..

I never knew true love until my relationship with Danny..

And I never thought I could actually be a morning person..

It's surreal that I will be in remission so soon..

Ogden Athletic Club is so nice. My new home..

Yay for lazy days

Today I spent most of the day reading in bed. I haven't been feeling good lately and I have been so busy and haven't had a lot of me time so I am glad that I got to do that today. It felt really good. I finished, "the perks of being a wallflower" in just two days. When I read something that quick, you know it must be really good. It was something different. I have never read anything like it, I think that is why I enjoyed it so much. I am not sure what I am going to read now though. I love Saturday's because they are Danny's Friday's! I have been craving TGI Friday's so we are going there for dinner tonight. Tomorrow and Monday we are repainting some of the house. Not really excited about it because I just want to spend time with Danny doing nothing or at least doing something we enjoy. I am going to watch the 6th season of OTH tonight. I haven't ever seen it so I am excited to watch it. I miss blogging and want to do it more but lately I don't really have anything to write about. I have too much on my mind to write. Never felt quite like this before. D is home. Got to go (:

Drifting

I find myself drifting from my computer, this does not include twitter, since I have the app on my phone.
I found a blogger app but it doesn't find this blog for some reason.
I feel bad that I have been neglecting my blog so badly. So here is a warning.
I will probably only be posting updates about chemo and being in remission.
However I go through these fazes. 
I hope to be back in the blogging world sooner rather than later. We will see.
Thank you for reading. Hope you understand. 


