too good to be true

Now that my "chemo brain" is finally gone I can stop neglecting my blog. I am starting to feel better, still just a little tired and beat up but before you know it I will be back to normal. 9 down 3 more to go! I can't even tell you how excited I am to be done. It's almost too good to be true. I was reading Self Matters last night and I was reading about anxiety and how it can take off 10 years or more of your life. This worries me because my anxiety is very bad and cancer is already taking off years of my life so I keep thinking I'll be lucky if I make it to 40! Really, I could be terribly wrong but what if I'm not. I hate having to worry over everything. I am going to try to get my mind to work in other ways. Better ways that aren't a waste of my time. I am in need of healthy thinking. This is going to be hard and will probably take some time. But I am going to stick with it and stop exhausting my brain and put it to better use. Hopefully this isn't too much to ask. I think I can do it. Hopefully.
random thoughts;
*I am loving this snow.
*14 days til I turn 20!
*Happy 40th Auntie! I love you!
*Missing my Cali family already.
*Really craving a nutty coconut sundae from Baskin Robins.
*3 more 3 more 3 more!
*I love Valentines Day!
*Something I learned recently, there is nothing to be afraid of.

A recent horoscope

Aquarius January 26 2011;
True friendship is not tested during the happiest of times. It's easy to be loyal and supportive of someone who is doing well, and when all the elements are working in their favor. It's easy to love a successful person, especially when you benefit from that success. If you recently endured a hardship of some kind, and a certain friend was not there for you in the way you hoped, you have seen that person's true colors. Be happy that you know the score. Despite this, 2011 will actually be an excellent year for you in terms of friendships. A remarkable new friendship is on the horizon.

Self Matters

I found my new favorite book store where I can get the best books for the cheapest price.. The D.I. I am serious. But you have to dig to find what you are looking for. I am the biggest Dr. Phil fan! So while I was there the other day I saw a few books by Dr. Phil and I found this one, it's called "Self Matters." This book was originally $20 and I got it for $3. (There were a a lot more of this one book, but like I said, you just have to dig.) I am still only on the first chapter but I absolutely love this book. It's really all about finding yourself and making yourself happy. It's very life changing. I never knew he went through all of these things. All of these emotions. He is brilliant. I highly would recommend this to anyone who needs a little inspiration in their life. This book has helped me cope and become a better person, for myself and for others. I can't wait to find out more things I can do to be where I want to be. It's exciting.

I'll be just fine pretending I'm not.

Let's just stop, drop everything,
forget each other's names,
And just walk away.

Turn around and head in different directions,
Like we never, it's like we never knew each other at all.
We said what we feel, then we stop ourselves, 
And just walk away.
Never looking back, 
Loving every second of it, 
we just walk away.

This is probably the best, 
not to mention the worst idea, 
that I have ever had.

Ignoring what we've loved, 
Overlooking what we've done, 
No awkward silences, no hiding any truths
What do you say?

We say what we feel, 
Then we stop ourselves, 
And just walk away.
Never looking back, 
Loving every second of it, 
We just walk away.

Let's just stop,
Drop everything,
Forget each other's names,
Can we please just walk away?
It could be... could be...
Like we never knew each other at all.

Answer me!
All egos aside, what do you say? 

I surrender

On my "30 days of me" 
I am bored of it. 
So I am not going to finish the rest.
Hope you don't mind.

My purse.

In my Communications class in high school, my teacher picked me to empty my purse and go through everything I had inside of it. I carry everything around with me, which is why she picked me to do this is because I had so much stuff in there. Very personal things I might add. Anyway after she went through everything, my class had to describe me by just the stuff that was in my purse. I was nervous for this because I thought some might say some hurtful things luckily no one did and everyone was really nice. I loved this class and I will always remember the awesome lessons Mrs. Thompson taught us.
What I carry around with me all the time:
Gum
An Umbrella
Pens
My phone
My quote book
A book I am reading
Midol
Tylenol
My numbing cream
A water bottle
Bobby pins
A lighter
My wallet
Money
There are a lot more, these are just a few things.

