"if you don't want to read, i don't blame you"

I've finally come to the realization that I am on fb way too much. Not that it is necessarily a bad thing, I love knowing what others are up to, or hearing quotes that I haven't heard before. I think it's great how others open up somehow by something so little as a status. But maybe it is a bad thing. I usually am on when I am bored or have some extra time, but lately all my time is extra time. I'm lucky for my fund and Danny who has been supporting me lately, in anything I want. I feel a little spoiled, not that I don't deserve it because I think I do. What girl doesn't want a man to spoil them. As long as I don't let it get to my head. Through this journey I've learned a lot about myself. Thinking back to the day I was diagnosed with cancer, I can replay the whole day in my head. Everything I did. My life had never been completely flipped upside down on me before. I wasn't sure who to turn to. I probably did the worst thing I could do and put all my walls up. The people that actually have taken the time to get to know me know that I like to hide and take matters in my own hands. I don't feel like sharing or talking about my feelings at the time of my hardest days. I sit and sulk by myself and like it. I get annoyed when people (mostly my mom) but in and tell me that I need to get out and do something, or call a friend to talk or hang out because really, no I don't have to or have any urge to. I should, I am the worst friend when I am going through probably some of the hardest times of my life, I do hate this about myself but sometimes I need "me" time. Sometimes I just want to be alone and take care of myself. I do not think anything is wrong with this because this is MY way of coping. So please understand, I am not depressed I just like to be alone. I am my own best friend at times and I am the best friend I have. Let me cope my way and you cope your way. I've been a little anxious lately. Time seems to be going by so fast all of a sudden. Very soon I will get to start my new life. Only 48 more days until I should have my last chemotherapy. One thing I am so excited about is getting to grow my hair back. As much as I have loved this experience and being without hair, I can't wait to have hair again. I miss it so much, more than I ever thought I would. I am also excited to get back in shape. I have an ideal weight that I won't be totally happy until I reach it. 115. My new favorite number. I am excited to start working out and getting healthy again. I want to maintain this weight. I've heard it's hard, especially to keep it off once it's gone. But I've been fighting cancer for months now so honestly I've learned, anything is possible. It has everything to do with your mind set. Hopefully this summer I can lose all the weight I've gained. This fall it is another one of my goals to be back in school. I've been thinking a lot about what I want to do still. It kind of sucks. I thought I had it all planned out. I would love to be a nurse. I know I'd be great at it in some ways. I hate hurting people especially physically so needles and IVs really aren't my thing. I've always wanted to be a teacher. There is that dream. Or maybe even a vet. I know I can do whatever I want to do. I can take the time to really think as well it's just hard. I'm too anxious to get a degree in literally anything and to find a job so I can do the one thing I want most, be a mom. This will be my job hopefully until my babies grow up. Hopefully we can live on just D's income for awhile. I don't want to miss a moment in my child's life especially when they are little. Maybe I can work part time instead of not at all. We will see. I'm also in a hurry to get married. I wish weddings weren't so expensive. I want a big wedding but that takes a lot of money so maybe a small one will have to do. Either way I will be happy just to marry him. Another thing I wanted to add was something that has been weighing heavily on my mind. I know this is MY blog and MY place for ME. Danny is a HUGE part of my life but sometimes I feel like I talk about him too much in my blog. I don't want others turning away from reading because I feel like I brag about how happy I am and lucky. Like I said, I don't like hurting people and I know I would be a little anxious to find love because I was always that way. Maybe even a little jealous of others, but don't get me wrong. I am always happy to hear other people and their relationships working. Having your relationship work is a blessing but also it is something you constantly have to work out. Love does not come easy. I will tell you that. We sometimes still question and have to think about if we are right for another. And luckily when we have these moments, we always come to the agreement that neither of us wants to go anywhere, no matter what. Danny and I have this book, well I have this book that I wrote Danny in high school when we weren't together. It's my feelings and frustrations. I wrote in it last night as I try to often. This letter to Danny was probably the deepest thing that I have ever written anyone. I've never felt that way when writing and I literally couldn't stop and I fought through the tears when I finished I wasn't sure whether I wanted him to read it now or later in life. I decided later. I mentioned it today, you know, just in case something were to happen to me suddenly, although I hope I never leave him and for more time to come for us. I wanted him to kinda get the idea in his head so he would know it was there to read whenever he needed to. I hated his reaction. I felt a little vulnerable and I put a lot of heart into that letter. It was on his lunch break and he was frustrated with work so I understand but still at least show a little emotion. When I am home I almost leave my troubles at the door unless I need his opinion on what I should do. After writing this letter last night I tried to fall asleep but I couldn't which isn't something that surprises me because this happens every night. I decided to pray. Now I do pray often, in my way but I don't think it is the "proper" way, if there is one. This prayer was different. It was long and emotional but I felt like someone or something was listening, other than my cute Sophie who was up licking my salty tears all night while Lukey and Danny slept in silence having no idea, this often happens but this is how I like it. Sometimes I feel like Danny doesn't know how to take my emotional happy or sad tears. He tries but I know I make him feel uncomfortable. Which is fine because I know he isn't very emotional. Sometimes I have no idea why he wants to be with me or why I want to be with him. We are so different. Somehow though in this crazy life through these crazy times, we work. I or even you probably will never understand but for some reason I like it. After working so hard for so long for something that I wanted so bad, I actually got it. Him. Never thought I would be here saying this because it still feels and sounds too good to be true. One thing I've been thinking about lately is couples. Sparks vs comfort. Now honestly, you tell me which one you want to feel with someone. I bet almost 99% of you would pick sparks.. am I right? Well I have a question for you.. why? I've felt the "sparks" with Danny before, at the beginning of our relationship but now I am more comfortable with him than I am with myself and that is something I would never change. When I long for a kiss I don't have to be nervous about taking one anymore. I can take one whenever I please no matter what and I love that. I've had boyfriends tell me before they leave me that they don't feel that "spark" anymore when they kiss me and always ended the relationship and honestly I never understood why. This left me feeling sad and confused because I thought that's what people longed for in relationships, that comfort you know will never go away, well at least that's what I longed for. Having it is weird and at times we've questioned it but what we've been looking for is that comfort feeling, that feeling that no matter what we look like or how bad we smell waking up in the morning next to each other, we can cuddle and laugh and joke and make fun of one another. I think that is the best kind of love. I would hate walking on egg shells around each other. Wondering what to say or what I can and cannot say, not being completely honest with him. I wouldn't be able to be me. And I think that is the number one thing that is most important in a relationship is being able to be yourself around someone who can also do the same. It's the easiest and best feeling to find someone who accepts you. Who loves you, no matter what. I've learned that recently with Danny. Being bald is great for me but I don't have to look at me all day. Danny does, and sometimes I find myself insecure about it around him and he always is there to reassure me that it's okay. We have both put on more weight that we ever expected and no matter how much weight he gains I could care less, I will be concerned but if he is happy, I am happy. I love that feeling. It's something that I try and never take for granted because it is so great. One day I hope you have the chance to know what I am talking about. And hopefully you will. I think I've talked myself to sleep, hopefully. I hope tomorrow brings a beautiful day, one that I can enjoy with the people I love most. Sweet dreams. Thanks for listening, I feel a lot better.