Love always, Kristin

Happy Birthday, Kristin Brooke Correa

I am now 20 years old and it feels great. I was nervous about turning twenty but I think this year is easily going to be the best year of my life. It's exciting knowing this. I feel calm and at ease with whatever comes my way. I've never felt this sense of calm. My whole life I've been overcome by anxiety of things that I will never hold the power to. I've tried to take control of too many situations and I've exhausted myself in the process. I am fed up with that state of mind I've been living in the past 20 years. It's time for things to change drastically, and they already have. I honestly can't explain what has gotten me to this point but to be honest, it feels amazing. Enough with that. Valentine's Day was yesterday. I LOVE Valentine's Day! I think it has a point, I notice a lot of people always hating it or thinking it is stupid. Why do we need a day to remember love and to do something nice for our loved one, shouldn't that be every day? I think we should consider this everyday and treat everyday like it's Valentine's Day but we are human and we don't, leaving Valentine's Day special and romantic. We are busy and sometimes don't give our loved ones the time they really deserve. That is why Valentine's Day is necessary. For all of you who HATE Valentine's Day and think it is unnecessary, or dumb, "realizing I'm single day." You are wrong. That is a reason you are probably still single. You obviously aren't happy with yourself. You think you are mature for love, but you are not. What ever happened to being happy for others and realizing that your day might come too when you can enjoy Valentines Day with your lover. Once you have someone are you still going to hate Valentines Day? I highly doubt it. So in conclusion, be happy for others in love. As we all know, it's not easy. Be happy for those who have worked hard for something they have. Have hope and know that one day it will happen for you too. There is no rush to fall in love. When the time is right you will have it. I was a little taken back with people's negative posts on FB. Again, FB.. I should seriously delete it but I find it a great way for communication, in a way. I am not very confrontational that is why I post something here and not there, because I feel safer here. Now on to my birthday and my Valentine's Day. I love that Danny says, "it's your birthday before Valentine's Day. It makes me feel special. I am literally his Valentine. My birthday started off as any regular day, D and I got up sorta early but slept in a little. I was craving McDonalds breakfast so he went and got us that. After we ate we got ready for the day and had some errands we needed to run. First we went to Petsmart to buy things for my bunnies, then we went to Home Depot for some things for the house. After that we drove down to Salt Lake to meet the guy with my baby bunnies, he was so cute and nice and I enjoyed talking to him. Oh on the way chemo kicked back in and I got sick :/ When we arrived home with them we were in such awe we didn't know what to do. First of all they are tiny! Little little. They were so much littler that we thought, they are also so soft and furry. They look fake. It's really amazing to hold something that small and cute. We let them jump around the backyard until one of them jumped through the fence into the neighbors yard, luckily we got it before anything worse could happen. That was the scariest moment ever, we live on a busy street and they are very fast for how little they are, anything could have happened. So my day was going great other than being sick the rest of the day. Danny got me OTH season 6&7 and my bunnies. I had a great birthday. For dinner I decided I wanted to BBQ because it was SO nice and you don't get to do that often in Utah especially in February on my birthday, I've always wanted a summer birthday. Danny made him and I bacon cheese burgers, with bbq sauce. They were so yummy! We sat outside our backyard and ate and I asked him, "How many other couples do you think are eating hamburgers in their backyard? Usually on V-day you want to be all dressed up and go out to eat somewhere expensive." He agreed and we laughed. But honestly, there is nothing I would have wanted to do more. I was so happy just to be with him. We don't have to do anything too expensive or out of the ordinary. I was just happy to be with him and spend time with him. After dinner the doorbell rang. Danny