d a y t w e n t y f i v e

A letter

Dear Mom & Dad,
Over the past year I have realized so much about our relationships. They weren't always the best but for the most part I've always thought highly of you guys as parents. I thought you were great. You raised me, in my eyes, perfectly. I don't think I would of changed much. I had discipline. I think that is something very important. You were never my best friend, you were my parents. I agree that every child should have a parent, not a best friend. This is something that I will take and apply it in my life when I have someday have kids. Now though, I would consider you guys my best friends. Now that I am old enough and on my own I think we have a stronger and more understanding relationship towards each other. I haven't always been perfect and there have been times when I have disappointed you but no matter what I do I know you guys will never look down on me. I love that. There is one thing that I wanted to tell you guys and that is I am worried about my sister. This is more for mom because dad has always been the disciplinary and all of a sudden he isn't. Cass needs discipline or she is never going to learn. She will never get her grades up. She needs parents not best friends. I love you both very much. Thank you for being so strong and for teaching me the things I know today. I am happy to call you both my parents. 

Love Always, Your Special K

d a y t w e n t y f o u r

People like you keep me going.

Emilie thank you for taking the time to read my blog and to write something on yours about me, I loved it. It's people like this that keep me going. Keep me happy. I can't thank you enough. xoxox

"I feel like I blog too much.  I have kind of replaced my journal with my blog.  But that's ok because I love it.  And right now I have something to say.  Have you ever met someone who could of taken the words straight out of your mouth?  Because you are that much alike?  Let me tell you what, I thought I knew what this felt like, until I started learning who Kristin is.  It BLOWS my mind how much alike we are.  Not only as people, but with our relationships.  Reading her blog post just now is exactly how I feel.  I am not exaggerating in the slightest.  Our relationships are so similar, yet I know they are very different.  Me and Erick are just like her and Danny.  We are SO different.  I stress so easily, and he is so laid-back.  I cry all the time and he hardly cries at all.  Reading this post (and I really hope Kristin doesn't mind me putting this on hers) I am real sorry if you do, but reading this post hit me like a ton of bricks.  Kristin: I don't think you even understand how much I feel your pain/happiness. I am so happy that I read your post and that I have someone that can relate to me so much. Erick is just like Danny where I can pour my heart out and he has that reaction, but it doesn't change the fact that he is my best friend and my other half.  I love that I/we are not the only ones that have gone through things and have moments of questioning our relationship only to realize what we would give up is far greater that what we would gain from breaking up.  
I need to play with Kristin! She could be my twin, freckles, weight loss and all.  She truly inspires me and I hope the best for her.  (:"

"if you don't want to read, i don't blame you"

I've finally come to the realization that I am on fb way too much. Not that it is necessarily a bad thing, I love knowing what others are up to, or hearing quotes that I haven't heard before. I think it's great how others open up somehow by something so little as a status. But maybe it is a bad thing. I usually am on when I am bored or have some extra time, but lately all my time is extra time. I'm lucky for my fund and Danny who has been supporting me lately, in anything I want. I feel a little spoiled, not that I don't deserve it because I think I do. What girl doesn't want a man to spoil them. As long as I don't let it get to my head. Through this journey I've learned a lot about myself. Thinking back to the day I was diagnosed with cancer, I can replay the whole day in my head. Everything I did. My life had never been completely flipped upside down on me before. I wasn't sure who to turn to. I probably did the worst thing I could do and put all my walls up. The people that actually have taken the time to get to know me know that I like to hide and take matters in my own hands. I don't feel like sharing or talking about my feelings at the time of my hardest days. I sit and sulk by myself and like it. I get annoyed when people (mostly my mom) but in and tell me that I need to get out and do something, or call a friend to talk or hang out because really, no I don't have to or have any urge to. I should, I am the worst friend when I am going through probably some of the hardest times of my life, I do hate this about myself but sometimes I need "me" time. Sometimes I just want to be alone and take care of myself. I do not think anything is wrong with this because this is MY way of coping. So please understand, I am not depressed I just like to be alone. I am my own best friend at times and I am the best friend I have. Let me cope my way and you cope your way. I've been a little anxious lately. Time seems to be going by so fast all of a sudden. Very soon I will get to start my new life. Only 48 more days until I should have my last chemotherapy. One thing I am so excited about is getting to grow my hair back. As much as I have loved this experience and being without hair, I can't wait to have hair again. I miss it so much, more than I ever thought I would. I am also excited to get back in shape. I have an ideal weight that I won't be totally happy until I reach it. 115. My new favorite number. I am excited to start working out and getting healthy again. I want to maintain this weight. I've heard it's hard, especially to keep it off once it's gone. But I've been fighting cancer for months now so honestly I've learned, anything is possible. It has everything to do with your mind set. Hopefully this summer I can lose all the weight I've gained. This fall it is another one of my goals to be back in school. I've been thinking a lot about what I want to do still. It kind of sucks. I thought I had it all planned out. I would love to be a nurse. I know I'd be great at it in some ways. I hate hurting people especially physically so needles and IVs really aren't my thing. I've always wanted to be a teacher. There is that dream. Or maybe even a vet. I know I can do whatever I want to do. I can take the time to really think as well it's just hard. I'm too anxious to get a degree in literally anything and to find a job so I can do the one thing I want most, be a mom. This will be my job hopefully until my babies grow up. Hopefully we can live on just D's income for awhile. I don't want to miss a moment in my child's life especially when they are little. Maybe I can work part time instead of not at all. We will see. I'm also in a hurry to get married. I wish weddings weren't so expensive. I want a big wedding but that takes a lot of money so maybe a small one will have to do. Either way I will be happy just to marry him. Another thing I wanted to add was something that has been weighing heavily on my mind. I know this is MY blog and MY place for ME. Danny is a HUGE part of my life but sometimes I feel like I talk about him too much in my blog. I don't want others turning away from reading because I feel like I brag about how happy I am and lucky. Like I said, I don't like hurting people and I know I would be a little anxious to find love because I was always that way. Maybe even a little jealous of others, but don't get me wrong. I am always happy to hear other people and their relationships working. Having your relationship work is a blessing but also it is something you constantly have to work out. Love does not come easy. I will tell you that. We sometimes still question and have to think about if we are right for another. And luckily when we have these moments, we always come to the agreement that neither of us wants to go anywhere, no matter what. Danny and I have this book, well I have this book that I wrote Danny in high school when we weren't together. It's my feelings and frustrations. I wrote in it last night as I try to often. This letter to Danny was probably the deepest thing that I have ever written anyone. I've never felt that way when writing and I literally couldn't stop and I fought through the tears when I finished I wasn't sure whether I wanted him to read it now or later in life. I decided later. I mentioned it today, you know, just in case something were to happen to me suddenly, although I hope I never leave him and for more time to come for us. I wanted him to kinda get the idea in his head so he would know it was there to read whenever he needed to. I hated his reaction. I felt a little vulnerable and I put a lot of heart into that letter. It was on his lunch break and he was frustrated with work so I understand but still at least show a little emotion. When I am home I almost leave my troubles at the door unless I need his opinion on what I should do. After writing this letter last night I tried to fall asleep but I couldn't which isn't something that surprises me because this happens every night. I decided to pray. Now I do pray often, in my way but I don't think it is the "proper" way, if there is one. This prayer was different. It was long and emotional but I felt like someone or something was listening, other than my cute Sophie who was up licking my salty tears all night while Lukey and Danny slept in silence having no idea, this often happens but this is how I like it. Sometimes I feel like Danny doesn't know how to take my emotional happy or sad tears. He tries but I know I make him feel uncomfortable. Which is fine because I know he isn't very emotional. Sometimes I have no idea why he wants to be with me or why I want to be with him. We are so different. Somehow though in this crazy life through these crazy times, we work. I or even you probably will never understand but for some reason I like it. After working so hard for so long for something that I wanted so bad, I actually got it. Him. Never thought I would be here saying this because it still feels and sounds too good to be true. One thing I've been thinking about lately is couples. Sparks vs comfort. Now honestly, you tell me which one you want to feel with someone. I bet almost 99% of you would pick sparks.. am I right? Well I have a question for you.. why? I've felt the "sparks" with Danny before, at the beginning of our relationship but now I am more comfortable with him than I am with myself and that is something I would never change. When I long for a kiss I don't have to be nervous about taking one anymore. I can take one whenever I please no matter what and I love that. I've had boyfriends tell me before they leave me that they don't feel that "spark" anymore when they kiss me and always ended the relationship and honestly I never understood why. This left me feeling sad and confused because I thought that's what people longed for in relationships, that comfort you know will never go away, well at least that's what I longed for. Having it is weird and at times we've questioned it but what we've been looking for is that comfort feeling, that feeling that no matter what we look like or how bad we smell waking up in the morning next to each other, we can cuddle and laugh and joke and make fun of one another. I think that is the best kind of love. I would hate walking on egg shells around each other. Wondering what to say or what I can and cannot say, not being completely honest with him. I wouldn't be able to be me. And I think that is the number one thing that is most important in a relationship is being able to be yourself around someone who can also do the same. It's the easiest and best feeling to find someone who accepts you. Who loves you, no matter what. I've learned that recently with Danny. Being bald is great for me but I don't have to look at me all day. Danny does, and sometimes I find myself insecure about it around him and he always is there to reassure me that it's okay. We have both put on more weight that we ever expected and no matter how much weight he gains I could care less, I will be concerned but if he is happy, I am happy. I love that feeling. It's something that I try and never take for granted because it is so great. One day I hope you have the chance to know what I am talking about. And hopefully you will. I think I've talked myself to sleep, hopefully. I hope tomorrow brings a beautiful day, one that I can enjoy with the people I love most. Sweet dreams. Thanks for listening, I feel a lot better.