went to get it while I cleaned up. He came in with a box from UPS, it was addressed to me, I was thinking cool, maybe it's my OTH. I asked him what it was and he wasn't sure but he had a huge grin on his face. I kept saying OTH can't be that big. When he finally got it open I saw a dozen red roses, a box of chocolates, and some lavender bath soap. I was so excited and surprised  I kept asking who it was from. I got the card out and read the name at the bottom and it was from Danny. I looked at him smiling and in disbelief, I probably hurt his feelings. I've mentioned before that  he is not the most thoughtful person. So I was very taken back and excited that he actually did something for my birthday. I kept telling him thank you and how much I loved what he did. Here I was after dinner thinking I had already got my presents and my birthday was coming to an end and these show up. I am so hard to surprise because I am up in every one's business. But he did it. He surprised me for the first time in my life. I was the happiest girl in that moment. I love you DFM. Thank you for making me feel special every day. I had the best birthday and Valentine's Day ever. One thing I have been really considering doing is now that I am 20, I want to try not to consume any alcohol until I am 21. I think this would be a great challenge and worth doing. Also very hard because I have not drank for awhile now since I was diagnosed. I will be in remission in a month and at my cancer free party, I will be tempted. I want to use my self control. If I have any. I hate giving up on things so I think I am going to try and stick with it no matter what. My 21 experience will be something fun worth remembering. Who knows, I might not miss it at all and I will realize that. Best wishes to me. 

I miss

My hair
My eyelashes
& My eyebrows 

:/

OTH

One more quick thing. Danny got me One Tree Hill season 6&7 for my birthday.
I am SO excited. I cannot wait to watch them. (:

Em, I will let you borrow them after I am done watching them.

xoxox

Update

Yesterday was a busy day. My parents found a car for Cass that they really liked. It's a Jeep Grand Cherokee 1996. So my dad and I drove down to Salt Lake to take a look at it in person. I loved it and he did too. So he bought it. It already had a sound system and everything. I am a little jealous. Since we were already down there, there was this rabbit hutch I wanted to look at. I ended up buying that as well. (: Since I have a backyard, I have always wanted bunnies. I okayed it with Danny. Soon there will be another addition to the fam. My dad wanted to stop at Cabela's. I was fine with it because I had never been there before. I loved it. I am going to take up a new hobby with my dad, fishing. (I will NEVER keep the fish. I ALWAYS let them go.) I used to go with him all the time when I was little and I always had fun. My dad bought me a pink fishing pole and a pink tackle box. I am  in love with them. The reel on my pole lights up purple and green. It's pretty cool. Hopefully this summer I will be going fishing with him a lot in his boat that he recently got. I am excited. I know I am a nerd (: All I need to get is my fishing license. I got to eat my favorite food last night, Chick-fil-a. Yum. I saw Kendra there with Mike and I was so happy to finally see her. I love her. I hope things work out for her. She is the sweetest person ever. I didn't get home til really late last night because I wanted to surprise Cass. I felt bad because D was home all by himself all  night. Oh well. Tonight we are celebrating my birthday with my family. I won't be feeling good on it so before is better. We are having my favorite meal, Fried chicken and gravy, mashed potatoes, asparagus, lemon salad, and instead of having a cake I wanted a chocolate fondue fountain with strawberries to dip in it. I am so excited just thinking about it. Tomorrow is my 10th chemotherapy and to be honest I am excited. I find this weird because I am usually dreading it but I think I am ready to be done and move on with my life. Yay, almost there. There is my update. I need to go grocery shopping today. I am going to keep an open mind because I usually hate grocery shopping but today is different. I will be going somewhere closer to the house to a new store and I won't have to carry the groceries up a flight of stairs. (: I probably won't be blogging for awhile due to chemo brain. But I will be back before you know it. Everyone have a great week. (:

I'm back

I missed a day due to moving and unpacking. Also the Super Bowl. I am thrilled that Green Bay won. I wanted them to. It was a good, close game. I want to go to a Super Bowl game SO bad. Raiders please! Maybe someday. The unpacking is coming along great. I am in no rush but I kinda feel rushed with chemo coming up and all. I am happy to be even closer to the hospital. That way I can take myself to get my shot the next day after chemo. I won't have to have someone take me. I've got to make this post quick because we still have a few more trips back to the apartment. Then I will deep clean the apartment and hopefully someone will rent it out before march so we can get out of paying that month. Thankfully Danny hooked up cable and internet so I won't have to wait to blog or watch my shows. The Bachelor is making me nervous. I wonder what will happen tonight. I am starting to like Twitter more than Facebook. Never thought I would say that. Facebook is becoming Myspace. Too much drama and negativity for me. Especially from certain people who have nothing better to so than bitch about others. It's annoying. Who am I to judge though. I hope to make a better post later tonight. Like I said I am kinda in a hurry and are just writing my thoughts. Thanks for listening. 

Truth

Getting cancer was a good thing. It helped me prioritize my life and realize the things that actually matter. It's blessed me and helped me to be a better person. I am truly grateful for its teachings and I hope that I can remember what got me here. I am happy to be where I am. Thanks to cancer I can get back to the things I enjoy most. Life has been a learning experience for me. And now is the time to get it right. I can't wait to see what life has in store for me.

Lately

I am doing really good. I am feeling good. I am totally happy. And for once I am feeling healthy. As healthy as a cancer patient can be. I have lots I need to catch you up on. I've been so busy packing and shopping around for things we need for the house that I have once again been neglecting my blog. Oops.
Like B Davis would say,

"Someone once said, 

It's the good girls who keep diaries. 

The bad girls never have the time. 

Me, I just want to live a life I'm gonna remember. 

Even if I don't write it down."