For a million dollars would you..

I found this off someone's blog and loved it because I always ask others this all the time. 
Thought it would be fun for you guys to do as well, so feel free to steal. Be sure to let me know if you do so I can find out more about you. (:
Eat liver and onions? Yuck, but yes.
Let someone punch you in the face? Yes
Have your life end 6 months before it's really supposed to? Hmm, no.
Give up music for the rest of your life? Never.
Date someone the same sex as you? Probably not.
Eat snake for dinner? Yuck again but yes.
Not shower for a year? If I could sponge bathe. (:
Never eat your favorite food again? Sadly, yes.
Give up the internet for 10 years? Yes.
Kill a cow and eat it for dinner? Never.
Punch your grandma in the face? If she would let me. She would definitely get some money too ha 
Dance naked in front of your family? Yes. ha
You eat someone else's boogers? Ugh, yes ha
Never read a book again? No way.
Never eat meat again? I've tried and it's hard but for a million, yes.
Give your pets away? Never.
Give up television for the rest of your life? Yes.
Shave your head? Apparently I'll do it for free (: 
Live the rest of your life weighing 250lbs? No.
Play one round of russian roulette? No way jose.
Go on a bread and water diet for two years? No.
Never get married? Uh, I don't think so. But maybe.
Give up your driving privileges? I could hire a driver, so yes (:
Leave the US forever? I love the US, I am not sure.
Not brush your teeth for a week? Yuck, yes though.
Kill an innocent person? No.
Kill a murderer? As much as I would want to, I could never do that.
Never own a pet the rest of your life? No way!
Give up facebook forever? Easily.
Never travel anywhere? I don't think so..
Never watch your favorite TV show again? Hmm, probably.
Dig up a grave? I wouldn't want to but probably could.
Never swim again? No! 
Live somewhere it's cold all the time? Yes
Live somewhere it's warm all the time? Yes
Give up your sense of smell? No
Give up your sense of taste? No
Cut off one of your body parts? My hair (:
Take a bite of someones poop? Omg gross, but I think I would make myself ha
Donate half of the million to a charity of your choice? Of course!
Donate all of the million to a charity of your choice? Of course!

The Water Bobble

I was on Sophia's website today and I found myself loving her last post on her blog. I've been really bad about buying water bottles especially because water is all I drink. I've been bugging Danny to get me a water purifier but once I saw this I thought I would give it a try. It looks so convenient and so cute and if everyone did this simple thing, it could help our world so much. I am all about helping the world. Someone has to. 
Lets make a simple change!

My cravings.

Some things I crave for a lot..

Boneless buffalo bites

Buffalo wings

Mac&cheese

Dove milk chocolate

Water

Macadamia nuts

Boston's chicken piccata

Redbull

Vegetable beef soup

Scooby Doo fruit snacks

Pepperoni Pizza

d a y t w e n t y t h r e e

Uniqueness

What makes me different from everyone else?

My imagination. 

I love this about myself. The mind is a powerful thing. I always try to understand what people are thinking about. I wish I could read someone's mind, all of the time. I'm sure there would be a lot of things, hurtful things I wouldn't ever want to know or hear but I wouldn't mind. I wonder if people see and think the same things I do. I want to know where their minds wander. I think this is why I love to read so much. When I read I create a movie in my head. Sometimes I hate it because I see things in my head and expect them to be a certain way and once I actually see them for myself, they are never the way I picture them. I create some things a lot more beautiful than they really are. My imagination can't help it. When someone tells me what a person looks like and describes their every detail, I picture that person, and once I meet them, they are always different. It's sometimes a let down. I find myself saying all the time, "this is not how I pictured it." Danny has never read a book. Me loving to read I always try and find something he is interested in but he won't give it the time of day I've asked him before simply why he doesn't like to read and I found out that his imagination simply isn't really there. When he reads something he can't picture it. I don't know if this is something he can't or chooses not to do. Wish I knew. I can kind of tell he is starting to accept my advice and really now wants to find something he is interested in to read. I hope one day he chooses to but I will leave that up to him. He is the one missing out. I love my imagination and I am so happy that it's so strong, precise, and amazing.

d a y t w e n t y t w o

one more thing to add to the list

Roughly a month ago I had my pet scan. You know the one that showed the terrific news about my cancer cells shrinking. Well there was something else that showed up on that scan as well.. I've been told it's "not that big of a deal" and "not to worry about it".. but hello, I am miss anxiety! How can I not. The reason I am even blogging about this is because lately it's been a concern of mine. They found a cyst on my left ovary and lately it's been giving me a lot of pain. This is something I brought up with Dr. Hansen as soon as I found out. He told me that once chemotherapy is over we will look more into it, unless it is giving me pain now, which at the time I was having little pain and always wondered what it was and now it makes total sense. Well now that it is giving me more frequent pain I am thinking I should tell him so he can tell me what he thinks we should do. I hate being the paranoid patient but why shouldn't I be. I want my body as healthy as possible. Like I said it's probably nothing but I worry, back to I worry about having children. I feel like sometimes life is giving me every doubt that I will not be able to get pregnant. This has a lot to do with my anxiety. I am a firm believer in thoughts become things so I hate thinking negative things but honestly I can't help it. I've tried. I've thought about this all day and it hasn't left my mind. Now that I am blogging about it I'm hoping it will leave my mind so I can actually take a break and get some rest. I can't wait to talk to Dr. Hansen for some advice on what the hell is going on in my body. Like I said, he always eases my mind.

happiness.

Day 21 - Happiness. A picture of something that makes me happy.

Brucas

Sophia Bush is one of my idols. She is classy, smart, beautiful. I have never been disappointed by her and the things she does, the choices she makes. Chad Micheal Murray is probably my number one on cutest guys. His smile, voice, and attitude I find very sexy. I have been IN LOVE with this couple ever since One Tree Hill, and once I found out that the both of them were actually getting married in real life, you can only imagine what I felt. Happiness. Brooke and Lucas were always my favorite couple. I found myself exactly like Brooke, and I always wanted to find me a Lucas. I am still a little pissed off at Mark Schwahn for putting Peyton and Lucas together but there is nothing I can do about this. After hearing rumors that Chad was "unfaithful" to Sophia, I will never look at him the same. He is now on the bottom of my sexy guy list. Any guy who is unfaithful is someone I probably won't give the time of day. Who could do that to beautiful Sophia. I wish her the best and hope someday soon she finds her special someone, and I hope he treats her the way every women should be treated. I am sure you are wondering why this couple makes me happy.. that is still a little unknown to me but I will do my best to share why. I feel that, they both look really happy in this picture. They had a kind of love that I've always dreamed of finding. Their relationship gave me hope and confidence that one day I will find my special someone. They've taught me a lot through the characters that they've played. I am not sure I could of got through high school without them. This picture makes me happy whenever I see it. I still wish they were married. I thought they were perfect together. I also give Sophia a lot of respect for ending their marriage, most women aren't strong enough to move on. They think that they can change but in reality, probably never will. It says a lot about her, she is very strong and independent, and doesn't need a man to be happy in life. I love that.

Some quotes by Sophia Bush

"This is a difficult and unfortunate situation. 

I am glad this is being resolved sooner rather than later."

"The hardest situation to stay happy in, I think, 
is when you're trying to find love, and yourself 
at the same time. It just doesn't seem to fit well."

"When you realize the good people in your life, you're so lucky."

"Marriage is not about age, it's about finding the right person."