One of my favorite quotes! Packing is coming along great. I never really knew how much crap we really had in this tiny apartment. I thought it was going to be a lot easier than it really is. I haven't had much help, not even from Danny because he has been working all week. So I do what I can and he lifts everything because I am so weak. :/ It's been good for me to be doing something other than just sitting around or even sleeping. I am so happy that I have had a long feel good week. It seems like chemo is getting a lot easier. Knock on wood. I am down for five days at the most and then I am feeling okay for the rest of the time. I have noticed that I am a lot more tired than I've ever been. After a long day of packing and moving I am so ready for bed that I have no trouble falling asleep. Now I know what it's like to be exhausted and to sleep well. In a month I will be in remission forever. I can't wait. I am so close I almost can't believe it. Just yesterday it feels like I was sitting in the clinic with my grandma finding out that there was something in the xray. Now I am 3 away from my new life! I am so happy. Last night I got to see Emilie and Cody. I was so happy to see them. My mom does glitter toes so they came and got their's done. They turned out really cute. We got to talk about things. I don't know much about them even though we graduated together and it makes me sad that we weren't friends in high school. But at least now we can be. Pretty soon I hope to start having bachelor parties on Monday night. I also want to throw a little house warming party once I am all moved in. I think that would be fun. I will definitely be throwing a cancer free party! That is what I am most excited for. I think I am ready to start working again. Once I am through with chemo I can't wait to get back in the routine of working. I am mostly excited because the money I make will be mine. And not spent on bills or dumb things like that. Now I can buy things for myself and the house. It's exciting. I owe a huge thank you to Kendra. Lately she is who I go to when I am in need of some reassurance. Mainly because we are so much alike. She definitely knows what to say and when. I love that. It's crazy because we were once enemies, but we were also dumb immature high schoolers. I am so happy that we were able to put the past aside and start fresh. It's a big breath of fresh air to be able to do that with others. I have been juggling between Clearfield and Ogden lately and let me just say that I absolutely love Ogden. I never thought I could actually see myself ever living there but now I don't want to leave. It's so close to everything. It's city life but not too much city like Salt Lake. I've come to the mind set that cancer won't be back anytime soon. And if it somehow does come back, I will kick butt just like I have in the past. I am tired of living in fear. I want to be happy in mind and body. The only way I can truly be that is to take a breath and not worry what the future will bring. I am not there yet. I am here. So I am going to be blissful when I am healthy, also blissful when I am not. I hope that I can keep my mind in a peaceful place. It's work but it's worth working on. I hope to be back to blogging at least once a day once I am done packing and moving and we are stable at our new place. I've missed it. Thanks for listening. Have a great weekend!

Hope

I've been thinking lately about reading the bible. I've never really had the urge to read it even when I was active in church. Not quite sure why I want to read it or what has come over me. I wonder if that is normal or maybe even weird of me to want to. I think it could possibly be helpful to me in some ways. I don't see anything wrong or bad about it. I've always wondered what it's truly about or what I will make it to be. It might be able to answer my fears and questions about religion. All types. Maybe I can finally find something to believe in. Something I believe in, not what others are making or forcing me to. I have learned something about myself and that is that I need something to believe in. 

Bipolar

I had big plans for today. I was going to go grocery shopping. I wanted to finish packing. I have a lot I need to catch up on. I am behind in my books. Looks like that is all going to have to wait.. because when I woke up this morning I was nauseous and felt sick to my stomach. I hurried and took a anti nausea pill but it was too late by then. I threw up and let me just say that I will never eat Chili's boneless buffalo bites again. :( I am sad about because they used to be my favorite. On our way to the house last night we ordered Chili's to go, I picked it up and met Danny at the house. We are there and he put together my new desk I bought. It's beautiful I will post pictures soon. Our house is starting to look more and more like ours. Anyway waking up this morning with the worst heartburn got me to thinking why is this happening. I ate Chili's last night. My body should have already digested it. WRONG! I have been sick all morning leaving me pretty pissed and upset. I have lots to do in so little time. Please body, just work with me! I am waiting for some Samsung person to come and fix our TV last thing I wanted to do this morning. I need to be in bed. Sweet Danny tried to call and reschedule it so I could go back to bed but there would be a $75 dollar cancellation fee. Now I am sorry but that is a little ridiculous. Come on shit happens. I am going through chemo, and to be honest I never really know how my days are gonna be. I can't believe it would cost that much money to have someone come on another day. I hate Samsung right now! Make better crap so I can watch my favorite shows and be sick in bed. Oops now I kinda feel bad talking all this crap because the Samsung guy just showed up and he is so nice and cute. I love old people (:  As you can tell I am very bipolar. Poor Danny is the one who has to put up with me every day. :/ Enough complaining already so I will talk about something I love. This house. I can't even tell you how excited and happy I am. I love change and this house is a huge change. This is something I have only thought about and now it's happening in real life. I am thrilled. The thing is the house need A LOT of work. But I like that, I have things I can fix and tinker with. Everything isn't perfect and I like that. I am happy and I will be even happier once everything is moved in there. Yay! (:

call it what you want

I was feeling down but then I remembered it's February 1st! I love February. Not only is it my birthday month it's also a month for love. Love, hearts, candy, chocolates, purple, pink, surprises, gifts, jewelry, valentines, cupid.. I've come to love that my birthday falls on Valentine's Day. I used to hate it because if I didn't have a valentine I would be sad and if my friends did have valentines and I didn't, then I wouldn't be able to do anything for my birthday. But luckily that never happened and now that I have a valentine every year, I have nothing to worry about. 


It's official, we are moving this weekend. I am so ready to be out of this apartment. I am going stir crazy. I can't wait to save and put away Danny's paychecks each month instead of it all going to rent. We are both pretty sure we might stay in this house until we are both done with school.. This could be awhile but we would never be broke and would actually have a lot of money. Realistically it would be the best thing to do right now. We could live in comfort than in debt. We are wanting to fix the house up a little bit. It is in some serious need of TLC. The thing I am most excited about is having a yard. I can't wait to mow the lawn and plant flowers, and finally start my own garden. Ready for spring and summer. 

February 1st Agenda:

11am-blog

12pm-pack

1pm-pack

2pm-watch The Talk

3pm-watch Dr. Phil

4pm-pack

5pm-pack

6pm-pack

7pm-pack

8pm-settle on the couch with d.

9pm-read my love dare

10pm-go nigh nigh

*my day consists of packing, as you see. I am going to do my best and get everything ready for the big move. 

p.s. On my last post when I told you anxiety can take off years of your life.. I really meant stress.. sorry to misinform all of you. My mistake I read it wrong. Stress can take those years from you. Maybe not a huge difference but it might be to some of you.

Happy Blogging!

too good to be true

Now that my "chemo brain" is finally gone I can stop neglecting my blog. I am starting to feel better, still just a little tired and beat up but before you know it I will be back to normal. 9 down 3 more to go! I can't even tell you how excited I am to be done. It's almost too good to be true. I was reading Self Matters last night and I was reading about anxiety and how it can take off 10 years or more of your life. This worries me because my anxiety is very bad and cancer is already taking off years of my life so I keep thinking I'll be lucky if I make it to 40! Really, I could be terribly wrong but what if I'm not. I hate having to worry over everything. I am going to try to get my mind to work in other ways. Better ways that aren't a waste of my time. I am in need of healthy thinking. This is going to be hard and will probably take some time. But I am going to stick with it and stop exhausting my brain and put it to better use. Hopefully this isn't too much to ask. I think I can do it. Hopefully.
random thoughts;
*I am loving this snow.
*14 days til I turn 20!
*Happy 40th Auntie! I love you!
*Missing my Cali family already.
*Really craving a nutty coconut sundae from Baskin Robins.
*3 more 3 more 3 more!
*I love Valentines Day!
*Something I learned recently, there is nothing to be afraid of.

A recent horoscope

Aquarius January 26 2011;
True friendship is not tested during the happiest of times. It's easy to be loyal and supportive of someone who is doing well, and when all the elements are working in their favor. It's easy to love a successful person, especially when you benefit from that success. If you recently endured a hardship of some kind, and a certain friend was not there for you in the way you hoped, you have seen that person's true colors. Be happy that you know the score. Despite this, 2011 will actually be an excellent year for you in terms of friendships. A remarkable new friendship is on the horizon.

Self Matters

I found my new favorite book store where I can get the best books for the cheapest price.. The D.I. I am serious. But you have to dig to find what you are looking for. I am the biggest Dr. Phil fan! So while I was there the other day I saw a few books by Dr. Phil and I found this one, it's called "Self Matters." This book was originally $20 and I got it for $3. (There were a a lot more of this one book, but like I said, you just have to dig.) I am still only on the first chapter but I absolutely love this book. It's really all about finding yourself and making yourself happy. It's very life changing. I never knew he went through all of these things. All of these emotions. He is brilliant. I highly would recommend this to anyone who needs a little inspiration in their life. This book has helped me cope and become a better person, for myself and for others. I can't wait to find out more things I can do to be where I want to be. It's exciting.

I'll be just fine pretending I'm not.

Let's just stop, drop everything,
forget each other's names,
And just walk away.

Turn around and head in different directions,
Like we never, it's like we never knew each other at all.
We said what we feel, then we stop ourselves, 
And just walk away.
Never looking back, 
Loving every second of it, 
we just walk away.

This is probably the best, 
not to mention the worst idea, 
that I have ever had.

Ignoring what we've loved, 
Overlooking what we've done, 
No awkward silences, no hiding any truths
What do you say?

We say what we feel, 
Then we stop ourselves, 
And just walk away.
Never looking back, 
Loving every second of it, 
We just walk away.

Let's just stop,
Drop everything,
Forget each other's names,
Can we please just walk away?
It could be... could be...
Like we never knew each other at all.

Answer me!
All egos aside, what do you say? 

I surrender

On my "30 days of me" 
I am bored of it. 
So I am not going to finish the rest.
Hope you don't mind.

My purse.

In my Communications class in high school, my teacher picked me to empty my purse and go through everything I had inside of it. I carry everything around with me, which is why she picked me to do this is because I had so much stuff in there. Very personal things I might add. Anyway after she went through everything, my class had to describe me by just the stuff that was in my purse. I was nervous for this because I thought some might say some hurtful things luckily no one did and everyone was really nice. I loved this class and I will always remember the awesome lessons Mrs. Thompson taught us.
What I carry around with me all the time:
Gum
An Umbrella
Pens
My phone
My quote book
A book I am reading
Midol
Tylenol
My numbing cream
A water bottle
Bobby pins
A lighter
My wallet
Money
There are a lot more, these are just a few things.

d a y t w e n t y f i v e

A letter

Dear Mom & Dad,
Over the past year I have realized so much about our relationships. They weren't always the best but for the most part I've always thought highly of you guys as parents. I thought you were great. You raised me, in my eyes, perfectly. I don't think I would of changed much. I had discipline. I think that is something very important. You were never my best friend, you were my parents. I agree that every child should have a parent, not a best friend. This is something that I will take and apply it in my life when I have someday have kids. Now though, I would consider you guys my best friends. Now that I am old enough and on my own I think we have a stronger and more understanding relationship towards each other. I haven't always been perfect and there have been times when I have disappointed you but no matter what I do I know you guys will never look down on me. I love that. There is one thing that I wanted to tell you guys and that is I am worried about my sister. This is more for mom because dad has always been the disciplinary and all of a sudden he isn't. Cass needs discipline or she is never going to learn. She will never get her grades up. She needs parents not best friends. I love you both very much. Thank you for being so strong and for teaching me the things I know today. I am happy to call you both my parents. 

Love Always, Your Special K

d a y t w e n t y f o u r

People like you keep me going.

Emilie thank you for taking the time to read my blog and to write something on yours about me, I loved it. It's people like this that keep me going. Keep me happy. I can't thank you enough. xoxox

"I feel like I blog too much.  I have kind of replaced my journal with my blog.  But that's ok because I love it.  And right now I have something to say.  Have you ever met someone who could of taken the words straight out of your mouth?  Because you are that much alike?  Let me tell you what, I thought I knew what this felt like, until I started learning who Kristin is.  It BLOWS my mind how much alike we are.  Not only as people, but with our relationships.  Reading her blog post just now is exactly how I feel.  I am not exaggerating in the slightest.  Our relationships are so similar, yet I know they are very different.  Me and Erick are just like her and Danny.  We are SO different.  I stress so easily, and he is so laid-back.  I cry all the time and he hardly cries at all.  Reading this post (and I really hope Kristin doesn't mind me putting this on hers) I am real sorry if you do, but reading this post hit me like a ton of bricks.  Kristin: I don't think you even understand how much I feel your pain/happiness. I am so happy that I read your post and that I have someone that can relate to me so much. Erick is just like Danny where I can pour my heart out and he has that reaction, but it doesn't change the fact that he is my best friend and my other half.  I love that I/we are not the only ones that have gone through things and have moments of questioning our relationship only to realize what we would give up is far greater that what we would gain from breaking up.  
I need to play with Kristin! She could be my twin, freckles, weight loss and all.  She truly inspires me and I hope the best for her.  (:"

"if you don't want to read, i don't blame you"

I've finally come to the realization that I am on fb way too much. Not that it is necessarily a bad thing, I love knowing what others are up to, or hearing quotes that I haven't heard before. I think it's great how others open up somehow by something so little as a status. But maybe it is a bad thing. I usually am on when I am bored or have some extra time, but lately all my time is extra time. I'm lucky for my fund and Danny who has been supporting me lately, in anything I want. I feel a little spoiled, not that I don't deserve it because I think I do. What girl doesn't want a man to spoil them. As long as I don't let it get to my head. Through this journey I've learned a lot about myself. Thinking back to the day I was diagnosed with cancer, I can replay the whole day in my head. Everything I did. My life had never been completely flipped upside down on me before. I wasn't sure who to turn to. I probably did the worst thing I could do and put all my walls up. The people that actually have taken the time to get to know me know that I like to hide and take matters in my own hands. I don't feel like sharing or talking about my feelings at the time of my hardest days. I sit and sulk by myself and like it. I get annoyed when people (mostly my mom) but in and tell me that I need to get out and do something, or call a friend to talk or hang out because really, no I don't have to or have any urge to. I should, I am the worst friend when I am going through probably some of the hardest times of my life, I do hate this about myself but sometimes I need "me" time. Sometimes I just want to be alone and take care of myself. I do not think anything is wrong with this because this is MY way of coping. So please understand, I am not depressed I just like to be alone. I am my own best friend at times and I am the best friend I have. Let me cope my way and you cope your way. I've been a little anxious lately. Time seems to be going by so fast all of a sudden. Very soon I will get to start my new life. Only 48 more days until I should have my last chemotherapy. One thing I am so excited about is getting to grow my hair back. As much as I have loved this experience and being without hair, I can't wait to have hair again. I miss it so much, more than I ever thought I would. I am also excited to get back in shape. I have an ideal weight that I won't be totally happy until I reach it. 115. My new favorite number. I am excited to start working out and getting healthy again. I want to maintain this weight. I've heard it's hard, especially to keep it off once it's gone. But I've been fighting cancer for months now so honestly I've learned, anything is possible. It has everything to do with your mind set. Hopefully this summer I can lose all the weight I've gained. This fall it is another one of my goals to be back in school. I've been thinking a lot about what I want to do still. It kind of sucks. I thought I had it all planned out. I would love to be a nurse. I know I'd be great at it in some ways. I hate hurting people especially physically so needles and IVs really aren't my thing. I've always wanted to be a teacher. There is that dream. Or maybe even a vet. I know I can do whatever I want to do. I can take the time to really think as well it's just hard. I'm too anxious to get a degree in literally anything and to find a job so I can do the one thing I want most, be a mom. This will be my job hopefully until my babies grow up. Hopefully we can live on just D's income for awhile. I don't want to miss a moment in my child's life especially when they are little. Maybe I can work part time instead of not at all. We will see. I'm also in a hurry to get married. I wish weddings weren't so expensive. I want a big wedding but that takes a lot of money so maybe a small one will have to do. Either way I will be happy just to marry him. Another thing I wanted to add was something that has been weighing heavily on my mind. I know this is MY blog and MY place for ME. Danny is a HUGE part of my life but sometimes I feel like I talk about him too much in my blog. I don't want others turning away from reading because I feel like I brag about how happy I am and lucky. Like I said, I don't like hurting people and I know I would be a little anxious to find love because I was always that way. Maybe even a little jealous of others, but don't get me wrong. I am always happy to hear other people and their relationships working. Having your relationship work is a blessing but also it is something you constantly have to work out. Love does not come easy. I will tell you that. We sometimes still question and have to think about if we are right for another. And luckily when we have these moments, we always come to the agreement that neither of us wants to go anywhere, no matter what. Danny and I have this book, well I have this book that I wrote Danny in high school when we weren't together. It's my feelings and frustrations. I wrote in it last night as I try to often. This letter to Danny was probably the deepest thing that I have ever written anyone. I've never felt that way when writing and I literally couldn't stop and I fought through the tears when I finished I wasn't sure whether I wanted him to read it now or later in life. I decided later. I mentioned it today, you know, just in case something were to happen to me suddenly, although I hope I never leave him and for more time to come for us. I wanted him to kinda get the idea in his head so he would know it was there to read whenever he needed to. I hated his reaction. I felt a little vulnerable and I put a lot of heart into that letter. It was on his lunch break and he was frustrated with work so I understand but still at least show a little emotion. When I am home I almost leave my troubles at the door unless I need his opinion on what I should do. After writing this letter last night I tried to fall asleep but I couldn't which isn't something that surprises me because this happens every night. I decided to pray. Now I do pray often, in my way but I don't think it is the "proper" way, if there is one. This prayer was different. It was long and emotional but I felt like someone or something was listening, other than my cute Sophie who was up licking my salty tears all night while Lukey and Danny slept in silence having no idea, this often happens but this is how I like it. Sometimes I feel like Danny doesn't know how to take my emotional happy or sad tears. He tries but I know I make him feel uncomfortable. Which is fine because I know he isn't very emotional. Sometimes I have no idea why he wants to be with me or why I want to be with him. We are so different. Somehow though in this crazy life through these crazy times, we work. I or even you probably will never understand but for some reason I like it. After working so hard for so long for something that I wanted so bad, I actually got it. Him. Never thought I would be here saying this because it still feels and sounds too good to be true. One thing I've been thinking about lately is couples. Sparks vs comfort. Now honestly, you tell me which one you want to feel with someone. I bet almost 99% of you would pick sparks.. am I right? Well I have a question for you.. why? I've felt the "sparks" with Danny before, at the beginning of our relationship but now I am more comfortable with him than I am with myself and that is something I would never change. When I long for a kiss I don't have to be nervous about taking one anymore. I can take one whenever I please no matter what and I love that. I've had boyfriends tell me before they leave me that they don't feel that "spark" anymore when they kiss me and always ended the relationship and honestly I never understood why. This left me feeling sad and confused because I thought that's what people longed for in relationships, that comfort you know will never go away, well at least that's what I longed for. Having it is weird and at times we've questioned it but what we've been looking for is that comfort feeling, that feeling that no matter what we look like or how bad we smell waking up in the morning next to each other, we can cuddle and laugh and joke and make fun of one another. I think that is the best kind of love. I would hate walking on egg shells around each other. Wondering what to say or what I can and cannot say, not being completely honest with him. I wouldn't be able to be me. And I think that is the number one thing that is most important in a relationship is being able to be yourself around someone who can also do the same. It's the easiest and best feeling to find someone who accepts you. Who loves you, no matter what. I've learned that recently with Danny. Being bald is great for me but I don't have to look at me all day. Danny does, and sometimes I find myself insecure about it around him and he always is there to reassure me that it's okay. We have both put on more weight that we ever expected and no matter how much weight he gains I could care less, I will be concerned but if he is happy, I am happy. I love that feeling. It's something that I try and never take for granted because it is so great. One day I hope you have the chance to know what I am talking about. And hopefully you will. I think I've talked myself to sleep, hopefully. I hope tomorrow brings a beautiful day, one that I can enjoy with the people I love most. Sweet dreams. Thanks for listening, I feel a lot better.