I can see clearly

I've been feeling best late at night, figures. I haven't really hit my "nausea" phase yet, it should be coming within the next few days though. I'm not really looking forward to it. I usually spend my days sleeping. They have been a blur. I dislike not being able to remember my days. This leaves me not being able to read or write. I hate it. This is probably why I have been going a little insane. I've been a beast lately, especially to Danny. I am so lucky that he even puts up with me. He will never understand and he will never really know how sorry I am even though I tell him. I feel like I am letting people down. When I feel negativity and let others hear how I sound, I feel like I'm breaking. I'm weaker then people think and I don't like that to be known. I wish I were stronger for everyone. I wish I could say this journey was a piece of cake. I know it's not supposed to be, I guess I don't like others knowing the weak side of me. I know I am being absolutely ridiculous. 
I've been writing more in my quote book. It leaves me happy and inspired. I hope I fill every page this year, and maybe even start a second book. 
I want to become a stronger person. Stronger than I already am. Sometimes I feel like I am not even the one making me strong, it's others. Without the people I have in my life I would be nothing. This is something I hope to overcome soon. I need more independence from myself. I don't think I have ever realized this. I've become comfortable with life and the people in it. What if that were to change suddenly. My whole world would come crashing down. I am so blessed to have everyone in my life that I do. Thank you for being there for me when I need it most. 

"If you can't handle me at my worst..

then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."

Day 20 - My dream guy. Does it need an explanation? 

My dream guy has never had to look a certain way. 

I've always found that it's much more than just looks. 

I've always wanted a guy to be:

selfless, 

loyal, 

kind, 

funny,

generous, 

patient, 

loving, 

understanding, 

strong, 

independent.

I know this list may sound like a lot of qualities. I don't expect every guy to fit these but I have found someone who is closer than I ever imagined to these. He has seen me at my absolute worst and is still here. I adore him more than anyone I have ever met. I am very lucky to be able to call him mine. He is very special to me.

Nicknames

Day 19 - Nicknames I have and why do I have them.

Kris.. from Dad
Baby.. from Danny.
Christian.. from Dad and Uncle
Kisstin.. from friends
Special K.. from family
Krissy B.. from Mom

Letters

Dear Chemotherapy, I cannot wait to be done with you, forever. 
Dear Danny, I am sorry I have been such a beast lately. This won't last forever. Thank you for taking care of me. I am not sure I could make it through this without you.
Dear Nausea Pill, thank you for working your magic these last few days. Keep it up. 
Dear Book of Awakening, I miss you dearly. As soon as my chemo brain is gone I will get back in the habit of reading you daily.
Dear Grandpa, Happy Birthday! I love you so much. I wish I felt good enough to spend this special day with you.
Dear One Tree Hill, when I am going through the hardest time, you always make me feel better.
Dear Kendra, I know you have better things to do then blog but I could really use some of your inspiring words. 
Dear Soph&Luke, I am sorry I have been so dead. I cannot wait until I feel better so I can take you two on a walk.
Dear Self, I am so proud of you. You are doing great. The worst is almost over. Hang in there.

My dreams

Day 18 - Plans/dreams/goals I have.

Kick cancers ass!

Go to school to become a nurse.

Find a great job.

Buy a house.

Get married.

Be a mom.

Lose 20 pounds.

Continue to stay happy.

Sleepy head

Yesterday, all I did was sleep. I feel asleep at chemo again and when I got home I slept.
Today I am feeling pretty good other than the fact I have to go back in this morning for my shot. Sometimes I feel that the shot makes everything 10x worse. It's a yucky feeling.
I haven't been reading or blogging because I need to rest. I miss doing those things. They are what keep me sane. 
I am hoping for a speedy recovery. Tomorrow is my grandpas birthday, I am most likely going to miss it, I just don't want to. 
Sunday is Kerra and Madison's birthday, and I don't want to miss that either. 
Fingers crossed for little nausea, and little soreness. 
Please please please body, you are doing great, I have faith in you.

The switch

A post about someone I would want to switch lives with for one day and why.


*Definitely Danny, I would like a better understanding of his job and what he does each day. And I would like to get in that head of his. I would like to know his thought process and the way he looks at things. I just want a better understanding. Also, I have always wanted to see what it was like to be a boy.*


Day 17

Me myself and I

Day 16 - A picture of myself and a random thought.

"Where would I be if I wasn't with D.

and would I be truly happy?"

The Unknown

I don't want to fall asleep because when I wake up that means it's time for chemotherapy.

I am constantly trying to eat my cravings away because I won't have cravings much longer.

No wonder I am gaining weight.. 

I keep telling myself I will be able to work it off once I am better. It's easier said then done. 

I hate dreading to wake up tomorrow but I can't blame myself. 

I keep praying that I'll only have to do this once. 

I love the unknown, but not this unknown. 

Even if it were to come back I wouldn't care just as long as God could give me a sign. 

I don't think that would happen but I still search. 

I've always wondered why he picked me or if he even had a say. 

Even though I would pick myself over anyone else and I have never been upset with him for choosing me, I just wonder if he had a choosing and why it was me. 

I am probably being selfish, it could be worse. 

I've never wanted something so badly then to just be better. 

I will never take a feel good day for granted again after this. 

I hope once I am through with my treatments I never have to look back. 

I want to move forward. With life and everything it has in store for me. 

At the end of the day I am grateful. 

For everything I have. I hope I remain the same person I am today for the rest of my life.

 I hope I never forget what made me who I am. 

xoxox 

Just some thoughts

I am finally reading again, thank goodness. I go through fazes, sometimes I am constantly reading and other times I never read. When I am not reading I don't feel as smart as I feel when I do read. Right now I am reading three books, The Book Of Awakening, Marley & Me, and a book all about chihuahuas. I love each one..
*The Book Of Awakening, is amazing. I find myself wanting to read ahead, but I don't because it's supposed to be a page a day. It's hard to stop myself from reading on. Thanks again Rachael!
*Marley & Me, I have been wanting to read for awhile now. I love the movie, I always cry. I like how it is written by a man. I like that John Grogan is so honest and smart enough to write a story about his dog. It shows me that men actually do have feelings.
*The Chihuahua, I am reading because my two chihuahuas are little shits. I want a better understanding of them and tips on training them. The main thing I need to do is socialization. I take them places all the time but they still bark no matter what. It's annoying to me and I am sure others. Hopefully I can get them a little more behaved this year. I think not living in an apartment will help things a lot. All they know is this apartment. I think having a backyard will be a huge change for them.  
Tomorrow I have my 8th chemotherapy. I am not excited or even anxious. It sucks. I hate the attitude I have built towards going to chemo, I used to love it. It's just everything about that place makes me nauseous. The smells especially. It's weird. I will never be able to explain. Last chemo I slept the whole time. It made the time fly by but I remember always wondering how people could sleep because I never could. But now I understand why most people are sleeping. I am sick of my port-a-cath, especially being poked there. It's always itchy. I can't wait to get it taken out. Which probably won't be for awhile, but still. I keep telling myself after this only 4 more! 4 more! It sounds like hardly any and it is. I just wish I could speed up time. I need to stay positive, I know and I've been trying it's just hard. But I know I can do it, I have to. I am happy to see Dr. Hansen so he can check my lymph nodes and tell me he doesn't feel any. That always makes me happy. Seeing that the chemo is actually doing it's job and not just making me sick. It's hard for me to even enjoy my last feel good day because I am too worried about tomorrow. 
D was able to get the rest of my chemo days off, which I am really happy about. He said something the other day that made me happy. He said, "I hated the thought that you were at chemo and I wasn't there with you." This made me smile and realize how much he does care. D isn't a wear your feelings on your sleeve kind of guy. I can count on one hand how many times I've seen him cry. Not sure if this is a good or bad thing. I've considered it good because I do enough crying for the both of us.
I'm going to try and enjoy the rest of my day that I have left.

Thanks for listening.

Mini playlist

Day 15 - Ten songs I love right now.
01. The Time by The Black Eyed Peas
02. So Happy I Could Die by Lady Gaga
03. December by Lydia
04. No Love by Eminem 
05. Firework by Katy Perry
06. No It Isn't by +44
07. Pretty Girl by Sugarcult
08. Just A Dream by Nelly
09. A Camera Lens and Careful Days by Lydia
10. Raise Your Glass by P!nk

The Book Of Awakening

Rachael recommended this book to me and I am so happy she did. I am only on the second day and I love it already. This is a book where you read a page a day. It starts with January 1st so I am a few days behind but I will have no problem catching up. 
January 2nd it talks about trying to open a door with things in your hands, we all do this. 
"It's such a simple thing, but in a moment of ego we refuse to put down what we carry in order to open the door. Time and time again, we are offered the chance to truly learn this: We cannot hold onto things and enter. We must put down what we carry, open the door, and then take up only what we need to bring inside."

"Gather, prepare, put down, enter."

Memories.

I came across some pictures today that made me feel every emotion. I'm posting them here because I never want to forget these moments in my life. I've lost lots of pictures by having computers crash on me so if I put them on here, I will never lose them. (: